Hope you can draw some comfort from it as I have...
Came across this and thought many would relate....... - Headway
Came across this and thought many would relate....from my life experience it's very true, many hard lessons sometimes to realise...
Written by
lloydyuk
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22 Replies
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Powerful stuff Lloyd and very true, we use distraction etc to avoid looking in the dark corners of our mind. I definitely need to learn to like myself more. Thank you for sharing it.
lloydyuk• in reply to
You're welcome, I spent many years searching and looking for happiness, I also read once when you stop searching for long enough you'll realise it's there all the time....the very concept of searching means you keep doing it. I think of it like making money, people who crave it never seem to have enough when in reality if they stopped and had a proper look they would see what they have.
Thank you,for replying by the way. In an odd way I'm sure I survived my illness for a reason I'm yet to discover although I've got problems now I almost needed a life reset as I'd become so anxious and down with life generally which is very sad. Now I appreciate more of what I do have and have finally stopped rushing.
• in reply tolloydyuk
Yeah i agree, the old can't see the wood for the trees. Sometimes we are so focused on looking for what we want we don't see what is there for us.
I quoted one of my favourite quotes on another thread 'life's experiences can make us bitter or better'. I try to remind myself of that one regularly!
I hope that you stumble across your reason one day Lloyd 
• in reply to
I started focusing on life and moving on and tried to ignore what I wanted/needed and ignoring what we need and want is wrong too. As always it's the old (yawn) balance thing only 'tis so hard to get that balance, especially when others tip my balance (out of my control, their choice/actions), often by choice/on purpose, unkind. Takes AGES to try find own equilibrium, cruel to do this to people like us.
Lost my self-respect coz others not respecting me, belittling my experience and treating me bad. Then you get so used to being treated bad that it becomes normal and I believed I was so worthless I didn't deserve anything better. Terrible place to be and SO hard to try find that self-respect/confidence again. Bad bad place to be.
And those who do this to us know what they're doing, it's victimisation and very very cruel. But so often they (bullies, those in power) get away with it, we can't get at them or touch them, they safe behind walls and power. We little people have no voice, aren't believed or heard. The bullies know that and abuse their powers.
• in reply to
Hi Muddled
We cannot control how others behave towards us, but we can control how we let it affect us.
The picture Lloyd put up is about going back to yourself, your inner self, your safe place, source of comfort. That is how we try to protect ourselves from the hurt others can direct at us. That way you can hold onto your self respect, despite what others may say to you.
Truth is it is very rare that people are deliberately malicious towards individuals, especially when you are referring to medics etc. It is usually due to miscommunication, sometimes negligence but not usually intended.
Try to step away in your mind from these negative feelings Muddled otherwise they will grow bigger and overtake your life.
Take care
• in reply to
Thx H'hog. 'Very rare' people are deliberately malicious? VERY hard to control how it makes me feel: WHY must I control it, my feelings? That's saying my feelings are wrong, I am wrong, I can't trust how I feel. That is wrong.
Not just referring to medics by any means. Bullies get to feel powerful by abusing others. 'Not usually intended' ? But may be, can be, is, not always I know, but is. And when they continue when they SEE/HEAR how it makes me feel? Sick.
Why must I step away in my mind? How can I dissociate myself from what people do and how it makes me feel? That creates illness and madness, it's what kids do to separate themselves (in mind) from abusers who they rely on for food/comfort.
How we feel is VALID and important. Anyone who belittles how we feel is undermining US, our feelings 'wrong & invalid'. Got to be strong, put up with it? Nope. Shouldn't have to.
Social Services woman here was very nasty: when I cut 2 fingers badly she asked (in nasty tone voice): 'did you do it on purpose?' - NO, stupid, horrible question. Then Headway helpline woman said 'you might get more attention if...' = I don't want attention, I want/need understanding and acceptance of my difficulties. Simple.
I did love myself, even the new brain-injured version but that wasn't good enough for anyone either. When people treat you like dog-mess for long enough you gradually believe you are. That's known.
Lost my safe place: my belief ('knowledge') that I would be cared for if sick, treated if injured - however I became injured, even if by doctors. My knowledge and beliefs denied and me said to be wrong, sick of people telling me I'm the wrong one, not. Lost my safe home, lost some of my possessions. Lost my job,family, friends. Lost myself coz my reality said not to be real. Sucks. Cruel. Please don't be like them, not here too. I know fake, online, not human contact but thought it was a safe place. ?
Try to step away? Try to put up walls, make my skin tougher than it is? Why must I do that? I've changed/adapted LOADS, proud. Why must I try to put up with inhuman treatment? Hmm?
People must have respect for each other, how we are (all different), what hurts and why, and yes, some people more sensitive (to many different things) than others. All unique. Thought that's what this site is for to show our diversity and that our feelings matter. Maybe I was wrong?
I hope/expect you mean well but 'try to step away in your mind from these negative feelings' is so easy to say, have you actually thought about it, what you said and how to do it, what that actually means? I hope I don't sound too angry but to deny people's feelings is cruel and to blame me for how it makes me feel isn't kind. As I said about Matt's/people's reaction: different people are sensitised to different things and unless you know the history you won't know why, reason. As Matt (?) said: walk a day/year in my shoes...
• in reply to
Hi Muddled
Sorry my comments angered you. I was trying to help you break out of the cycle you say you are stuck in.
Take care of yourself and I hope you find peace
• in reply to
Thanks Hedgehog, I did try to listen but needed to explain (try to but failed?) how when all around you treat me and how I feel as 'wrong' it made me believe them, terrible.
These cycles are TERRIBLE, I keep trying to explain and what causes me to hit rock bottom. But nobody listens, I think? I don't say it right, MY fault or what?
I have tried and do try to step away from negative feelings but (and others must know/have felt this) there are times we just CAN'T. I expect you know this too? Sometimes we just aren't strong enough, haven't got any resilience left.
I did my best to explain why that made me feel so bad, I'm sorry if I failed to do it well enough, I tried SO hard. But I fail at lots of things,not my fault but I HATE hurting people / their feelings, I know how it feels so I hope you can see where I'm coming from? No hard feelings left, last night I felt angry but that's because you touched a nerve: my sensitivity = which is reasonable! OK?
• in reply to
Hi Muddled
This is not about you failing or not getting things right. I am not offended, I am sad as it appears my comments don't help you but anger you further.
I don't like hearing you stuck in such a negative spiral and so distrusting of all the people you mention.
I really pray with my whole heart that you will see your way out of this muddled, because it clearly has to come from you, a change of mindset. You so need to learn to be nice to yourself and comfort yourself.
Take good care and I am always happy to chat to you, but I am worried that we are going round in circles and I don't want to upset you.
• in reply to
Thanks Hedgehog, I do know that what you say is right WHEN we can do it! Changing ones mindset can be impossible. On brief moments of lucidity and strength I think I can but when tired, exhausted, hurting (physically/emotionally) and confused it's impossible, not a choice!
No upset here or with you = OK! Thanks.
• in reply to
Oh and here where I live the constant noise makes EVERYTHING far harder. I have to come inside/close the windows because just can't bear all the noise when I'm tired. Without the noise (day/night) I'd have a bit more strength to 'comfort myself' probably.
I can't stand people who crave money, there is no need for it.
I am pretty sure all of us survived our accidents/injuries for a reason. If there was no reason then why are we here? Still here? At a point of my life, after trying to get some education, I spent a few years doing next to nothing with myself and I got a bit depressed as I thought I had nothing going for me.
Life is different for me now, I haven't done as much in life as the next person has but I really do not care. What is important to me is being here with my family :).
• in reply tolloydyuk
Yes, rushing. I don't but other people's deadlines and appointments MAKE me: hate it, hate having to clock-watch especially as time is very odd for me,sometimes goes v fast other time slows right down,often can't judge it - unless I know I'm v tired so been talking/doing too much which means time has passed.
I don't get lonely very often, perhaps because I've always preferred my own company & really embrace the time spent by myself.
And so far as the dark recesses of the mind are concerned, I've learned that staring them out, rather than backing away from them, has made me so much stronger and calmer.
• in reply tocat3
I lOVE being with people and talking with them but since my ABI I just can't do it much, makes me very sad, probably the saddest loss for me.
And yes, I do get lonely because everyone needs SOME human contact, to feel included, loved and part of life. The tiredness is SO tricky: if I talk to people (or do fun thing) too long it wipes me out so it's a choice: to go talk and then must rest afternoon or stay alone,not talk and have more energy for doing things I must and making food. HATE having to choose.
I'd been self-employed and worked alone at home for years, liked it, but before ABI could do long hard days work then talk, go out and socialise = best of both. Liked working with others (at a uni) but got far less done coz constant interruptions, but fun,but NOT so productive.
Sometimes love being alone (and need the QUIET but my home now not quiet enough at all, constant noises from so many people/things), just that now NEED to be,not my choice. If could choose it'd be far better balance but can't choose now,lost that choice, sad.
I think that although I know I'm VERY sensitive to noise sinceABI that modern-day constant noise MUST also stress out most people only they don't realise it coz they have more brain reserve. But (in my opinion) all the modern-day stresses like noise, loss of control, inhuman systems, menus on phone calls and never a person, machines where people used to interact with us and do the work MUST be making modern life worse, tough and stressed = coz inhuman. In my opinion mental health probs, breakdown and poor sleep = from all this, our lives are becoming less and less HUMAN, too much overload: images, movement, noise, toxins, poisoned air, water and earth. Deadlines, money worries (wages not keeping up with prices), paperwork, time pressures.
Or am I over-dramaticinsing because I feel 'too much'?
There must be many more like me, I know I'm not alone...
well that true for sure if you like yourself your in good company
if you are religious and love GOD then again you are never alone
I'm comfortable with myself.Never bored-can always find something to do or just chill out.I have some very 'needy' neighbours though-crave company in spite of plenty/at odd hours and can be rather intrusive-don't have the same battery power for this I'm afraid and have to disappoint,they don't seem to get the concept of personal space,free time or fatigue !
I love my own space, my own time and now I'm married with step-mini-Barons, I embrace it all the more. 
I lived on my tod for eight years prior to meeting the Baroness and chuffing loved every minute, I even chose to relocate to the middle of nowhere to truly live alone.
It was bliss. Do what I wanted when I wanted, eat what I wanted, watch what I wanted, do just whatever I wanted. Good times.
It's a cliché but I discovered myself and I'm all the better for those years now. Now I have the happy medium of being blissfully happy at home and not remotely fearing the time alone that I do get.
That's superb sounds like a great path to me. I spent many years looking and almost drove myself mad trying to find myself when all I had to do was be alone. The initial stages were by far the first I'm a far better more grounded person now.
I enjoy your posts by the way always level headed and practical.
Indeed. After a BI you have you get to know yourself again. I grieved briefly for this lively, independent healthy person who had left traces of herself in my home then I repainted the whole flat, chucked out her clothes and her eclectic CD collection and installed the new me in there. People mock and think its weird but hey. Sod `em. I am stuck with her now and we get on ok. She has better music taste and she is tough. She can stay.
Very moving to read all these posts. We are all at different stages of BI and it is obvious that it is frightening and enlightening .
I like the quote, but I've always been a 'loner', so it suits me to be happy with my own company. Even before the haemorrhage, I wasn't much of a socialiser, I'm a bit strange, and tended to hide in corners, so I didn't say anything that other people found weird, or offensive.
Now, after the surgery, and the changes, but before the next round of scans, in this limbo-state, while I find out what I am, and what's left of the 'old' me, I am avoiding people even more. It's my defence mechanism, because now I'm a little bit more fragile, it's easier for me to be wound up by the well-intentioned, but brutally stupid comments some people make. I genuinely do leave rooms if people are starting to grate on my nerves.
I'm happy with my own company, there are very few people I choose to spend time with, I tolerate some people, and avoid others. I can be alone without feeling 'lonely', I genuinely can't remember the last time I felt lonely. I'll just carry on creeping around in the corners, and the shadows, like the big, gruesome spider I am.
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