I posted on here about 2 months ago & spoke to a few people. Then I decided that I didn't have a problem and I was fine. Since then I have put on some weight, probably not a lot to everyone else but it feels a huge increase to me. I think I did this to try and prove to myself that everything was okay, and that I could learn to eat normally. But I can't. My 'eating normally' is stuffing a load of junk food in my mouth and then not eating for the next 24 hours. I'm at an even worse point now and i'm struggling to cope.
I pushed myself till about half past 4 this afternoon and then gave in and ate some food. I then spent a few hours thinking about what I had eaten and when I would eat next. I got anxious and started to feel sick about it. The only thing left to do was throw it back up. In some ways, I made myself sick. & in some ways I felt I had no control over it and just had to be sick because there was nothing else left to do. I keep getting in this state and I feel like it's controlling me.
I'm can't cope with my moods anymore, and how I feel about my body. I panic and flinch when my boyfriend starts to touch me and it takes me a while to calm down and let him. & I've started getting dressed under my duvet some days so I don't have to look at myself.
I don't know what to do anymore.