I didn't think I'd write so soon, but I'm really struggling with the news we got on friday. I don't even think it's the cancer diagnosis itself, deep down i think we both knew it was coming.
Its the waiting, the what if's.
Its all going round and round and round in my head. I'm looking at websites for survival rates, chemo/operations what to expect? Can we keep our pets? Will I have to go sleep in the spare room? What will happen to the the kids? Will they still visit me (I'm stepmum) what about work, house, cars?. It's just an endless cycle of questions and scenarios in my head and most of it is absolutely nonsense.
It's the feeling of waiting and wanting to move on and can't as we are at the mercy of others at the moment. I know once we have a treatment plan and get into the medical part I'll be 100% fine. I'm a pharmacy technician so I have an understanding of drugs, side effects, why they'd give one over the other and I also understand the medical terminology which I think will help immensely. But maybe that's whats wrong. The little knowledge I do have is perhaps too much. I know where to find the nitty gritty data, I have access to professional NHS employee information etc. I know I need to stop looking, but I can't help it just now.
How do you guys deal with this part though? The waiting? I'm normally the sensible, logical person. But I just feel absolutely useless. Husband is having to comfort me!!!! And thats just not right. I know I can be strong for him and I WILL be strong for him and I'll do whatever it takes to get him and us and our family through it, but what do I do in the meantime?
I actually wish it was me who had it. I know that sounds mad, but I'd be able to get a plan in my head sorted.
I'm sorry for going on and if this isn't the place for me to post, then feel free to delete. I know so many of you are on your own journey without me prattling on as an onlooker. I'm not what I would describe as a "woe is me person" far from it, but I am struggling with the waiting and just need a plan put in place.