What do you find hardest about being a Carer? - Care Community

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What do you find hardest about being a Carer?

Callendersgal profile imageCallendersgalAdministrator21 Voters

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22 Replies
sassy59 profile image

I feel bad sometimes for being cross with Pete but it’s how I feel. It’s frustrating when doesn’t listen to me. Xxx

Callendersgal profile image
CallendersgalAdministrator in reply to sassy59

I don't know anyone who doesn't go through this from time to time sassy59, and it's a really guilt inducing thing, I know. I guess we can only do our best while realising we are all human and when we are tired, or irritated, it's really hard to react skilfully all of the time.

sassy59 profile image
sassy59Ambassador in reply to Callendersgal

Thank you Callendersgal. You’re very kind. We can all only do our best. Xxx🥰

madonbrew profile image
madonbrew in reply to sassy59

I feel guilty for losing patience with my mum sometimes. I know she asks for help because she can’t manage something or it takes her ten times as long as it would me, but I get frustrated sometimes with the constant ’can you just...’ when I’m in the middle of my own project.

We ve all been there , gritting the teeth and raising the eyebrows as we turn to do what’s necessary 😂. As long as we do the job and keep our frustrations hidden it’s fine xx

sassy59 profile image
sassy59Ambassador in reply to madonbrew

Yes that’s understandable too Dee. You’re just in the middle of something and you get interrupted. Patience is something I struggle with at times. We’re only human after all. I try and take a deep breath and then deal with the issue. Doesn’t always work though. Xxx💜

Same , Geoff will take things the wrong way , if I encourage him to push himself he will say things like “ I’m not putting this on you know “ or “ I wish you had this for one day “ , he gets upset and that makes me upset 🤦🏻‍♀️ At the moment I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself because friends and family are always telling me “when he’s better we ll take you here or there for an hour “. They don’t feel it would be fair not to take him but don’t seem to realise I would love an hour or two in a different environment and Geoff would be fine How I wish I could drive our life’s now would be so much better , but you play the cards your dealt so we find pleasure in each other’s company and keep smiling 😃x

sassy59 profile image
sassy59Ambassador in reply to Thepainterswife

That’s understandable, Pete gets upset if I try and tell him to take care doing things. He forgets that when he’s very poorly it’s me who has to look after him and ensure he’s ok. I’m happy to do it but would like some co-operation. We do get on well for the most part and I feel privileged to be his wife/carer. Can you explain to friends how you’d like a change of scene? It would do you and Geoff good.

Let’s all keep smiling and soldiering on. Take care xxxx

Exactly , I’m of an age were I’ve learned to appreciate what I have , I love my garden and all the wildlife in it and I’ve recently replaced my old leaky summerhouse with a lovely cabin type shed with panoramic views of the garden so , as I write , I’m sitting enjoying the peace and watching the pouring rain and the brave birds still using all the feeders despite the weather . At the moment there are two goldfinch, a green finch and a wood pigeon within 4 feet of me . The nuthatch, robin , blackbird and several blue tits have already eaten . I think about carers living in built up areas with no greenery and I know how lucky I am . And now I feel guilty for even thinking I need a change of scenery 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣 x

sassy59 profile image
sassy59Ambassador in reply to Thepainterswife

Your new cabin sounds wonderful. How lovely to see the birds like that. I agree we do have to be thankful for what we have. Pete and I are pleased to have our new fence and gate and will be putting in some summer bedding when it stops raining one day.😂Take care and stay safe. Xxx🤗👍🌞

There is a feeder and a table attached to the old tree trunk and I also put food on top of the cut branches then I sit back and enjoy the show 😀. (Excuse the blue bin bag ) I saw your new fencing , it’s lovely , I love the colour ! As you said we just need some decent weather for the summer bedding ( although I’m building up my shrub collection - it’s easier and cheaper 😂

sassy59 profile image
sassy59Ambassador in reply to Thepainterswife

That all sounds very tranquil 😀 I’m pleased you liked the fencing. It’s lovely to feel a bit more private with no gaps in the fence. We like the colour too. I agree shrubs are great and cheaper but I’ll just put some plants in the pots and hanging baskets. They look good throughout the summer. 🥰👍💖

There should have been a photo but it was obviously too big ! if I reduce it it goes on sideways 😂 x

sassy59 profile image
sassy59Ambassador in reply to Thepainterswife

I did wonder 😂 but never mind. Xxxx

Spying on the birds

So I tried once more and it worked 😃 came of the site , came back to check- it’s gone again ☹️ You’ll have to use your imagination 😂🤣 x

sassy59 profile image
sassy59Ambassador in reply to Thepainterswife

😂😂😂I’ve got a great imagination. Xxx👍💜

Hi Callendersgall, I found the poll! I hope you get a lot of responses. I think I could have ticked all of them at different times, but these are my main ones at the moment.

Callendersgal profile image
CallendersgalAdministrator in reply to Hellebelle

Oh well done Hellebelle, I was just typing a response to you!

Regular time out - the feeling of receiving care is crucial to completing the infinite give/receive cycle which is the Cycle of Life in which self-care is raised to high value levels. Wow! I feel a book coming on.... Just to say that a two hour window where no-thing is asked of the carer except to receive is such a blessing. What format is per choice (physical, mental, emotional or spirit uplift). Once a week. Paid for by government. No questions asked. In addition to carers allowance (which in my circumstance replaced a part of salary gained from paid employment and was necessary for costs. Recognition for the value of self-care for the Carer is hard won - create gold medal time for the Olympic Carer!

Callendersgal profile image
CallendersgalAdministrator in reply to MylovedhasPd

What a wonderful idea to be prescribed by right a period of 'you' time, and although I can't see a day coming when we might receive such a bonus, it's really important to try to organise yourself even small breaks, whenever possible. That's why it's so good try to maintain relationships with others and not become too isolated, so that friends and family will see into the situation and hopefully offer you such a space. It doesn't have to be a 'sitter' in all cases either. I just heard from my sister that their children had taken both of them out (my brother-in-law having advanced dementia), and making it into a social occasion for them all. It was very touching and very much a part of that give/receive cycle. It was actually really touching to see a photo of them all together enjoying a meal together. Even though my brother-in-law's cognition of the occasion was limited, he was smiling and a part of the group. Thanks for your interesting insight!

The hardest thing? The "Linda Blair" episodes. Everything's fine ....then suddenly and without warning, ***BOOM!***AMBUSH!***a delusional person frenetically insisting I examine a bunch of pictures of shrubbery, ranting about malevolent people surreptitiously moving the phone poles, fences, plants, and trees, and ultimately our property line markers, then screaming and cursing me when I simply refuse to participate in her lunatic psychodrama for the millionth time. After 6 years, I just can't. I've repeatedly paced it off with a 150' tape; I'm too stupid to read a tape measure. I paid for two surveys; they're wrong. I installed security cameras for her; they're stealthy and avoid or disable the cameras. I've been incarcerated with her for 15 months due to quarantine; don't you think that I might've noticed a crew and several large trucks moving a phone pole 35' from my window? No; they're doing it incrementally; several inches at a time. I'm far too dense to pick up on the subtle clues only she is intuitive enough to see.

We're being surveilled. Malevolent people are creeping through the woods at night, sometimes dragging things; she stays up to all hours in the darkness, looking for them. They're beaming ultrasonic weapons and/or lasers at us, tapping our phones, our house is bugged. Her former employers and our neighbors are all part of this conspiracy; they know that she knows about the secret tunnels. They signal each other about our movements with the street lights. They're stealing her day lilies. Hush! They're listening!

I know she's suffering, and I understand that she's very sick, in a great deal of pain, and this is an expression of her anxiety, but it's really frayed my very last available nerve. I've just completely run out of patience with her delusional rants, melt-downs, and ad hominem attacks.

I'm completely baffled and mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted from trying to deal with this.