My apologies

[kearnan]

I have a very bad habit of coming on here, venting in a usually long email, (I write like I talk...way too much and then I do not come back on this forum board for a while.

I remember when I first joined, I just read and then became "friendly" with another woman and felt a bit more comfortable. And then like a week later, I logged on and her daughter had posted that she had died. She had some medical procedure and died on the operating table.

I remember being so upset and thought I do not want to become "friends" with anyone and then read that they have passed.

I just found out now (by accident) that there is a private forum where people can message you in private and I see loads of private messages to me that I never responded to. I did not mean to be rude, I had no idea that even existed. Although now that I think about it, I did read some people saying I will message you.

I did not want to be on here every day bc unless I was at the cancer center, I did not want to discuss or think about cancer. I do not read any books about it or magazine articles or try any new juicing method and have never ever taken a vitamin or supplement in my life.

I have smoked since I was 17 and continue until today. I had the nicotine patch on (I tried that at least 20 times) when I got my diagnosis and immediately ripped the patch off, and bought a pack of cigs. I was told it did not matter if I smoked or not, cancer was random.

My friend's father, who never smoked or drank in his life, died from lung cancer. Oh the ironic thing is that the hospice nurse said my oxygen level is fine. My friend was like how can that be? You have smoked all your life and I never smoked and I am constantly having issues with my breathing.

Well, I passed my three mile mark. I lived until Christmas, New Year's and my birthday (now 63) on January 10th.

I got a renewal of hope and energy once I found out how much they were increasing the SSDI, the biggest increase since 1982. I said to my friend via email, I was upset and thought Oh no, I want that extra money so sheer determination I got my increase on the 3rd of the month. My friend said she laughed so hard as that was my reason for hanging on.

So please excuse me if I did not respond to any pms. And for coming on here and venting, and then disappearing for several weeks.

It is just that I know that you ladies can understand what I am feeling or going through more than my friends can even if they say they get it, they really do not and I hope they never have to "get it."

[Hazelgreen]

Thanks for the update! You do seem to be in a happier, energetic mood. Having extra cash is always an upper 😊. Congratulations on turning 63 eleven days ago! Do take the time to respond to the private messages. There are many thoughtful, caring women on this site, and I'm sure they would enjoy hearing from you.

Best of Wishes, Cindy

[Aquadog]

I have also wondered about the messaging - no idea what people meant by that! LOL I truly hope you don't stop posting the way you do. I enjoy your posts (or am saddened by them depending on the content) - but I still look forward to seeing what's up with you.

And here's something random - my mom's sister and brother both smoked, both died of lung cancer several years ago. My mom has been a smoker since 1967 (when my dad died). She is now 93 and does not have any cancer of any sort. In fact, she doesn't have any life-threatening diseases! So yeah, cancer is random. Have those cigs and just live the way you want.

BTW, I was also delighted to see the raise in my SS. Wish it would happen every year!

Don't forget to post lots of pictures of NZ!

Sending hugs

Susan

[Aquadog in reply to Aquadog]

Oh good lord, I'm sorry - mixed you up with someone else about the NZ! I had two screens open at once - LOL. Better not do that again!

[BluHydrangea]

good to hear your update! Sending a virtual hug!!

[Godbeforme]

thank God we have a place to vent to each other! <3

[Granny333 in reply to Godbeforme]

Amen to that!

[Pbsoup]

I LOVE your posts. Please keep us updated with everything. ❤️

[valentinecalico]

Here to send support and love regardless of how much or where you post or need to vent! 😍

[Ursula_I]

Hi Kearnan

No need to apologise. This MBC really messes around with your head and emotions. I am so glad you are back to your sparky self. I hope you can get to a good accommodation with your hospice-at-home. It potentially is a really good arrangement for you, it would seem.

Keep hanging on in there. Know that I am thinking of you.

Lucy x

[NPmary]

I love your posts/sharing. Thank you. Best, Mary.🌺❤🌺

[Tmbj]

So lovely to hear from you again love reading your posts and pleased you celebrated your 63 rd birthday🎂🎉 Sending love and positive thoughts to you xx 🥰🤗

[MyMiracle13]

Hearing from you always puts a smile to my face. I enjoy your feistiness (don’t know if there is even such a word)but you probably know what I mean. Way to go Kearnan!