new baby and a 5 year old!

[SakhalinStar]

We are expecting our first child together beginning of next year! This is my first pregnancy and one I never thought I would have, after treatments for bladder cancer when I was 20, I was told my chances were 1 in a million of ever getting pregnant. You can imagine the shock to 2 lines!

My partner (we have been together just over 3 years) has a child to a previous relationship. He is 4 currently, he will be 5 when the baby arrives. My partner works away at sea for half of the year, and has his son for around half the time he is home, so really does not see T very often. We are worried as to how to handle this new arrival with him, as at some point he will realise that the baby is around all the time, and he is not.

he gets very jealous of other kids, animals, anything that is shown attention. My partner was cuddled up with our cat, and T chucked at remote at the cats head because of this. As you can imagine that has made me extremely nervous for how he will react to a baby that requires more attention than him.

We have decided that when they first meet, the baby will be in his/her crib, we won’t hold them, and we will allow T to come to them. We are going to try involve him in it entirely, give him scan pictures, help him pick names, room colours, clothes, feeding, baths (all supervised) and try make him feel entirely involved, but I’m nervous for how this will unfold. My partner does want him to feel less important and absolutely neither do I, but equally this is a child who has had undivided attention his whole life and been the centre of everyone’s world, and this will now be shared when he comes to see his Dad, is he going to not want to come anymore?

does anyone have any advice on how we can handle this even better then we plan, im so nervous about it, i dont want T to feel pushed out but I also don’t want everyone to feel they have to highlight him when he’s around and leave me purely to care for the baby everytime he is around (sometimes over a week if it’s the school holidays) as I already have sole care when my partner is at work and I know it’s going to be a struggle. I worry this baby may grow up to be pushed out as T was around first and is seen less often so will be valued more than one who is around all the time. I don’t know, I’m panicking and probably overthinking, I just really want this transition for T to go smoothly and for both kids to be doted on like T has been the past 4 years!

[Jumpppy]

This is a tough one. You can get expert advice on best course of action. From what we were told and I've read you may want to wait until the "last minute" to discuss and may not want to have LO so involved in the prep unless LO is getting the same for himself at the same time (big brother is getting a room refresh, etc.). 3 months feels like a year to a 4yo. A long drawn out process where every visit to Dad's feels like 100% about the new baby for "years" may create more hostile feelings not fewer.

We are not in the same situation, but our youngest displays aggressive behaviors like what you describe. We sought advice and they told us to wait to tell (we told around 34 weeks) and don't discuss the baby around LO unless they bring it up. Don't involve him in the "journey" unless he asks or shows signs of wanting to be involved. Let LO start to understand that there's a baby in the belly and they can cuddle it by cuddling you and the receive cuddles in return. They will see the nursery and start to accept in their own time and ask questions etc.

Yes there will be careful supervision etc. 😀 But key we were told us to not make it feel like there is a dramatic change coming, just a normal course of events. Also given the advice on LOTS of presents from new baby to big brother (after arrival up to 3 or 6 mos - can be small trinkets more about baby loving and being happy to have big brother). Make a big deal about stuff that Dad and big brother can do together that little babies can't do to make him feel special and that he has a specific role and place in the family that is not the baby's place/role. Also we were encouraged to make "helping" with "baby chores" (get a diaper, throw this away, put this in the sink) a requirement of everyone including LO so it "normalizes" the baby as just part of what families are/do and nothing special to get upset about.

Hope this helps. Good luck 😀