Vaginismus

Ever since I lost my virginity and started to have regular sex with that partner, I've known something was wrong. I've known for years now that I find sex uncomfortable and that I've never been able to orgasm through penetration, only clitoral stimulation.

I've been so embarrassed about this, that I cant enjoy sex like a 'normal' person, so I've always pretended that I like sex and that it feels good and I fake an orgasm every time.

Every partner (all long term boyfriends) has been none the wiser. I've been with the same great guy for just over 2 years now and I've racked myself with guilt about it. I first told him that sometimes I go through long periods of not being able to cum, just so I don't have to fake it anymore, but have never told him that I often feel really uncomfortable and don't actually feel much at all.

I decided enough was enough and so told him everything (as I see a real future with him and don't want to lie to him anymore). He's taken it very hard as he has believed this whole time that we've been having amazing sex and now he feels a great lack of trust. I really think this could make or break us, but I had to tell him, he doesn't deserve to be lied to.

I'm really stuck at the moment! I've always created this fake little world where I writhe around and moan and I've gotten extremely good at making it believable, because I'd rather pretend I'm okay then deal with having to explain the problem. I've always felt that I can never tell anyone too soon in a relationship as no one wants someone who cant have sex properly, but there's never been a right time to just 'bring it up'.

Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated...

3 Replies

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  • See a doctor and get some help. If not, you may lose him.

  • Hello there!

    I feel so sad that you refer to yourself as 'someone who can't have sex properly' as that's not true!

    So many people enjoy sex differently. For a statistics: I have met many girls who told that they don't enjoy sex unless clitoris is stimulated- and what? If the partner is not selfish he can make this happen - to play with you the way you like it and then he can enjoy all he wants!

    But to do this you must be honest either by talking to him or guiding him in the bedroom to be touched, kissed, penetrated the way you like it without faking otherwise he will think that everything is great.

    Many men want sex - hot and passionate- but they don't understand that woman needs a bit of attention, right touches or kisses to be ready. If the man is selfish and woman does not stop him - then he thinks that it's normal and we enjoy it as much as he does.

    So don't worry - you're just a normal woman who needs attention to get on the right tune, that's all :)

    Good luck!

  • I'm going through some of the same things. I am 28 and with the same boyfriend that I lost my virginity with three years ago and I am in pain every time we have sex so i rarely enjoy it. It is hard to talk about but being open is always best. I find that talking about it makes my self esteem take a huge hit but I had to work through the low self esteem until now myself and my partner can be totally open and it doesn't affect my esteem anymore. I still have moments when I feel down about it but talking through it does help. Maybe if you explain it that way to your partner, that keeping it in was easier than talking it through, and that admitting to it is admitting that there is a problem and we don't want to give in to that thought. Maybe he'll understand. Those were the type of feelings I had and I still fight them.

    To help you and show you that you're not the only one going through this and you're not alone, here's my story.

    After 9 months of regular sex, thinking that all my pain was 'normal' losing virginity stuff I got fed up and saw my GP who referred me to the psychosexual team where I received counselling. It was suggested I come to my first session alone, so that I can be open with the counsellor but I asked my boyfriend to come to the second. It really helped as he talked about his feelings and he was able to find out how to help me. I was totally open with them both and it helped me too. She gave us a lot of advice and things to try. I am at a point now where I am happy to discuss anything if anyone asks. If you want to know what was suggested please feel free to ask me. I was also given a homework of using dialators every week to open me up.

    As I bled every time after intecourse I was sent to a skin specialist who examined me and diagnosed Lichen Sclerosis (if you haven't heard of that my immune system has attacked my skin and it doesn't have enough elasticity so I tear with every penetration). So was told to use steroid cream along with the dialators.

    After a year of the steroid and dialators only having a slight helping effect I was referred to a gynaecologist who disagreed with the other specialist and diagnosed Vaginismus. She examined me and said I don't have LS and was of the opinion that intercourse should be possible. I just need to teach my body that sex is not painful. I was told to stop the steroid and use Lidocaine to numb the area before sex. I've been using this for eight months with no improvement. It has not been the case that intercourse is possible as I still split every time. I saw the gynaecologist in Sept and was supposed to have a six month follow up in March. This follow up has been rescheduled four times and I'm now feeling like I've been forgotten.

    I think I could have both conditions as LS would explain the tearing and as I expect pain and tense up, I could have Vaginismus too. I'm so frustrated with all of this. My boyfriend is so supportive, he never complains even though I have to ask him to stop after a very short amount of time and he never gets an orgasm. I'm the one that feels frustrated and there are times when I feel very down about it. It's been three years and it's not getting easier. He has said he can see how it affects my self esteem and he does simple things to show me he is with me for me and not for sex. He does sweet, tender things like lies with his head in my lap and when we curl up together he places his head on my chest to listen to my heart beat. Those intimate things that make you feel closer without it leading anywhere.

    As long as you and your partner are open with each other you can still have intimacy.