It's been heartwarming to read about all the wives and significant others out there who have been there on this journey supporting their partners and I was hesitant to post about this but thought it might help others who have had similar experiences and reluctant to discuss and open up and share.
I'm 57 and diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2019 and put on active surveillance until last year when they found it had spread. I had radical prostatectomy a little over a week ago.
We've been married 25 years, with the last couple of years realizing it was more or less over but wanted to remain together for our 3 kids as we live in a part of Canada where the average house price is well over 1 million and despite making pretty good money, I couldn’t afford to cover the mortgage and my rent if I moved out.
Since my diagnosis my wife hasn’t been terribly supportive but given how she is I guess it shouldn’t be a big surprise. The day I was to find out if I was to need surgery, she came home and watched tv for 2 hours before asking me about what the doc had to say. When I was first told I needed surgery and I was trying to talk about how I felt, she told me I needed to find a support group. ( I kinda thought that was what marriage was about).
We talked very little leading up to the surgery other than her telling me I needed to go get a will. Coming home from hospital she went to work the next day after taking off the whole previous week with a sore throat. A week after surgery and she’s now on me that I’m milking this whole thing and should be doing more of the things I usually do, loading dishwasher, taking out garbage, vacuuming, etc.
Like I said, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by her lack of compassion, granted I’m not winning any husband of the year awards as I could’ve been more attentive and have struggled understanding her needs with her depression over the years.
Sorry for the long winded post and thanks for letting me vent. I’ve been going through a flood of emotions with this cancer journey and just needed to get it off my chest. If it's taught me anything it's that it's time to make some changes.
I’d love to hear from others with similar stories.
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dtl64
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Not denying that you need support, it seems that you wife is actually in much greater need. I'm in no way qualified to diagnose but I have spent many years supporting guys in similar dysfunctional situations (but for different reasons). It seems you are well past the effectiveness of normal marriage counseling; and it appears that your wife may be suffering from depression or something related. I wonder if you could instigate a third party (family, friends, doctor, or clergy) to nudge her into getting the help she needs? Then take a close look at that "keep it together for the kids" idea, is it really working with the dysfunction between you? The stress will have significant effect on your healing. Might be time to live a simpler life without the burdens of expectations, and make taking care of yourself primary.
I really appreciate your situation. When I was diagnosed wife tried to be supportive but just couldn't handle it. She also pushed me towards support groups and others for understanding.
I found support and understanding with another woman and got a divorce. Our only daughter was graduating from college so that was not a problem.
I could not continue on this journey without the love a support a wife. I wish you all the luck in the world.
My wife is supportive....to a point....and she works for the fn catholic church....all my trials apts are on tuesdays....for 4.5 yrs shes ben to 1....they have their " team " meetings on tuesdays and i guess god does a zoom call....kicker was when i said when adt fails and i have to go to nxt level of treatment....i might need ride back/ forth from dr. Her saintly reply "as long as its not on tuesday"😖......that aside she does have many redeeming quality i think....nice thing about adt/ erleada memories dont last long......
Thank you all for your support, both those who posted here and those who messaged me directly, especially those brave enough to share their stories, I figured I couldn't be the only one out there experiencing something like this and really just wanted to see if I could get others to open up and share. I know how difficult it is to talk about this as I even considered pulling the post after I wrote it.
I know I now need to focus on getting better and figure a way to get out of here and move on as it's beyond saving.
I am 58 and also in Canada, near Victoria, British Columbia. I can't offer any advice. I am one of the lucky ones with a very supportive partner. Our relationship has grown stronger since my diagnosis and I am very grateful for it. I'm glad you wrote about your experience. One of the best parts about this forum is that we share our stories and find out that we are not alone in experiencing whatever we are dealing with. I'm sure your story will be relevant and helpful to others. I hope you are able to figure out a future path that works best for you.
You're certainly not the only one. One thought - your wife may be in denial - that anything is wrong with you and feeling guilty about not being there for you. Likely? Well - maybe. I think the range of emotions shown by spouses can range from detachment to very active involvement - and anything in between. A friend did radiation, and his wife went every day. I did 45 days and didn't even think of having my wife come, I didn't need my hand held (which is about all she'd be able to do), and I was in and out of the hospital in about 20 minutes. Different folks - different strokes.
I like that analogy....my wife is probably in that boat...and i dont need her to hold my hand eyethere....but its kinda nice to no where you rank....and i was always superman b4 i got apc....friggin adt is kyrtonite to me....peace...bw
I never felt my marriage was so great until I got some intimate exposures to others' marriages that had appeared pretty happy from the outside. Ours was definitely better.
Your wife mentioned finding a support group. I think that is good advice as it has been helpful to me. Grumpy has always been somewhat uncommunicative and it's worse now. He has so many ailments that I need support with. Not enough time for them all. I have gained a lot from the ones I have attended in person and online.
So sorry to hear, will keep you and your spouse in our prayers. Sounds like things were a little shaky prior to the surgery, and issues like this really bring feelings to the surface. Hang in there and survive and thrive
I was diagnosed at age 49 and had an RP just 4 months after my 50th birthday. To be honest my partner was a complete c*nt.
He being late 20’s he had no sense of what I was going through, never came with me once to the hospital and got pissed off because I could not fuck his butt like I used to do before the Op. Totally selfish and self centred and with me so vulnerable after the Op. had no feelings for how I was dealing with my new sex life.
Needles to say he is history now but I am still amazed how long it took me to kick the bastard out.
Lessons learned; but it has soured how I feel about new relationships and I have had guys even now who when I tell them that I cannot shoot spunk have just walked away.
But there are guys out there luckily who are just a tad more human and sympathetic.
Just do not put up with any shit, like I did once. If this site had been around when I was diagnosed maybe I would have reacted differently, and got my life sorted a lot quicker.
I think we all get so wrapped up in our own experiences that we find it hard to comprehend the added complexities both emotional and physical of this disease for gay men. I’m sorry you had to go through all that but glad you had the strength to move on. Stay healthy.
so really sorry that this is happening to you .... just having cancer is more than hard enough ... and ... good emotional support from one's partner makes an enormous positive difference in so many ways
in my opinion ... and ... i admit to being a traditionalist ... marriage is for "double joy and half-sorrow" ... and ... "i came to serve; not to be served" ... and ... "just like the letter A, we lean-on each other with God in the centre" ... always remember what God's Word says about me refusing to live my marriage God's way ... Pastor Jimmy Evans who has the largest Christian marriage ministry in the world and who has written over forty books is on record as saying: "A marriage lived God's way has a one-hundred percent chance of succeeding and thriving" ... you may want to check-him-out at ... XOMarriage.com
yes ... it takes two to tango ... and ... in a happy, healthy, and holy marriage both sides are willing to leave no-stone-unturned to try to heal and reconcile their marriage ... if both sides are not, i believe that there is an important message there
the behaviours of your wife that you mentioned and their context, suggest that they may fall along the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum ... you may want to checkout marriagehelper.com ... MH has a track record of 30 years experience in saving many marriages including those where couples were already separated and/ or divorced
Thanks again for all the kind words of support. I’m really happy that so many people have given different perspectives. My hope is others going through similar experiences in the past, now or even in the future might find some comfort in knowing they are not the only ones. Keep sharing your experiences
I knew going into this that the marriage was more or less over and has been for some time. We’ve slept apart for years and there’s really nothing left to save, like I said I figured I could tough it out and keep it together for the kids. Don’t get me wrong, I’m just as responsible for this, as I have to admit I have little feelings left for someone who has been so confrontational and borderline emotionally, and mentally abusive. The years of this compounded with dealing with her depression and more recently her heavy drinking have just taken their toll and left me empty. She’s tried therapy in the past but has always quit once they start telling her things she doesn’t want to hear. I think I was just hoping that she might have a little compassion and lay off well I recovered. I was wrong.
Like I said, this whole experience has just made me realize, I need to get well and find a way to get out of here and move on as soon as possible.
Hi,I’m sorry to hear your story but glad that you’re ready to move forward yourself.
I don’t have a similar story.
I’m single and don’t have a conventional notion of a God, though recognise that I am a spiritual being having a human experience.
My experience to date reinforces the belief that I’ll not experience more in any one day than I can handle. I do of course live in relationships with others, friends, neighbours etc. though ultimately I am alone.
That’s a scary thought for some people, once I came to terms with it a couple of decades ago, I realised that I ought to nurture a supportive network for myself and be willing to play a supportive part in the lives of others to live my life effectively. This is ongoing, especially as I have moved frequently due to work etc.
It is possible to not only survive negative life experiences, but to grow and thrive, all the while remaining human, imperfect and sometimes even needy.
One more from me as this i a subject we should talk about....i remember the day we went to doc for pathology on biopsy....he had made the mistake of saying its probably nothing...( i went to hs with him)...my wife was in waiting room...i think all of us remember hearing the doc say .....you have cancer ....and an aggresive type....i stood up ...walked to the fith floor window....and remember looking out and evrything turned shades of grey....he gave me scrip for casodex...i filled it at rx in lobby ..took one....walked outside w my wife....And said : your either with me through this or your not..and i remember her words.....you treat me like a queen...and a queen ALWAYS takes care of her king.....i just dont think she knew what was involved...so there is some denial...and i forgive her for that....sorry to ramble but this had been on my mind...kevin
Ps. Not evryone us lucky to have the " hammer " as their sig. Other.....
Your wife sounds like a narcissist. I would highly suggest you get into a face-to-face support group or go to counseling for yourself with or without her.
I joined this group a while back when hubs was first diagnosed because I wanted to learn everything about PC so that I could support him. He doesn't really do the interweb stuff. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad. Your wife doesn't need to do all that but her lack of support is not cool. Cancer is scary as hell.
Meantime we are all here virtually to listen to you. Sending you all the good vibes hun.
I would suggest you feed her plenty of food and chocolates and teach her how to sing....
Then one day you tell her to sing for you and then you state "Honey Bunny, it's over cause the fat lady sang".....Drop her as fast as you can say "Bye".....
You are not alone at all. My marriage was pretty much dysfunctional before I was dx'd. We've been dysfunctional for a long time. It's not all her fault. I'm not perfect and I accept part of blame for our situation. Of course, I feel that she's more to blame and my actions are in reactions to her actions. Don't know if that's really the case. To be honest I think we're just incompatible. We tried counseling briefly which was of no help at all. When I was dx'd I had thoughts that maybe it would bring us closer. Didn't happen. Now we have a bad marriage with cancer thrown in for fun.
It's not that my wife doesn't care. She does. But her support isn't the emotional support I need. She has more a detached clinical perspective of my situation. She's always keen to learn of my clinical situation and prognosis and offers support that way. I don't need that. I have a medical team that I trust for that support. I need her to be an affectionate loving wife, same need that I've had our entire marriage. She couldn't do that before my dx and she can't do it now. Now I feel trapped. I would like to leave the marriage but it's really scary to think of going through all this alone. Really don't know what to do.
Thank you for broaching this topic. I've wanted to bring it up before but was unsure how it would be received given all the stories of really supportive loving spouses/partners. As sad as it is it's comforting to know I'm not alone.
Thanks so much for sharing, it sounds like your situation/experience and mine share many parallels. As much as moving on can be scary, it doesn’t bother me, I have no problem being alone, I already kinda feel like that way already, living separately in different parts of the house etc. I kind of feel like going through this with someone so cold and uncaring is worse than going through it alone. For me the financial side is the scary bit, figuring out how to afford a place of my own large enough for the kids to stay over and still pay the mortgage on their house. Like I said it’s very expensive here.
I also just want to say, this thread is in no way a trashfest of partners.
I think it’s really important to recognize all those who have supportive SO’s, how lucky you are and don’t take their love and support for granted, remember, this disease is tearing their world apart almost as much as ours and it takes a really strong, loving partner to be their through all this with you. You are extremely fortunate.
Thanks dtl64 for your candor and comments. My path is a bit different from the others in this group. My PSA has hovered between 8-10.0 for the past 5 years and 3 negative prostate biopsies and multiple other MRI images and Select MDx tests from UCSF have suggested cancer but never confirmed. My original urologist told me he believes I have prostate cancer but cannot yet prove it. I go about my day okay, get my PSA tested every 6 months but cannot escape the fear that one day prostate cancer will be confirmed. My wife is wonderfully supportive and loving and I could not feel luckier nor more grateful for our relationship of 35 years. But during one of our discussions about my fears and concerns with getting the diagnosis, she concluded I wanted to have prostate cancer. Her comment stunned me and I immediately thought I should stop revealing my worries with her. That she has had enough of this subject. Other than that episode, she has been incredibly supportive and loving but I do try to balance my worries with some discretion. Wishing you all the best.
sorry to hear of your lack of support on the home front. it has been said that there is no lonelier place than a bad marriage and i believe that. when communication becomes dysfunctional and resentment builds it is hard for some to set aside differences even when the stakes become so high (as it is with all those on this board). somehow, by not even acknowledging the issue, the party gains strength by demeaning the other. she is withholding the support you seek, that is sad and wrong, but frankly probably not uncommon in dead marriages.... all of this, of course, is not healthy. i can only say that the best thing for you to do is stop expecting sympathy from your wife. or, any special accommodations that others would reasonably give. waiting for something you will likely not receive adds unnecessary stress to your situation. take care of yourself, stand up for yourself, rely on yourself (and this board, and friendships etc). you will get through this. and, it may serve as a some clarity as to how you choose to approach the rest of your life. we all deserve to be happy and maybe you can no longer do that for each other, sadly. i am not a psychologist, of course, but have been unhappy once myself.
best of luck! CDG
"Staying together for the kids" may seem a worthy idea at the time but, with hindsight, seldom is.
Ask my now 47 and 43 year old sons. They found that time very disturbing and unsettling, and are now free to express their views of the relationship when they were growing up - they didn't enjoy it.
Ask my now long ex wife. We get on a lot better now and talk more civilly than we did when we were "staying together for the kids". And she was supportive during my cancer treatment as was I when she had breast cancer, both many years after we finally split.
And we both had new partners to support us during our bad times.
So I recognise that circumstances are very different in your case and mine, but house prices are unlikely to go down much, if at all, so your future housing predicament won't change. And what will the reason for staying together be when the kids leave home?
Apologies, I'm a bit late to the party here. I read the rest of the replies and wanted to offer one other perspective. I was 2 years post-divorce when I got my "good news." As such, I have gone through the whole testing, denial, DRE, denial, biopsy, denial, MRI, reluctant acceptance, biopsy, acceptance, research like my life depended on it, selected a treatment (SBRT), selected a provider (Meier at Swedish in SEA), had the treatment (last September), and first post-Tx follow-up & PSA (was 8.1, down to 3.7) at 90 days - all by myself.
Sure, it would have been nicer to have a partner but it was not difficult to go it solo either. I like what ChrisNYC said - "there is no lonelier place than a bad marriage." Going it alone, if that is what you do, is better than that.
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