Should I give reassurance and explanations?

[apriljupitermoon]

Hi, i am at the start of this journey of trying to support my 9 yr old daughter who has OCD. One of the things I find SO difficult is the reassurance question. eg, tonight she became obsessed with the position of her painting box which I needed tidying away as it was all over the kitchen floor. Even though she understood the logic of me needing a tidy kitchen sh would not let it go! She was distressed and angry at me so I began to justify, explain etc and then she got upset, crying that we were arguing... I then start reassuring her that I love her etc which is her compulsion to seek comfort... but I am her mum.. of course she needs comfort from me!!. This then continued for an hour by which time she was late to bed, which of course exacerbates the OCD! It feels like a vicious cycle. HELP xx How do i handle these situations? THANK YOU

[LiveOutLove_22]

Hello, I know that OCD can be so challenging between a mother and her child. Me and my mother have gone through our fair share of arguments with OCD. My main fear with OCD is contamination. So anytime I would feel sick or be afraid if I touch this or that or if I don't sanitize this or that will I get sick. The reasurance of my mom was the only thing I wanted it. I started to seek professional help with a therapist that specializes in OCD primarily dealing with ERP Treatment which is the goal standard treatment along with medication for treating OCD. I will say just in four months it has helped me tremendously. My mom and I also went to therapy together and came up with a plan for reassurance. Obviously, my OCD is centered on contamination. So, my therapist would say for instance is your mom a doctor or medical professional if not then her telling you and saying you're going to be ok doesn't make sense. And I'll I was doing was bringing my mom into my cycle. So now if I ask for reassurance my mom is suppose to say I don't know or if I want to know call my doctor. We worked on information seeking vs. Reassurance. Information is wanting to know actual informative facts which is perfectly normal to do, but reassurace is based on compulsions that are fueled by OCD. So now I have gotten better about not seeking reassurance as much. Of course moms want to protect your children. But the truth is this a journey that we have to learn how to face in life like many life challlenges. We have to be ok with the fear of the uknown, which is something that OCD people hate but the truth is that is life. None of us of know the steps of this process or how we will be the next day. But we can choose how we react to it, which is something I'm still currently working on. Anyways I know this is hard and challenging but hang in there. The good news is there is so much help now a days online and in person. And I don't know if your daughter in going to therapy but I would ask her doctor about a therapist. Finding the right therapist really does help with the tools you need to fight back against OCD. I wish you and your daughter the best, I know this is long but I hope it helps. Take care.

[apriljupitermoon in reply to LiveOutLove_22]

Thank you so much for your response. I'm glad your therapy is working for you. She does have contamination as one of her themes but unfortunately her biggest theme is relationship OCD focused on me, so what she needs is reassurance that I love her and she doubts my feelings, ...it's the saddest thing because she is my absolute world but cannot believe it! She finds evidence in all the tiny things I do wrong as proof that I don't care about her enough.

[LiveOutLove_22 in reply to apriljupitermoon]

Aww that’s hard as a mom you love your child or children more than anything in the world. That is the one thing about this disorder is that it constantly plays tricks on your mind and try’s to tell you the opposite of what you believe. Just know that she does love you but you could give her all the comfort and reassurance in the world but her OCD will still say it’s not enough. I constantly feel like I should and could be doing more or better in my therapy. When my therapists says look how far you’ve come I say not really that’s OCD trying to downplay everything. With this disorder you have to take a small victory where you can. I can imagine nights where I’m sure you replay everything in your head. My mother had many nights crying over me and not knowing what to do to help me or for me. Just know that it will get better eventually and you seem like such a kind caring mom who wants the best for your daughter. I think you’re doing a great job. I try to picture me being in my moms position and how heartbreaking that can be.

[deValentin]

You know that your daughter has OCD, you know your need for a reasonably tidy kitchen, you know that when a crisis goes past bedtime things deteriorate, you know it's a vicious cycle, you know that if you react the same way next time, you'll get the same results. It seems that you weren't satisfied with the results of last time, otherwise you wouldn't have posted that message. So, how could you react differently to your daughter's "OCD outbursts"?

You need to prepare in advance for this type of situation. It's easy to be lucid ahead of time; it's harder in the middle of a crisis.

When we're faced with challenging circumstances and we start to react in a way we may regret later, it's easy to believe that this time will be different from the other times, but it never is. Emotions of the moment can disturb our judgment. Hence, the importance to decide ahead of time the best way to react to a similar situation, and stick to one's decision within reason. To help you decide you may ask how a judicious spectator would handle a similar situation, or ask your daughter's therapist. In my opinion, it's best to explain basic house rules to your daughter, be flexible but not too much, offer her some comfort but not excessively. It's important to do one's best to des-escalate a disagreement before it gets out of hand.

If your daughter doesn't feed her OCD and you don't feed it by providing too much reassurance, her mind will self-regulate in the end. It takes time and efforts though. OCD peaks ressemble manic episodes to some extent. When calm returns, common sense also returns.

[apriljupitermoon in reply to deValentin]

Thank you so much. This is really helpful and practical 🙏

[ShameekaIocdf Moderator IOCDF Staff]

I am sorry your going through this experience with your daughter . Here is a link I think maybe helpful to you . kidshealth.org/en/parents/o...

[apriljupitermoon in reply to ShameekaIocdf]

Thank you, very kind of you to share

[ShameekaIocdf Moderator IOCDF Staff in reply to apriljupitermoon]

you are very welcome !!

[Sallyskins]

Is she getting treatment for the OCD? Medication is often considered inappropriate for children, but it can be prescribed in some cases of OCD. I get that CBT and ERP could be difficult for children to understand and process, but can be effective.

I think, on the whole, it would be best to act normally with your daughter's wish for reassurance that you love her and support her. Don't do it constantly, but do it at appropriate times, such as when you put her to bed - a kiss and 'I love you' is normal. And of course a cuddle when she's upset. But don't give in to constant demands for reassurance.

Although children might have some difficulty in taking the principles of CBT on board, it can help. As a child of 10 or 11 I lumbered myself with an elaborate counting ritual, which involved tapping lots of different parts of my body while I counted. I didn't know then that it was OCD, which I hadn't heard of - but I felt I had to do it, and it was such a chore! I kept it secret and gradually started to whittle away the rituals so they wouldn't be so onerous. I can still remember the moment when I dispensed with them altogether aged 12, while on holiday in France - I felt so free!

I didn't know that it was OCD, and I didn't know that I was using do-it-yourself CBT and ERP techniques. But it was being fed up with the ritual that made me work it out for myself.

Set boundaries for your daughter, but don't be overstrict. If she wants reassurance, only give it when you feel it to be appropriate, as you would if she didn't have OCD. If she tries to demand it, explain why you won't give it and that it won't help her.

Children need lots of love - that's not to be questioned - perhaps explain that you love her anyway, whether you reassure her or not. Maintaining normality as far as her OCD lets you is important.

There are a number of self help books aimed at children, that explain OCD and the CBT techniques they can use to fight it. Try googling - I know that the excellent The OCD Workbook do a kid's version.

[FirstResponder23]

hello,

I’m sorry to hear how tough this is for you. I too have had experiences with this with my parents. I’ve battled with ocd since I was very young, but it became tough when I was 18. My parents learned that when I go through my tough times and I seek reassurance that they have to be firm with me and say “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way right now. What are the steps you need to do to combat your ocd?” And I’ll admit, it’s tough to hear and tough to deal with. But the more we do that hard work with ocd, the weaker it becomes. A little bit of reassurance turns into more and more needed. So while it’s tough to not give reassurance (or in my case seek it) it helps chip away at the ocd.

One thing I believe really helped guide my parents was they sat down with me for part of a session with my therapist and we discussed together how I should not seek reassurance from them, and if I do, what they should say. It helped me to see they were not being cold or dismissive, but in fact doing what my therapist instructed them. Knowing that it’s what they were instructed to do helped me. I hope your child finds some peace soon and you as well. It will come, you just have to do the hard work first.