Ive been feeling a bit vulnerable recently likely to be related to losing my friend to OC a few weeks ago and also seeing other close friends situation with this cancer worsen.
We are all on a family holiday in Mexico and it is amazing just spending time together but still have felt that overwhelming feeling of fear of what the future holds. I woke up this morning to this gorgeous face. It's my grandson Cooper. Who would have thought that two years ago I would see a grandchild. This bundle came along in the middle of the madness and what a blessing he is especially as my daughter has the BRCA gene and is planning a hysterectomy in the next couple of years. I guess starting my own family early whilst managing my career did have its advantages even though crazy at the time
A few times this week I've felt really emotional thinking about what lies ahead for us all. From here on in I am going to try so hard not to be dwelling on what I could lose and instead going to be thankful for the blessings in my life and the great life I've had and still have even living with stage 4 cancer ! So I'm going to enjoy every day that I have. It's all part of Gods plan and I'm best to give it all up to him and just enjoy my life and precious time I have no matter how long that may be. Hopefully at least 20 years 😃 Love and healing prayers to you all.
J xo
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Julie40
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Despite everything you've been through and going through you continue to show your strength and positivity. Enjoy Mexico with your family and continue to make lots of lovely memories with them. Live life to the full with lots of love and laughter.
What a lovely little lad, enjoy him and also enjoy the fun you are having on this holiday. Yes things can be bad but we have to keep on keeping on, However it is okay too to get fed up but dont be hard on yourself, There are some great people here on this site who have been through a lot but the ingredient is to be able to smile and laugh and appreciate the good times
Thank you he is just so cute and has me wrapped around his finger. We had a lovely holiday with him. Getting to see him every day was very special.
This site keeps me sane and there is a lot of positve and funny people that can still have a laugh despite what we are all going through and support each other x
What a cute little boy! He's gorgeous. Those of us who have Grandchildren are so fortunate to have them to love and be loved by. I'm sorry you're having a bit of an emotional time. I think sometimes, when we have happy times, it makes the facing the unknown future a bit harder because we want life to continue and not leave our loved ones. Thankfully, I usually find the feeling wears off and I feel stronger again to just enjoy life and try and forget the cancer. Well, put it to the back of my mind - although it's always lurking there.
Have a happy holiday but don't get too tired. I envy you your faith in God and the comfort it gives you.
We are so fortunate, the love we have for them is so special Solange. My faith has helped me manage the fear. They told me I had weeks to live and this just panicked me, thankfully I had lots of prayer and went to prayer healers and it gave me comfort initially then my faith deepened. It was the fear that overwhelmed me at the start of this journey. I was too frightened to close my eyes as I was so worried that I would not wake up.
It does still lurk in the background but we all have our happy times that thankfully keep us sane. Lots of love xo
How cute . You are right we should count our blessings . My son will be 3 in few months and I Thank God every day for him and hope he will help me to survive this awful disease. God bless us all . Xoxo
He is a blessing and will give you the strength and courage to do everthing you can to be there for him and see him grow into a man. Pray every day for complete healing and blessings for you son xo
Thank you Debs, I hope you are keeping well. I love summer and bright nights but I could not stay in the house when it is like this. I have been suffering from fatigue of late and I am using the dark days and nights as an excuse to sit on the sofa with a snug blanket watching rubbish tv and having a treat without the usual feelings of guilt or that I was wasting precious time. We are getting at least 20 lol xo
You really struck a cord with me. I have been thinking recently about whether it would be possible or even desirable to let go of my fear. Your post has given me another way of perhaps achieving that.
Day at a time Julie! Know it's hard but that's the way it has to be, somehow, now I enjoy all the things I previously took for granted, wind blowing in my hair, the smell of the sea etc etc and of course grand childrens sweet little innocent faces.
Thank you Julie for your lovely post and absolutely what I needed to read! I've been feeling just the same as you recently - have just had my 56th birthday so was treated to the theatre and overnight stay in London by my daughter and hubby. Was touch and go whether I'd make it as my chemo had been delayed due to low bloods so was only a week post treatment.
I'd got myself into this whirl of will I see 57 and how hateful and cruel this disease is - just felt very sorry for myself which is so unlike me! But now after reading your post and others from ladies here - at least I got there and SOD THIS DISEASE! !!
The future is an unknown entity for us all but today the sun is shining so I'm slapping the big girl pants on and seizing the day! ! Love to everyone 💖💕🌝🌝🌝
Sod it is right. Who would have thought getting older would be so wonderful. I cannot wait to be 57 and I bet you can't wait to be 67. Big girl pants get dragged on every day, they are much better than the skimpys. We need big gurdles for this journey xo
Hello,
What a beautiful little boy!
It is totally natural to feel the way you do, especially loosing your friend. It would be really odd if this had not made it harder to push darker thoughts away. You are doing amazingly well keeping your positive thoughts front of mind for the majority of the time. What more can you ask of yourself.
I have a beautiful 11 year old called Milo and I so want to be there for him growing up, if I allow myself to think about it too much in anything other than practical terms I think I would combust!
Mostly I focus in the moment, I want to be a mama he remembers being happy and joyous. I know I don't always feel the way I project to him but I know they are the memories I want him to have of our life together and his childhood. The memories I want him to have of us I keep (like little polaroids in my head) they anchor me to the moment and I know I use that a lot to push darker pictures away.
Enjoy your family, Mexico and your beautiful Grandson he is a total smasher. Create a little library of photos in your mind of your holiday and pull those pictures into view when you need to replace worry about the future.
Lisa you have just made me cry, this is a lovely message. Children really affect me, I only have to think about how much they need us and that is me off ! You are right though we need to make those memories for them and no matter what the future holds he will treasure them. My friend who passed away last year lost 2 years of her life to hurt and anger because she just could not accept that she had cancer. She struggled to live and she had two very young children. She cried a lot of the time and could not enjoy her life. It was so sad at the time but when I look back on it she was so bitter and anger that it took over her daily life. It made me even more determined to live my life and enjoy my family. I like you want to have joyous times that we can all remember for the rest of our lives and wishing that to be at least 30 years for us all lol
Enjoy every day with your beautiful son Milo. My son is almost 19 and is still a mummys boy and proud of it. Hugs xo
Hi Julie, your children look gorgeous! Glad to hear you still have a mummy's boy at 19, Milo's love definitely keeps me going and hopefully he will continue to be as loving through the dreaded teen years!
I was reading your other post about your bag pack, some people are clueless hey! I definitely have found that people's reactions have on the odd occasion stopped me from doing something or made me think twice about going out. Most of the time I don't care but if I'm having an odd down day it does have an impact.
My hair is just falling out hopefully for the last time after my final chemo, I'm looking forward to having hair again. I have to say it's no where near as lovely as yours which looks amazing!
I read your post a few times as it touched me so much. Your lovely little grandson seems to know your thoughts. I am so sorry about your friend and that is bound to make you sad. The main message of your post is your positivity and determination . I always love your posts for that. They certainly inspire me.
Many years ago i had a lovely 2weeks in Mexico City and Acapulco. That's when I was young and carefree with a job that allowed me to travel around the world . You brought those days back to me and a good feeling fir the days ahead. Enjoy the rest of your holiday. Take care
Young and carefree ! It seems so long ago, funny how life can just change in an instant. I remember being so impatient when I was feeling unwell thinking it was IBS and trying to balance family and work feeling so under pressure with the pain.
I love when little things remind us of the past and lovely memories come back. I take loads of photos for that reason. Mexico is a great place and we now have great memories of two trips there.
I hope you are keeping well. I noticed you were at an Ovacome meeting. Would you keep me posted on the next one as Dublin is only a couple of hours away for me and would gladly run down the road to meet you and some of the ladies on here. Take care xo
So good to hear from you. I have been hiding inside a dark cloud for quite a while so I haven't posted. I still read the posts every day and take my inspiration from them. Your story really touched me. Just over the past few days the clouds started to lift and the sun is trying to get through . I read all those lovely replies to you this evening and I'm so glad to see your positive attitude which truly lifted me.
I think the next Dublin meeting is in the New Year and Sharon was looking for dates which suited people. I forgot to reply until you reminded me . I guess my scan results will determine if I can go or not , and I will get those early new year. I will definitely go all being well. Take care Julie.
Hi Julie - thank you so much for reminding us all to 'count our blessings' - so important to do. Our lives have both pleasant and painful things in them - so easy to forget the wonderful things in life too. Cooper's a beautiful reminder of the beauty in life - thank you so much. Much love to you xxx Sundra
aww what a beautifull little grandson you have,yes as you say we shud enjoy what we do and have,and be blessed were still here,ive had stage 3c surgery and chemo,but bloods are beggining to rise after 18 months since diagnosis,i have a lovely grandson who just started at high school last september,when i had no hair he used to make me smile,as he said he's the only one who has a bauld head nana,and dont have to wear wig as i love you as you are. makes everyday easier with the love of our loved ones,my son suddenly passed with epilepsy at 23years five years ago,he was very well in life apart from his occasional seizures,i feel at just turned 50 this year,this is a worry and life,time is precious, have a lovely holiday and we can all hopefully have many more years ahead with our family and friends xxxxx and smile everyday!! xxx
Hi Tracy, just had to reply to your post it really touched me. We also lost our son nearly 3 years ago aged 31 years through epilepsy. He developed it at 28 and it was such a shock when we lost him. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone . Bad enough having this awful disease without these other things happening. But Julie is right we must count our blessings and be thankful for the good times in life . Take care XX
Tracey and Chris I cannot begin to imagine what it is like to lose a child. This disease we can all deal with but your pain is on a whole different level. Hugs to you both, you have just both made me count my blessings and be so thankful for the good things in my life xo
got your hug thankyou,had my scan on 8th nov after bloods rising gradual.saw my doctor on 15th who said the cancer has returned within the lining of my liver and some near bowel.to be honest i cudnt take it in,its all very small,so going for kidney test tomo,to begin chemo on 30th,they planned to do another 6 cycles over 18 weeks. So im keeping my fingers crossed it works. yes i miss my boy everyday,and have two other children and three beautifull dogs,so need to get threw this! its a pain this cancer urrh!
Thank you for your uplifting post, your philosophy and message is one of positivity at the same time being realistic about how difficult the journey is. Actually what an understatement that is, at times I struggle to count my blessings and find it difficult to live in the moment . HOW could, t that little fellow not bring lots of happiness I bet he is mischievous at times, hope the holiday is going well
He is a wee gem, he brightens up my days and melts my heart. He is into everything though, keeps us all entertained. It is difficult to live in the now but we have to or we steal our own happiness. I have to remind myself of this most days lol x
What a lovely grandson! Enjoy your family holiday in Mexico. It's hard not to feel vulnerable at times but so important to concentrate on the good things.
My very best wishes and thank you for such a thoughtful post.
Hi Julie, I feel exactly the same, I was feeling very down yesterday thinking about the future and thinking I just want to live another fifteen years or even better twenty. I want to see my grandchildren grow up. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts and your little grandson he is gorgeous. You are right about living for the day, that is what I am trying to do,. That's all we can do and thank our blessings, Sending you big hugs. Love Julie xxx
Sorry for not replying to your email before now.I was just saying to my hubby about an hour ago that I couldn't understand why I have had no emails on my phone.Then he showed me what to do and I have now got 41 xx
Thanks for your uplifting post and so glad you are able to enjoy family time together in Mexico. What a beautiful little boy! I found being away on my recent holiday in Corfu helped me feel much freer of the fear than I have for a long time .... Just focused on being in a beautiful place with my loved ones and appreciating all the little things so much more than I used to. Hoping to carry that feeling on now I'm back home - maybe not so easy but I'm going to try!
Thank you Madeline, I hope you are still feeling free of the fear. I am sorry I am only replying now but I did not even see these posts. I am logged on through the computer and happened to click in and now I am only responding.
Maybe it was because I was in Mexico and logging on through my phone xo
Julie your post resonated with me. Fellow 4, thinking about stuff in the future.... I have recently battled with the time left scenario and came away thinking I would make every day count as none of us can say what will be.
Your grandson looks like a real character and full of life. I hope you carry on enjoying your time in Mexico, and then back home. All the best to you my dear!
Netti the time left scenario would drive you crazy, I found myself wishing and praying that I would have months to get to see specific things that were happening now I pray that I can have complete healing. Lots of positive stage 4 stories that we can cling to xo
Losing someone is so sad in any circumstance,my best wishes to you.
You have so much to live for and you are right,live for the day and what a gorgeous grandson to help you!
I too have a beautiful grandson,aged 2,with another grandchild on the way next May.This time of year can be depressing,but think about the lovely cosy days and Christmas to come.
You are doing the best thing with a family holiday, I did that in June.Just come back from Dublin and am going to Lanzerote next month before my routine scan.
None of us knows what the future holds and that includes people without OC,so, in any case just enjoy life and try not to worry about tomorow,make plans and look forward, not back,
They are a blessing Carole, I just cant get enough of him and the good thing to come out of this cancer is him. My daughter also has the brca gene so her plans for a family were brought forward. They are hoping to have another baby soon. I help out during the week looking after him and I would never have been able to do this as I was always working long hours and travelling, another blessing to come out of this cancer. Trying to be positive lol
Love the planning and looking forward, we must enjoy life lot of love xo
A gorgeous little boy that must be a great inspiration to you to keep positive. You are so right in everything you say. I feel so much better on my up days than my fearful days. As we all know those days can flip instantly. Have a great holiday and many more over the next 20 years xx
We were fearfully and wonderfully made, it is hard to remember this all the time but you are right we are better on the days that we think like this. Lots more holidays for us all xo
Hi Julie no wonder you are feeling the way you are, trying to grieve for your friend and trying to enjoy the family holiday. Your wise words and coping strategies help me so much, I was told if you change the way you think it will change the way you feel you seem to manage that. I am still hoping to bump into you one of these days at the Profs. clinic I start 4th round chemo on the 10th Oct. Enjoy the rest of your holiday beautiful grandson, you should enter glamorous grandma contest. Love Bridie xx
I would love to see you Bridie. You will likely hear my voice before you see me ! am over again on the 30th Nov then the 22nd & 28th Dec if you are around on any of those dates we could get a cuppa. I am a young grandma, the joys of being a young mum and after being diagnosed with this cancer I am so blessed that I was. There are not many women at 43 I am sure that get to meet their grandchildren xo
I was on a course recently and there was a minister in the group, he was talking about the significance of the present and it being a gift. Ku Fu Panda rocks ! Have you watched the file Inside Out yet ? I have it recorded, my friend who also has cancer and is a male said it is very though provoking and a tear jerker ! x
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