Anybody else with aggressive intrusive thoughts?

[Malakiki]

I read here a lot of stories about contamination type OCD, but haven't found anything about aggressive category. I'm 29yo and was diagnosed only 2 months ago. Would never think these kind of thoughts are connected with OCD. I feel like also movies categories it only with cleanliness.

Examples of my intrusive thoughts are : being on a subway or in a road and having thoughts of jumping there or pushing someone there. Walking somewhere and imagining someone attacking me, strangling me etc. Holding a knife and seeing how I'm hurting with it someone around me. Driving and seeing how I'm crashing intentionally.

Compulsions how I sometimes deal with it are knock on something or my leg three times.

Currently I'm looking for OCD specialist to start CBT, but unsuccessfully.

Anybody else here with aggressive obsessions here, can you share with me which ones and what compulsions are you using? And did CBT help you?

Would be nice to see someone in similar situation.

[Baker202]

you are not alone. These are called harm intrusive thoughts. I also had a similar experience where I at first thought that OCD was only about germs or checking locks and flipping light switches, so I had a lot of shame about my intrusive thoughts and it took me a long time to work up the courage to tell my therapist about my intrusive thoughts. I primarily have sexually intrusive thoughts where I am terrified that I might be a pedophile. But I have also had harm intrusive thoughts where I imagine causing a car accident or I’ll see a sharp object and suddenly I’ll get an image of cutting myself. Some of my compulsions include shaking my head to “get rid of” the thought or checking my groin to see if I’m aroused by something. But honestly, most of my compulsions are mental. I would get stuck trying rationalize thoughts, reviewing previous memories as evidence for or against thoughts, and mentally practicing future conversations that I wanted to have with others or my therapist trying to explain the thoughts. Working with a therapist who understood OCD helped me so much. I still get intrusive thoughts, and sometimes they still cause a wave of panic, but they are generally much easier to accept and pass through my mind more quickly without me needing to spend time on compulsions. The hardest thing for me was learning that my thoughts did not mean that I wanted to do something or that I liked something. In fact, intrusive thoughts can often reveal strengths. If my BIGGEST fear in life is that I’m a pedophile, that’s because I have such a strong value for being a caring and compassionate person. Intrusive thoughts only work at making you anxious because you as a person have strong values against what the thought is telling you. Stay determined in trying to find a therapist who uses CBT. This won’t be your life forever! In the mean time, something that really helped me was a workbook called The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD by Hershfield.

[Malakiki in reply to Baker202]

Thank you so much for your long answer! Oh god yes I also struggle with sexual thoughts, I was just ashamed to write it. Yes indeed also kids and some incest ones. I'm SO ASHAMED for these and it is very very hard to talk about them, so thank you for voicing this. I'm not planning to have children, but tbh this was one of the reasons why not to have them. I'm very worry my sexual thought about my own kid would absolutely destroy me.

[lml885]

I have these but more constant uncontrollable thoughts like an internal dialogue in my head all the time telling what I’m doing, critical voices feom my past, song lyrics. It’s out of control. All I can say is we can’t control our thoughts and to try to expose ourselves and sit uncomfortably with the feeling it brings, just not judging the feeling but allowing it to pass eventually or discover what it actually means. It’s hard but it can in occasionally relieve these feelings. Medication can help especially guided. But in having a really har time. I think we think we can control the thoughts but we can’t that’s why they are intrusive. We have to get over the feeling it causes rather than the thought. Distraction helps too. Trying to neutralize the thought as it’s not good or bad. Being in nature helps too.

[Natureloverpeace in reply to lml885]

Distraction can be a useful tool if used appropriately. If it’s used to negate an OCD obsessive thought then it may bring short-term relief but it feeds the OCD by reinforcing the obsession. This is how compulsions work. It teaches the brain that there is a threat to be dealt with and that distress can’t be tolerated. The short-term relief feels good but it’s only short-term. More and more compulsions need to be done for relief but that just strengthens the OCD. No amount of trying to negate the OCD intrusive thought will satisfy OCD’s appetite. OCD can be starved through response prevention, acceptance of uncertainty and realizing that one can deal with distress, even when it feels impossible.

[lml885 in reply to Natureloverpeace]

I basically wrote a lot of that in my response. I included all of what you said but sometimes even that doesn’t work as literally nothing seems to work for me. But neutralizing them as in not thinking of them as good or bad from a meditation context did help me briefly especially in nature. But also just exposing myself to the feeling also only helped briefly with meditation. I can barely get enough ERP I need. I don’t appreciate you basically trying to contradict what I said as I offered several ways including ERP. But so far that only helped me short term. Realizing I can’t control my thoughts does help short term but so does everything else. I’m suffering in ways you can’t imagine and I was offering someone else some tools that may help them. Even OCD experts say to bully back the OCD or just accept it, several tools might work for different people. I’ve had so many invasive procedures it’s unreal. I even offered a way to try ERP where your first comment below pointed to a directory, but you usually have to have insurance and even with my insurance I haven’t been able to find someone who seems to truly be able to help. I don’t wish to have further conversation with you.

[Natureloverpeace in reply to lml885]

I’m sorry you took offense at my reply, it wasn’t a personal criticism. I only said something about using distraction, nothing else. It was a caution because people in OCD support groups sometimes recommend distraction as a way to bring relief, and distraction can be a healthy technique when used in the appropriate context. The question is what is the function of the behavior? When distraction is used to negate the distress from an intrusive thought it reinforces the obsession and can become a compulsion and make OCD worse in the long-term. I’m sorry you took my comment personally. It wasn’t a personal criticism but rather a cautionary heads up for anyone reading it.

[lml885 in reply to Natureloverpeace]

It’s not even about being personal, as I clearly mentioned ERP. I get what you mean about distraction but yoi can’t see how you were not seeing what I already wrote that validated what you said. And for some of us ERP may not work. I was offering several ways to help someone and when I’m struggling myself no I don’t like to be contradicted. I’m even empathizing with what you say that distraction and neutralizing may not be effective for all of work. But sometimes exposure to a feeling may only be temporary relief and many can’t find OCD/ERP therapists to help them. I don’t wan to discuss anymore personally I’m at a loss.

[Natureloverpeace]

I’m sorry you’re struggling and having a hard time finding an OCD specialist. The IOCDF has a resource directory which includes OCD specialists. iocdf.org, click on Find Help