5/10 week, health insurance, and (almost) grief

[CroutonBehavior]

I was getting desperate and was going to call my insurance company myself. Turns out that I'm no longer insured. They're working on reinstating me and all I can do is wait but I don't know how long it's going to take. So that's an upsetting obstacle but I'm more upset that it doesn't even matter.

It doesn't matter if I have insurance or not because I couldn't find a psychiatrist with their help or over the internet or with a referral from my doctor. The only choice right now is to wait to have health insurance again, maybe switch over to another healthcare service, and see if they have a psychiatrist available. Over the phone, they said that if I switched to their service I could get a new primary doctor and they could write a referral to their service but I don't think it would be any different. They're probably promising better availability in hopes to get a new client.

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(now I'm just venting)

Nothing truly matters anymore. My grandmother passed away this week and I'm only sad because we were never close. I realize now, I have one grandparent left and none of them ever really tried to connect with me when I was a kid. My parents didn't either and I know that I will never know what it feels like to cry from loss and not a missed opportunity.

Now would probably be the time to seek a therapist but without medication, I feel like it does me no good. In the past it has felt like running around in circles just catching them up on everything just to get recommended coping skills I'm already familiar with. The coping skills lost efficiency over time but they never fully helped in the first place. A therapist is just nothing but a place for me to go for exposure therapy and a person to talk to once a week.

After a while, I feel like they're just robots because of how predictable every session is. I know how they'll greet me, how they'll react to bad news, and the advice they'd give. It varies from therapist to therapist but it's always so similar that I might as well talk to AI or have a conversation with myself. I feel like that with almost everyone I've ever spoken to.

I don't know why I'm still here or anywhere or what I'm doing. I feel like I have to lie and ignore reality sometimes just to get some relief. But going from a daydream to reality again and again only to realize that I've been stuck in reality regardless isn't painless either.

[Dusty1234]

Hello,

I don't know if you'll be able to hear me right now because you're hurting so much, but I'm going to try. You know you're stuck, you know it's hard to get up and move and hope. These are things that now have become your reality. There is hope out there I swear. If you need to ho;d on to my feelings, please do so, because there is a person, people who can hold that until you're ready. I don't know where you live, but there is often a crisis management clinic nearby. They won't cure you or make everything better, but you know that. However, they can get you through this crisis. They usually don't worry about insurance and can get someone to prescribe for you. They can evaluate to make sure you're safe enough to be on your own right now. Maybe you need a group setting and not individual therapy to see you're not alone. I don't know because I would never try to play therapist. I do know that right now, you need to know you are heard and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You had the courage to post on here, which means you want to get better. Please try to reach out to professionals that have the right expertise to get you through this moment, this day, this week. You matter, you are worth taking the chance, we have your back! Please take a chance and keep us posted. ❤️