Tis the season where words like “thankful”, “grateful”, “blessed”, and “gratitude” seem to find their way into virtually every conversation. If these words hold some joy and/or positive associations for you, that’s amazing. However, for many people, these words are (in essence) weaponized. Those who don’t understand depression and anxiety often present depression and gratitude as mutually exclusive concepts; as if being depressed means you aren’t grateful for things in your life. Please allow me to lay a little truth on you:
You can be depressed AND be grateful. Being depressed does not mean that you are ungrateful. In fact, despite their frequent presentation as antonyms, these words have only a peripheral association with one other. Being depressed means that you feel deprived of joy. Things for which we are grateful CAN bring us joy. That’s it. That’s the association.
The confusion stems, in part, from the fact that “gratitude” can be thought of as a hybrid concept; it implies being thankful and appreciative of something. While we can certainly find ways to be grateful for the challenges in our lives, very often it’s easier to feel grateful for the things that bring us joy. So, yes, I can be grateful that my experiences with an abusive ex led me to a place where I had to learn how to fight for myself; where I had to decide to value myself enough to walk away and demand better treatment. However, I can also be grateful for hot coffee, any apple scented candle, the feel of lake water rushing over my feet in the summer and the smell of the first snow. Equally, I can be grateful that I once went tubing down the fastest moving river in the state with a group of friends - and while the trip was only supposed to take 4 hours, we took 7.5 hours because we kept running into the fallen trees and getting tangled in the branches on the sides of the river. So little grace, so little skill, so many scratches (a broken finger and a bruised tailbone), but so much laughter.
The important piece here is that even if I get to a place where I can find value in the hardships of my life - even if I can look back and find a way to appreciate them (i.e., find gratitude) - it doesn’t mean that these things will ever bring me joy. Looking back on a traumatic relationship may be something I value and recognize as contributing to my own growth, but it won’t ever make me feel happy. AND THAT’S OK because gratitude is not the antidote to depression. I can find gratitude and even in that gratitude I can feel pain.
Now… to the extent that gratitude brings me joy, this is ONLY PART of the antidote to depression. Feeling joy releases the “good” neurotransmitters in our brains - those that allow us to feel happiness, joy, and contentment. Yes, feeling joy literally alters our brain chemistry and provides a step toward healing. But it is not gratitude that brings this - it’s the joy from memory for which I am grateful. Can we see this? Am I making sense?
The point of this novel-long post is two-fold. First, I know many of us will be confronted with conversations in which we feel belittled or criticized if we’re not happy or perky enough for others during the holiday. I want this post to sit in the back of your mind as a way of alleviating that guilt. Having depression and anxiety doesn’t mean you are ungrateful. Being depressed doesn't mean you have less value or less to contribute. Being depressed doesn't mean you're not trying to make the best of things.
Second, I want you to have a better understanding of where the association between gratitude and depression comes from - because most people don’t know. And those who oversimplify are the same people who tend to say insensitive things to those of us who might be struggling with depression. Treat these people with the compassion you might show a child who insists that horses are actually baby unicorns that are carried to earth by sparkly platypuses - platypuses that were released into the sky by the weird, twilight-inspired, diamond-encrusted vampires - so that these bedazzled, egg-laying mammals can lasso puffy clouds to help them float gently down to earth with their baby unicorn (i.e, horse). “Oh! Is that so? Thank you for telling me. Why don’t you get more fruitcake, sweetheart.” So, when people start talking nonsense, think: sparkly platypuses holding reigns, unicorns, vampires, puffy clouds; sparkly platypuses holding reigns, unicorns, vampires, puffy clouds.
You got this.
xx
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