Anorexia Nervosa-My JourneyTo Recovery

[art62grammie]

II am 56 years of age. I have had anorexia since age 14. I checked myself into a mental facility come six years in January of 2019. I have struggled with the voices for 40 plus years. This is the first time in all those years of mental illness I sought treatment. I will be a lifer for therapy. I have written a 16,000 word- book. Someday I will finish it. I have given many copies to people who struggle with anorexia. It is truly the most deadly mental illness there is. The book is titled Anorexia Nervosa-My Journey To Recovery. This is how I shut the voices out of my head. Yes, you feel as though you are crazy. That is the ultimate goal of this illness. To destroy both you and your mind. We are far from insane. That too is a lie from the illness. Do not believe it. I too listen to music, turn on the bathroom exhaust fan, clean and etc. to drown out the evil voices. It works for me. I know those monster voices in my head. I talk out loud to it. It becomes a small pebble and then gone. I will defeat the voices in my head. Remember this we are insane. I too understand your struggles. I have been ill 40 plus years. I am recovering very well. Keep up the fight. Do not let the enemy win. We are beautiful and deserve to live just like everyone else. Keep fighting.

[art62grammie]

I am sorry I didn't proofread my post before sending it. I reread it now. That one sentence reads we are insane. I am sorry for my mistake, WE ARE NOT NOT NOT INSANE. DO NOT LET THE LIES OF THE VOICE LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE YOU ARE. THAT IS A LIE FROM THE ENEMY. I apologize for the misprint in my first post.

[sliverofsilver in reply to art62grammie]

You can edit posts. Click the ‘more button underneath the reply button. This will give you the option to report, delete, or edit. Obviously, you don’t want to report or delete. Click edit, and edit away.

[crazycrossstitcher]

Thanks for the encouragement - I have had anorexia since 17 years - now 58 - so almost the same as you. Fantastic you've written a book to encourage others and make people realise how deadly anorexia is - have you spoken to ABC about the book / getting involved with them - you sound as you could be a real advocate - as I try to be - as the Government doesn't seem to realise they need to fund help in this area - not just obesity - I've been trying for treatment since moving for nearly a year - so far seen a dietician but no counselling to back it up - and my GP is great but clearly cannot support someone with a mental illness - good luck with your onward journey.

[art62grammie in reply to crazycrossstitcher]

Thank you. Hearing others like you who have struggled so long too with mental illness. Anorexia is tough but we are in control. I will look into ABC about my book. I hope you find counseling soon. I know I will always need my mental doctors as like I have posted my past childhood rape and all the abuse I have been through. I know now this is why I BECAME ILL AT 14 years of age. To control my world. My past, memories that I had repressed, I just began remembering 2 years ago. I am so sorry you became ill. That is no life for anyone. We are conquering, we are warriors, and this battle can be won. Thank you so much for sharing with me. I know I have won this war. I will be strong and let my past go. I will not let the enemy destroy me anymore. I am free.

[Brindle-01]

Hi I understand am struggling right now with recovery. Have music blaring and trying to chill before what promises to be another sleepless night. Will get through this time. Message me for a chat if you need. Great to hear your motivation xxxxx

[lillyofthevalley37]

What do the voices say and is there more than one ? Thanks for sharing your story

[art62grammie in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

The evil monster voices tell me not to eat. It tells me what to do. It controlled me. The voice told me what to eat. It told me I am insane, it spoke 24/7. Now, I know how to talk back to it. I even speak out loud sometimes. At one time, it spoke very loud. If it can speak to me, I can speak to it. I tell that evil voice, "you do not control me anymore. I am now in control of you. YOU VOICE, GO TAKE A HIKE". Then the power I now have over that voice becomes very silent. I hear it no more. I put on my armor daily, which is my 75 mg of Zoloft, remembering everything they taught me in 6 years of therapy, write things in a journal if I need to, eat and just enjoy friends and family. I do what the heck I want. I am now the powerful one against the Anorexia, not it. Keep up the struggle you will get there and be free just like me. Love you and stand up to those monster voices. You are the hero not it. I listened for 40 plus yrs. and it about took my life. Don't drink water, don't eat this or that. I obsessed about food 24/7. It wore me out mentally and physically. Before I almost died from Anorexia for the final time in Nov. 2012, I would not even eat my one safe food (a handful of dry cheerios). That is how bad I got to be before treatment. Some of my issues with certain foods were also repressed in my memories of my rape. Of course, I was afraid of sugar like most Anorexics. I will get fat. I have never been fat except with pregnancy. Get this I had 3 very healthy children. My doctors told me at 19 I will probably never be fertile again. The yrs that I had starved as a teenager, probably messed up my reproductive system. Well, I guess not. I hope that I do not harm anyone by sharing my memories of why I became ill at 14. I would never want to do that. There are many times underlying issues of our illness. What caused it? I suffered lots of abuse as a child. I needed something to hang on to survive. I starved. The Anorexia takes over and goes on forever until you get treatment. To get to the root of the beginning of the illness. Some of my painful memories are sugar foods-my father would tell me as a small child as he was raping me. You need to be very quiet so that no one could hear us and I will buy you candy tomorrow. Candy is all sugar. It took me many years to eat sugar without fear. Therapy helped resolve this fear. Sugar is needed to help mind and body function. Your brain feeds off of sugar. Do not avoid it. My fear was the rape not even knowing that until my memories came out 2 yrs ago. The fear of drinking, the memories of being raped in the bathroom. If I drink I will pee. That is normal, drink, and go to the bathroom. I love the bathroom now. Thank God, that bathroom is awesome. Holding urine in the old bladder is painful. The memories go on and on. I remember it all now. That is recovery. Getting to the root of my Anorexia and to heal the mind. Is it painful for me to speak of my past? It was at first. Now, it is no longer painful. It is in my past and I have remembered it. It is now time to let it go and live free from my past and my illness. That is what almost 6 yrs now of treatment has done for me. MY MENTAL FACILITY HAS GIVEN ME LIFE. Each one of you readers deserves to be free from your illness as well. GO FOR IT. I was afraid at first to get help. If you are afraid do it in fear. What have you got to lose? Don't let fear hold you back.

[lillyofthevalley37 in reply to art62grammie]

Thank you for sharing all that it's inspirational that you have told Ana to get lost

[annew1959]

HI It is so good to hear from you and that you are winning your battle with this horrible horrible disease. I am similar began at aged 14 and now I am 59. I have had many highs and lows in that time. Hospitalised a few times and ate my way out. I have been very blessed to have married and have had 3 beautiful sons who are now all adults. There is so much more help and knowledge that the psychologists and professionals have these days is amazing. Back then no one believed you they thought we were crazy but we are not and like you we are definitely not INSANE. This disease is know to be one of the hardest to win but if we are all there to help each other and support each other we can WIN. To all the young girls and boys who have just realised that they have disordered eating PLEASE PLEASE SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY ... the faster you can get on with recovery the better it is for you. Stay focused and NEVER GIVE UP

[art62grammie in reply to annew1959]

Thank you for your reply. Be strong and take care of you. Love you and so thankful for this support team we have.

[art62grammie]

This is me before treatment almost six yrs ago. I look like death. I hated my looks now I love my weight and very comfortable with food, looks, and weight.