My Struggle

[HushLilly]

I don't know whether I have a problem or not, but I probably do. I know what I'm doing isn't healthy, but I don't care. I'm not bulimic, although I really wish I was, it's horrible to hope for that, I know it, yet I don't care. I have attempted, on many occasions, to induce vomit. I have never been successful in doing so because I chicken out right before I'm about to throw up. The feeling is horrible and I wish I could just deal with the pain and go through with it. Instead of puking, what I do is starve myself. I go 3 days without eating and then I binge on the 4th day, I feel so terrible and guilty afterward, so I starve myself for the rest of the day and exercise like crazy. I hate the feeling of being full, I hate how you need food to survive. I wish I could just stop caring about every single calorie that goes into my body. I only feel pretty when I'm hungry, and the feeling of hunger is amazing. I feel so proud of myself when I see that I've lost half a pound in a day, but then feel horrible if I eat the next day. Since I'm only 15, I can't entirely hide this from my parents, and they've noticed. They care, but they don't really do anything about it. I just want to talk to someone who understands what I'm going through.

[crazycrossstitcher]

You are describing all the symptoms of having and Eating disorder and really do need to get help quickly. THis is not a problem that goes away by itself and can quickly spiral out of control and become extremely harmful to your physical health. It is an illness and needs treatment - just like a broken leg or measles - so don't leave things as they are - talk to someone - a counsellor at school/college/ your parents/ a nurse / your GP - but however scary please do seek help. I know from experience the damage the illness can have and the impact it can have on your life in many ways - so I can't emphasise how much you need help - there is also a helpline both at ABC and BEAT who you can talk to confidentially - so give them a ring and talk things through - but whatever choices you make choose to seek help.

[m7-cola in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

I totally agree with this reply. Your situation is very worrying. My grand daughter is now in hospital having starved herself into losing an enormous amount of weight. We are heartbroken that she didn’t get help sooner as she has now probably inflicted long term damage to her health. Don’t let this happen to you!

[crazycrossstitcher in reply to m7-cola]

So sorry about your granddaughter - she at least is in the right place - but - from experience - hospital weight restoration is only the start of a long battle to health and healing - I hope she is receiving counselling to look at the issues in her life causing the problem. I will be thinking of her and your family as I know - again from experience - the destructive nature of EDs - both on the person and on those they love.

[m7-cola in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

Thank you for your concern and good wishes. The hospital regimen (as I understand it) has a programme of counselling and other sessions in addition to the mealtimes. But as it is only just today that she’s been admitted we are still in the dark about the likely effectiveness of all this.

I realise both from my reading and comments from those more knowledgeable than me, about this awful condition, that it’s going to be a long haul .... even if successful.

[SuZQ154]

So glad you are posting and being honest! When I was your age, I had anorexia and progressed to bulimia. I wish someone would have encouraged me to get help sooner than I did. Before getting help, I did not understand my underlying triggers, the spiritual battle, and the influence my family and friends had on my ED. Also, certain people have a predisposition to ED's, just like there are people predisposed to alcoholism; neither are faults of those predisposed, but people need help to avoid negative behaviors. My daughter developed anorexia and bulimia at the same age as you and she went to an ED clinic. It was so helpful for her and our family. Please consider getting help. The sooner you get help, the more likely you will get better and not suffer long term consequences. Praying for you today.

[Kessa]

Hey, sorry to hear you are struggling! I have similar behaviour - I can't throw up neither, despite sometimes wanting too - I have a similar experience as you, using fasting/restricting as compansation when I break my rules and binge ( or for period of "normal eating"). I don't really get most of my behaviours and I get caught up in cycles, it's just a living nightmare!

Get support and help in your area if you can. Or at least talk to people online who are recovering as well, I find it very useful when I'm struggling. Even just by knowing there are people who can understand what you are going through..