I posted on here about 2 months ago & spoke to a few people. Then I decided that I didn't have a problem and I was fine. Since then I have put on some weight, probably not a lot to everyone else but it feels a huge increase to me. I think I did this to try and prove to myself that everything was okay, and that I could learn to eat normally. But I can't. My 'eating normally' is stuffing a load of junk food in my mouth and then not eating for the next 24 hours. I'm at an even worse point now and i'm struggling to cope.
I pushed myself till about half past 4 this afternoon and then gave in and ate some food. I then spent a few hours thinking about what I had eaten and when I would eat next. I got anxious and started to feel sick about it. The only thing left to do was throw it back up. In some ways, I made myself sick. & in some ways I felt I had no control over it and just had to be sick because there was nothing else left to do. I keep getting in this state and I feel like it's controlling me.
I'm can't cope with my moods anymore, and how I feel about my body. I panic and flinch when my boyfriend starts to touch me and it takes me a while to calm down and let him. & I've started getting dressed under my duvet some days so I don't have to look at myself.
I don't know what to do anymore.
So sorry you have been feeling this way. Sometimes you have to do the one thing you do not want to do. Can you go back to your GP and sart the help journey again? You sound really tired from the effort you've been putting in. Maybe it would help you to "go round about", by this I mean some body image counseling first, then confidence building exercises, so when the big WHY comes up it will lead to this food distortion you have. tamsinh good on you for reaching out - please be your own best friend and get some specialist help, stop this ed before it gets any bigger. 
