Any tips on discussing adoption with your little ones? We adopted when they were babies, they don't know, but I don't want wait much longer.

[StressedMum]

I'm guessing a lot of parents on here are adopters?

My oldest is three and a half and can remember his sister arriving (she's just two but was six months then) so I'm thinking of using that concept to gently introduce him to the idea. We've never hidden the fact that they are adopted, but then again have never discussed it directly with them. There haven't been any questions yet, but I want to introduce it to the kids sooner rather than later, though I think my eldest will know more than we think.

We obviously see adoption as a very positive thing, but my son reacts terribly to any kind of 'upset', and as he's really starting to progress and gain confidence I don't want to set him back. I know there are loads of books out there to explain adoption to your little ones, but neither of mine are interested in books - and don't have the attention span to sit with me and look through it together.

Any tips, suggestions or words of wisdom would be much appreciated!

[Love2nag]

Our eldest was adopted at 1 and we are waiting for a court date for our 2year old .We use. Family photos that are on a book case with birth family and our family mixed together .They are accessible and on display upstairs.This worked for a few years.You can then let them take the lead when they want to .Good luck

[meggypegs]

I am curious - why don't they know? Was that the advice you were given? We were advised to be totally upfront with my kids when we adopted and ensure that they knew. As a result they have grown up taking it for granted. We'd gently bring it into conversations, even when they were tiny (eg a picture of their birth town comes up on TV and we'd say "Oh look, that is where you were born, your first mummy lives there" , and leave it up to them to respond if they wanted to. In fact they used to think that adoption was 'normal'. We didn't see that as a problem when they were tiny, but we eventually had to explain to them that most kids DID live with their 'first mummys'.

They do rarely ask questions and have even made up fantasy stories about being with their birth mum (which we treat as 'fun pretends'). We don't make a big deal of it, we just treat it as 'just the way things are'. We answer questions as directly as possible.

If your kids don't know maybe you could start by bringing out pictures of their birth family if you have any, and let them ask. Don't make a big announcement about them being adopted, just drip feed them with info, so they can take it in slowly. Using your daughters story to explain to your son sounds like a great idea.

My kids are not that interested in adoption at the moment. We have letterbox contact with first mum, and she sends pics, but they just look at them, say "that's nice!" and run off to do something more interesting.

[StressedMum]

Thanks both.

It's not that we hide the fact they are adopted from our kids - its just that we don't talk about it much. The advice we had from social workers was a bit mixed - while you are encouraged to be 'open' with the kids 'when they are ready'- it was also very much portrayed as 'their information' to share with others as they wanted, rather than our information. It was very much reinforced that if they choose to 'share' this info with others then they can. As our two have had quite a bit of developmental delay and issues like insecurity, sleep and food problems (and especially speech delay) due to their suspected FASD, I've never been sure how much they understood about their background, and that some people might ask questions about it that they don't have to answer!

Birth parents have not engaged at all - they didn't turn up for our 'handover' visit. They have never replied to our post box letters etc. We have one photo to give the children, but we had the added complication that the local council helpfully moved birth family to about two miles from where we lived.

I quite often saw them in the area - which was akward - although fortunately they didn't know me, and I was never with the kids. We have since moved so this is less of an issue.

Sadly birth parents haven't had a great life and are hard drug users, alcoholics and petty criminals - so while I have sympathy for them, I don't want our children to find out too much about them just yet! And I don't want their picture up with our family pics - I think you need to be extremely strong to do this! Sorry for the outpouring - it's just you don't get much opportunity to speak about this to others. I could maybe put foster family pics up though....

I think the drip feeding is a really good plan. We also have contact with one half sibling and his adoptive family - so that will hopefully help too. We always planned not to make a big issue of it, and have already started to drip feed to some extent - but I think I need to do it more directly now. Thanks again - and good luck withthe court case Love2nag!

[Skatesey71]

Hi. Our daughter is also 3.5 and we've always talked about it. Adoption cert on the wall, her first picture with us is known as the 1st day we met you at foster carers, we have her CPR photo as" first time we saw your picture". We weren't sure how much was going in but last week she suddenly said "my real mummy and daddy ran away which is why you are my mummy and daddy now". She's also been asking if she came from my tummy so I explained she came from someone else's......... Guess she's learning a lot at preschool.

so in short, we used the word adopted a lot but letting her lead the questions

Good luck

[StressedMum]

Thanks Skatesey71 - that's really helpful!

[Zanne]

Hi, I adopted my 3 when they were 7, 4 & 1 years old and they have always been aware of their background. However, I was faced with a similar difficulty to you when my younger, biological, child, reached the age he could understand more. I found the 'Nutmeg Gets Adopted Books' (look on Amazon) were a great introduction to the idea that his older siblings had a different birth mother.

[StressedMum]

Thanks Zanne - I'll have a look on Amazon - don't think I can get my son to read them (he has a very limited interest in books unfortunately) but they would probably be good for my daughter as she has a longer attention span. If only Peppa Pig would cover adoption - my little boy would love that - 'Candy Cat is adopted' perhaps?! Thanks again.

[rachael1975]

Hi StressedMum

Our adopted son is now 7 and was placed with us when he was 10 1/2 months old and the adoption court hearing when he was 18 months old. We had him Christened within a few weeks of the court hearing and had a big 'Christening & Adoption Party' complete with banner saying so and his foster carers were his Godparents. At the party we had lots of photos taken with all the important people. Initially this was to ensure we as parents couldn't hide from it as we now had photographic evidence that gave us an obvious prompt. But we've used the word adoption regularly in our house and initially the word held no real meaning for him but it was a part of our vocabulary. Then when we were 3 we 'adopted' our dog who we all love loads. The first time he rose the subject with us was following an 'adopt a tiger' advertisement after which he asked me if we had a robot when we adopted him?? When asked why, he said well you get a tiger teddy if you adopt a tiger and you adopted a kid!! Initially he just thought adopted was a replacement word for birth but as he got older we would explain that he didn't come out of my tummy and he would take this further by asking whose tummy he came from then, and why he didn't come out of mine (i couldn't have children naturally so I said a bad belly meant he couldn't come from mine). But we always told him funny stories about him bathing in the sink at his foster carers because they only had a shower, and because he was poorly when he was very young he once sicked, poo'd and wee'd all over daddy at the same time (he found this hysterical). We tell him about how in love with him we were when we first saw him. I found the words that we found difficult as adults like adoption, drugs, withdrawal etc. mean nothing to young children - they are just words with no consequences. But its a start and they will ask you then questions. I would say to start to use the words now while they are young and then there will be no one defining moment at which they will remember being told that they are adopted. Don't make it a sit down and listen moment - just do it casually and frequently and let it form part of conversations. It shouldn't be a big secret because its something to be proud of. My husband always cowered away from the conversations and my son sensed it but I have always been completely honest and open with him. He now trusts me implicitly - this is a privileged position to be in. I have recently been asked whether his birth mum could resume contact (it was an open adoption) to which I said no. But I did tell him about this and gave him the option to come to me whenever he wants if he is curious, wants to meet her or just has questions. Its working for us at the moment and don't regret how i've dealt with it.

[Zanne]

Hi again, what's your local post adoption support like? Sometimes they run groups, picnics etc... It can be helpful, as children get older, to meet with others who came out of 'another's tummy.' Children want to be the same as their mates and meeting others strengthens their confidence that they are... even though we know that, in fact, they are extra special! Zanne.

[StressedMum]

Thanks both - great advice. Love your little boys' idea about the robot Rachael !!!

We take our two to an adopted kids Christmas and Summer party each year, and we have quite a lot of friends who also have adopted kids, so I think that will hopefully be a help as they are growing up (and we keep in touch with their half brother - same birth dad - too). Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to give me your ideas and personal experience. I'll be trying out a lot of your suggestions in the coming weeks . Much appreciated!

[Suzyt1]

Definately don't delay - the sooner it becomes just part of who they are and their personal story the better. Start simply - we used photos of him as a baby and then our family and put it all together to make a story book (social services where supposed to start something off for the past but they simply dont have the resources) so I managed to get some photos of before our son came to us and added some of our family before he came and did an 'along came Joe' page and then his photos started going in. We were fortunate enough to meet with his parents before his dad died and his mum disappeared (he has a picture of the 4 of us taken during the meeting in his bedroom) - I kept a little note book of the things they said - for him when he is older. We keep the baby bits in a suitcase and some of his other 'memry' stuff he calls it. I did have some dreadfully dated 70's book about adoption and left it in his bookcase and for awhile he used to get it out to be read but eventually he chucked it out.

WE had occasional chats about when/how he was adopted and these have grown over the years to more complex conversations - always reassure him he was loved but his parents couldnt look after themeselves let alone him. But I dont over romanticise it - they have to know the real story - but equally dont demonise eather.

So liitle by little and always with love and photos really help - even now my son is 11 he occasionally gets the book out and goes through it with me.

There is no blue print - just what we did - good luck

Sue

[StressedMum in reply to Suzyt1]

Thanks Sue. Unfortunately social services borrowed our son's book of baby/foster parent photos when they were doing our little girls' 'later life' letter - and due to her social worker now being off sick long term, I haven't yet got it back ;-( (despite them recently promising we would!) Think I'll chase it up as I think images would probably be better for our son than books right now. Good suggestions!

[Maclean]

Perhaps using narratives. Write their own story in narrative, short and simple in language they can understand and using something they like such as their favourite animal, character etc. we had always spoken about adoption and our son had contact with birth parents for 3 years before he was finally adopted at almost 5years. He had been with us since he was 3days old. However at almost 6 it took meaning and really rocked his boat. The narratives worked well. We also used 2books " the beautiful bow" and " adoption is forever" we have kept a very detailed life story book which contains pictures of his birth family and with him too. There is also excellent information on "life story works.org" helps construct one and deals with sensitive issues such as drug and alcohol, domestic violence etc. we are now doing a topic " all about me" and at an age where we can discuss life cycles . It is the perfect opportunity to explore with them what a baby's needs are and gently introduce why their needs could not be met by birth parents. It's hard but the more open, honest and natural you are you give permission for your children to express their thoughts, worries, anxieties etc. take nothing for granted!

[StressedMum in reply to Maclean]

Thanks Maclean - more useful advice. Don't know how you coped that long with the wait - the legal process for our son was about a year and was much quicker for our daughter and that was frustrating enough! Will check out the resources you suggest. Have started 'drip feeding' talking about adoption - but books may help when his (and his sister's) understanding is clearer.

[Maclean in reply to StressedMum]

It was very difficult. Adoption was decided at 7 months and was to be concluded quickly and uncontested. A relative went to court to seek residency but kept changing her mind. It took another 3years for the adoption petition to be submitted to court and another year of court as birth mum wanted direct contact. It was all a bit of a mess really. You begin to lose faith in those that are supposedly there in the best interest of the child. It all comes down to money in the end. Hopefully our experience is not the norm but certainly put us off adopting again. Anyway too old now, or feel it. We have 3 grown up biological daughters.

I wrote a story for our son using dragons as the theme. One line of writing on each page getting important point across and accompanied it with a drawing that I traced and used watercolours to paint. This was the hard bit, especially getting accurate expression to convey the message. Illustrations are good if there is any language issue.

Good luck!