Wow. I never contemplated that a response would find its way to me. To each of you that took time out of your busy lives to reply partly restores my faith in the human race.
Life is very busy and life passes us by so very fast. Sometimes you blink and before you know it you are a year older. Time is a very precious thing, to give it away to somebody is the most special gift you can give, so i thank each of you. xXx
The following paragraphs that I am going to write, are in no way intended to evoke pity from its readers. This may prove to be therapeutic as well as helpful and a voice that others may be able to relate to. You are not alone.
My eight year old self may be forgiven for misunderstanding such words from my mother. I was a child after all and had no concept of life that stood before me.
'If you had confidence, you would be dangerous' said my mother, as she painted her face with red lipstick and blackened her eyes. She was glamorous, always getting attention everywhere she went. I used to think she was beautiful. She was beautiful, but that beauty was hiding a darker side, a side that needed to be covered, it was so ugly that even she tried to ignore it.
I was a chubby teenager, 'puppy fat' some called it, fifteen stone at thirteen within a school of stick insects, the majority called it Fat. Chewing gum in my hair, spat on daily, pushed and shoved, bullied and ground down to nothing. However, I had light within the dark in the form of a few friends and my sister. They loved me for who i was and I coped, I was doing really well in my education and had great promise of following my main interest into sociology. Then Mother met a man on a dating site and uprooted me to another home.
'Mum I really don't want to go, please don't make me go. I wont see any of my family or any of my friends.' I sat on the floor in her room crying into my sleeves. She caught a glimpse of a red mark on my wrist and pulled up my sleeve to find many more marks. 'What the fuck is that!' Crying, I pulled my sleeve back to cover my embarrassment. 'If you EVER do that again I will put you into a nut house and you will stay there. I will disown you. You will be alone forever.'
The next day we moved away.
The first time my Mother had found out I had thrown my lunch away on my walk to school, (she caught me doing it on the way as she was walking the dog a bit behind-I hadn't noticed her) she waited for me at 'home' when I returned to school. She said we had food shopping to do so we drove to Tesco. However, when we were there, she told me that she fancied some chocolate and crisps and proceeded to fill the basket with chocolate upon chocolate and easily 6 grab bags of cheese and onion. Once back in the car, She drove us to a park where we stayed in the car. She turnt to me and said that I was to eat every single piece of food that she had bought right there in front of her and that I would not be going home until everything was gone. 'I dont want to.' 'You will do as you are bloody well told.' Mother had instilled fear into all of us from a very young age and to disobey was not an option. So, I ate and ate and ate. I felt physically sick. I remember the taste of it like it was yesterday. 8 extra large double twix bars. 2 extra large snickers bars. A huge bar of galaxy. 4 Bountys. Bags and bags of crisps. Later that evening, I sat down at the dinner table in silence and forced down yet another pile of food with her and him sat opposite.
Time has passed from this moment and many others like it, yet it is these moments that can effect our lives in ways we dont even understand. Your mother is meant to nurture you, support you and love you unconditionally. I was not a bad kid. I was a very good kid and yet it wasnt enough.
I have concluded that my mother knew that one day she would no longer be the only beautiful person within the house. My sister was growing fast and I was only years behind her. My sister was and is absolutely beautiful and carries many scars of her own, but my mother decided that instead of providing us with the support a mother should and be the hands beneath the wings of her offspring, carrying them until they were ready to fly, she clipped our wings and ground us down so low that we were no longer competition.
'If you had confidence, you would be dangerous' She destroyed our confidence. She broke us down until there was almost nothing.
If you have read this and would like someone to speak to; if you have bee through traumatic experience or are going through it now, please, I reach out to you. I am a lovely genuine girl that unfortunately is a bit damaged but like thousands of others out there, the wounded are the best to listen, because through life experience, (even just 25 years) We must unite and come together to get better.
Im still lost but maybe we can all create our own paths....