Am I wrong?!

[Dstar]

Help! How does someone get out of a marriage where the other person thinks you are always in the wrong? For example tonight I was putting kids to bed he walked in and switched all lights and tv on. I then called him selfish as he didn’t wait for me to eat when the take away came. He said I was kicking off at him. Not sure how I was in the wrong when all I did was get annoyed that he woke the kids up when I’d tried so hard to put them to bed and also ate without me. He said it’s all my fault and that I got angry but I didn’t.

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In my household we have no children and the attitude between to two of us was similar, although now it is all down to give and take and we try to accept and sort out the problems between us. Arguments like this now are really rare and now we are understanding is something like this can be caused by an unrelated problem say at work etc. So is there something that has upset Him elswhere ??

It He is just been unreasonable you need to talk out any problems you do have between eachother.

Relationships break down too easily these days and the main thing that keeps a relationship fresh is talking in a soft understanding voice. Considering the partners point of view

Yes we do have arguements, however now we understand eachother and generally we always look for leeway and sometimes we agree to disagree.

Of course if things are really bad you can both go to Marriage Guidance and sort it out together, that is what marriage is about.

BOB

[hypercat54]

Tell him to put the kids to bed himself and eat your own takeaway? Not trying to be flippant but it's clear he is leaving you to take care of your children and not doing anything like this. He needs experience to what it is like to be in your shoes. If he does this again try saying you have woken the children up and leave him to deal with it. He won't do it again.

If he is always blaming you for his own problems I presume you have tried to discuss it calmly with him? If you think the relationship is worth saving try everything you can first. Eg would he be willing to go to couple counselling with you?

If you have exhausted all options then you have some major decisions to make.

[Bkin]

This must be very difficult when you have young children. You may have tried this already, but I would speak plainly with your husband. To devalue you persistently is very destructive of your relationship and this really needs to change if you are both going to stay together to weather the storm even for the children's sake. And that its important the children are not exposed to the hostility and devaluing your husband is communicating to you.

i'm no marriage guidance counsellor but if it was me in your position....

Ask him outright (but be prepared for a negative) does he still love you? (perhaps think about that one before you pose the question to him incase he comes back with a negative)

If he does he should be respectful toward you. (that includes not disruptive to the children's routine, ie when you are putting them to bed etc)

Does he still want to stay, because he wants to preserve the relationship or just for the sake of the children?

Either way does he understand that he needs to show respect to you at all times for things to work either way.

Ask yourself do you still love him, do you want to stay with him for the sake of the children.

Consider if he or you want to live separately discuss this (he will have to continue paying maintenance of course for you and the children - you may have to seek legal advice about this, citizens advice bureau etc. marriage guidance counselling, both parties would have to agree to the latter,

Consider the impact on the children if you were to separate and to help them through it both of you must be civil and respect each other. Communicate this to your husband.

Even when a relationship is broken that does not give anyone the right to disrespect the other and cause unnecessary upset for the mother / children . A person that does this is not a very nice person to be with for sure, but hopefully he will realise the consequences of his bad behaviour.

Think about what you want and communicate plainly.

When he says its all your fault - that is his opinion and its not a very nice one so if he is really serious about trying to improve things in the relationship he needs to meet you half way so that you can both achieve that and putting you down is only going to achieve destruction, upset and conflict, which is not good for you or the children.

I can appreciate this must be so difficult for you, but I hope whatever the outcome it will be the best way forward for all concerned.

Very best wishes I sincerely hope things work out for the very best.

Take good care.

BK (apologies for lengthy reply, I didn't realise what I was writing would be so long)