How soon is it advisable to get counselling to cope with an unexpected death of a loved one? I’m guessing well over a week?
Last Sunday my partners brother who he’s not that close to decided to visit, he lives a 2 hour drive away so did come as a shock. My partner had a feeling he was about to get bad news about another brother who he is close to. This unfortunately turned out to be correct his brother he is close to had died. This brother was an alcoholic who had recently had a relapse but as far we are aware he had stopped drinking before his death.
As things are at the moment they don’t know when he died he was found last Saturday morning and his dog a 2 year old Labrador what in her cage where she slept with no food or water as normal. She was found dehydrated but alive, so must not have been in there more than 2 or 3 days at most. They know or think he was bleeding when he died. It isn’t being treated as suspicious there was no one with him when he died his house was locked and he was alone.
My partner is struggling to get through this likely made harder not knowing what happened. He is feeling very low to the point of saying you can’t be strong when your heart has been ripped out and it would be better if his heart stopped beating as well 😢. I am doing all I can to help him through this but there is very little I can do other than be there for him to talk to. This weekend we went to his parents to attend his nieces birthday which has been nice but it’s been clear he’s struggling to sleep which is worrying especially as he rides a motorbike to and from work 4 to 5 days a week and delivers food round a campsite on an electric scooter. He is hoping to have his brothers dog to help him come to terms with losing him but they are struggling to find out where she is which isn’t helping.
So would counselling or anything be likely to help right now? I’m guessing not as he needs answers to how and when his brother died and to get the funeral over with which he has already said he’d like me to go to support him but it could be a while yet as they need to find out exactly how he died.
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keeley24
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not brought it up yet as I’m not sure it would help as it’s only been a week and unfortunately it seems what he’s going through is normal reaction anyone would feel. I see counselling as something to stop you grieving longer than say a few month rather than straight away. 2 years ago my partner lost his grandad and his grandads partner couldn’t get over it she stopped eating and was still devastated a year on not wanting to go out that is when I think you do need counselling to help.
My partners work has said they can get him counselling if he needs or wants it to help but this was the day he got the bad news so no more has been said cos these things take time to come to terms with.
well this morning spoke to him on messenger (don’t live together at minute) he’s had 4 hours sleep and says he will be fine. Sounds like he’s got used to being tired cos he isn’t sure if he’s less tired than yesterday. This is how me and him are similar we both have attitude oh I will be ok. I’m not normally one to worry but is a bit worrying how tired he has been lately but me in same situation I’d probably be like him thinking I’ll be ok.
So sorry for the recent loss of your family member.
These things your husband is experiencing are normal. They are all signs of grief. He needs to go through it in his own way in his own time. Grief is not linear, there will be ups and downs through the whole process.
They don't do autopsies in your country for unexpected death at home?
I'm sorry for your loss. Just so I understand correctly, your boyfriend's brother has died and you're wondering when is a good time to get counseling, right? I would say your boyfriend needs counseling right now, asap. There are many free grief counseling groups. You can call any funeral home and get a list. Or if your boyfriend can afford it, a private grief counselor would be helpful. I would not wait to get counseling,
I’ve mentioned there is the chance of him having counceling through work but he seems reluctant cos they won’t understand or know how he’s feeling. I don’t think anyone but him can ever really know how he’s feeling as everyone goes through grief in different ways so not even his mum who has lost her son will know how he’s feeling tho she will have some idea.
over the weekend my partner said he wants to have his brothers dog in hope of helping him move on. He already has a German shepherd and his brothers dog is a Labrador so if would be hard having 2 big dogs but he said he didn’t feel he could move on and come to terms with losing his brother without at least trying to have his brothers dog. His mum was reluctant for him to have his brothers dog cos she is giddy and wants to play all time but his German shepherd isn’t that keen to play as its older. But his mum agreed for him to have his brothers dog for a while to see how he managed. They should have picked her up yesterday while we were there but the police had no records of a dog being picked up. Today they have been told the dog was given to a rescue centre and she got rehomed straight away which isn’t surprising as she is only 2 healthy and friendly so pretty much everything you want in a dog. So not looking likely the family will even see her again. I have said he should look through his brother’s belongings and choose something even if he never uses it just so he has something to feel closer to his brother with and I can’t help feeling it might be for the best he can’t have the dog cos I think he would struggle with 2 big dogs and he would make out he was coping even if he wasn’t just to feel closer to his brother. I am a dog lover myself and have a border terrier so not saying it cos I don’t love dogs. Well right now my partner feels he will never move on from this🙁. I’m hoping things get easier after the funeral as that is normally when things get easier for most people. Funeral likely to be end of this month or start of June.
Hi sorry for your loss thoughts and prayers go out to the family. I`d say book the counselling now because a waiting list probably would happen so the sooner the better. we have a bereavement forum here called bereavement care and share thought I`d let you know.
I'm sorry for your loss. I don't have good answers, because I think grief is a personal thing and each person is different. I don't really know but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you all.
Thanks yea grief is different for everyone which is why I said no one can know how anyone else is feeling. Even going through the same thing they probably feel differently. I’m hoping him being able to talk to me is helping a bit at least cos I only met this brother twice so I’m able to be there more for him to talk to without me getting upset.
At the weekend at his nieces birthday where his brother had been expected to go to before his death, his niece said a birthday speech and added a cheer for her uncle who couldn’t be there and I was in exact right place then next to my partner and his mum next to him both got upset his mum most so I got up and put my arm round them both. His parents have been lovely with me welcoming me into the family so it was nice to be able to comfort them as well. At the moment I’m just reminding my partner things will get easier over time tho he doesn’t seem to believe that and that he has got things to look forward to like holiday to Spain with me in September.
Update well yesterday the news of the police giving his brothers dog to a rehoming shelter and the dog supposedly being rehomed immediately hit him hard. He looked like he’d not slept at all, hardly spoke apart from about his brothers dog and what’s happened to her. Last night he had a friend over but then opened up to me over messenger about how he was feeling and it couldn’t have been much worse. Basically he felt he would be better off dead and joining his brother. He said he’d felt same since finding out about his brother. I said well at least it’s not getting worse and it will get easier in time. I really have no idea what to say in these situations, but I said he should message his brother who was also close to the brother they lost but he refused so I decided to message his brother on facebook and ask him to message my partner just making conversation and say how he was feeling in hope my partner would open up to him. He did message him this morning I said I hadn’t asked his brother to message him as I want him to feel his brother wants to see how he is without being asked to. Honestly last night I thought I could lose him as he seemed determined things wouldn’t get easier there was no other option but to join his brother, nothing else would help.
This morning messaged him but didn’t get reply for a while dos was bit worried but he replied saying he’d only just woken up. He does seem a bit better today and has said he’s going to try the counceling his work has offered him. He’s also wanting to get a nice personalised photo frame for a photo he’s got of him and his brother. I’ve also mentioned he could get a memory box of things to do with his brother. I’ve pointed out to him if he does commit suicide he is putting his dog in same situation his brothers dog is in and he doesn’t want that to happen. So at least today he seems to be focusing on coming to terms with losing his brother rather than joining him, how long that will last I don’t know and I know if his brothers dong isn’t found it will be harder for him to come to terms with. Hopefully some counselling or talking to his brother will help as he feels no one understands how he feels which is probably true but his brother will have a good idea.
Yes I think counseling is a very good idea. If he becomes severely depressed he could always try medication and go off it once he becomes better able to cope.
In the meantime though you are being very supportive and loving, doing and saying all the right things. I commend you for that and just keep caring for him as you have.
Thanks. He is actually on anti depressants cos he has epilepsy and the medication he takes to control seizures can cause depression. Last winter he had depression caused by epilepsy medication so started on antidepressants. So yea he’s only recently come through that then this happened.
Well today has been much better day. Been out for a meal with him and my mum. Now he’s looking at these 3D photo frames to make photos look 3D he wants one of a photo of him and his brother 🙂. Only thing now is funeral coming up he really wants me to go with him he feels it will make it easier for him but depending on the day cos I may not be able to get on certain dates so just have to see what happens.
It's when ur partner is ready to seek counselling will it happen & until then all U can do is exactly what U are doing. Also look for groups where others have lost a sibling, that way he has a connection with others & they know exactly how they all feel.
Unfortunately ur partners brother was an addict & the hard part to accept is they lie, sneak & say things that gets others off their backs.
Counselling is brilliant for anyone who has issues that we don't understand or overwhelmed by & I say this from my own experience.
I truly believe in group counselling as everyone in the group was of the same mind set & we understood what was meant but it is a case of when he wants & is ready to seek it out. For me I had an hallucination out of the blue & using logic I knew I needed help & reached out to my local crisis team.
This group is a good place for U to learn as well & signs to look out for when ur partner needs help in dealing with his grief.
I do hope ur partner realises that U care about him dearly as I'll admit that at my lowest those closed to me are the ones I lashed out at & I didn't mean it & I was always apologising.
Lastly
I wish U both love & light on ur journey & again don't be afraid to ask for insight as those people here have been where ur partner has been & others in worse situations but heroes everyone.
Thanks for that reply. He did mention yesterday that he was going to give counceling a chance which was offered by his work. Thankfully he hasn’t lashed out at me through his upset, but that is one thing that would cause big problems if he did. He is wanting me to attend the funeral with him which I have said I will if it is a day I’m not doing anything. I hardly knew his brother only met him twice so I’ve told him truthfully I would be going to support him. I did ask him yesterday if he felt me going would make much difference for him as the date mentioned I’m not sure I’d be able to go. He said he feels it would help him so I’ve told him he needs to speak to his mum who is planning the funeral and tell her how he feels me going would help him in hope she will plan it for a day I can get but it needs to come from him not me.
Ur right that he should talk to his mom about U going & ur also right that if allowed to attend ur going for ur partner as he feels safer with U by his side.
It's a difficult time for everyone in ur partner's family especially his mom as no parent ever wants to have to bury/cremate any of their kids.
I hope he does speak to his mom & that she says yes for ur partner's sake rather than dismiss it. He does need to communicate to her what U mean to him & if she agrees try ur very best to go with ur partner as he will need ur support & guidance too.
Also make sure U have an exit plan if it gets too much for ur partner & get him back home & I did read where U said he takes medication , check in with him that he is taking them as at times like this we forget to do basic things.
Lastly
I wish U love & light on ur journey & I wish his mom is as mom's should be
Thanks for the reply. Well I’m pleased to say he does seem to be coping better with things now. I did ask him a week back if he was coming to terms with it any more he said no but has still seemed much better. Planning for future or next few days etc as in no plans to end his life and no more talk of that thankfully.
As for funeral that is next month until today he thought his mum only wanted people who were close to his brother to go, which I respected. Today she has asked him if I’m going to the funeral. So looks like I will be going. I have messaged his mum just politely asking if it’s ok for me to go and said I respect her wishes if she would prefer if to be only people who were close to the son she lost. Today when I was about to leave my partners house he asked me to look at flowers he’s choosing from for the coffin and ideas of what to put on the card. So he is wanting me involved to help him.
is there any advice what I can do to make things easier for my partner at the funeral? I’m guessing not apart from putting my arm round him and being there. I’d actually thought I wouldn’t be going so hadn’t thought of it much just let him know to message me through the day and that was all. Now his mum has said I can go it’s on my mind I know it is going to be an important day for us as a couple probably bring us closer but can’t help thinking I’m just there as spare part. Has anyone attended a funeral before purely to be there for someone they love? How did it go? I’m even thinking of where to sit I know family normally go to the front but I’m thinking I’ll probably be best on end of a row just next to my partner and let him sit between me and probably his parents. Probably overthinking.
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