I Am Finding My Own Peace - Coming Out The Closet.

[Lullee]

Hi, I'm Lullee

Hope today finds you all good.

This is my 1st time on forums I have lived my whole life In 'A Closet'

A long time I'm approaching 50 years of age.

Since very early childhood I have suffered with mental health issues PTSD, ADD, OCD, PSYCHOTIC EPISODES, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, SELF LOATHING, PHOBIAS & the rest (also physical health issues)

Being a victim of physical, mental & sexual abuse as a very small child then it being swept under a carpet & forbidden to speak of it ever (In my heritage in 70s this is what they did) & being taken & raised by family trying to give you lots of love hoping that you will forget or your abusers telling you that you will be taken away & locked up & get worse if you ever speak!

As a small child having people talking to you, the whispering, the touching you, scaring you but nobody else sees them? "The man last night was sitting in the chair talking to me" etc. Spiders, snakes, suffocation, being locked in rooms, the voices etc.

"Oh you must never tell anybody, they'll lock you up in the madhouse or prison, they'll think you're a witch, they won't understand" (In Spanish)

So that's what I did for over 40 years, apart from psychiatrists/CPNs because I knew they wouldn't tell anybody.

I suffered in silence never letting anybody know, never being able to keep any form of relationships because as I use to say the devil rides with me & I was afraid to sleep, the dark, people (I would see them differently) places etc. It's as real as it gets. Attempting to take my life numerous times (this is not the answer) worrying that my 2 daughters, my 4 grandchildren will be like me, not wanting to frighten them ever. Not wanting them to dislike me. My lonely secret life of fear, shame.

This year is different, I told my daughters everything about me, the abuse but they've always known about my mental health they said but because I love them more than life & given them so much love & care (something I never had) they said they got use to my episodes, how I am, who I am, my antics & it makes no difference to them because I have been the most loving caring supportive mum always.

I'm currently on 500mg Quetiapine, 60mg Citalopram & others.

I'm a good person, intelligent, high IQ, though if people found/find out it frightens them an optimologist was petrified of me when he found out & about my antipsychotics etc. Just sheer ignorance & judgemental I'm not Dexter the serial killer!

Many people are suffering, so many young people.

We live in an era that you can speak (unlike my era) SPEAK IT!!!

Don't live the lonely personal life I have lived.

SPEAK IT!

SHARE IT!

You are not alone!

There are many of us who have suffered over 40 years with experiences & knowledge, advice, help mechanisms.

After so long I'm finding my peace with who I am, what happens to me, what happened to me.

I am liberating myself & removing the shackles that have bound/gagged me.

Be yourself

Yourself to me

If you can't be yourself

Who else can you be.

Love yourselves.

Lullee x

[AmyKart]

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear your story, but you are so strong for "coming out." Good luck to you in the future.

[Lullee in reply to AmyKart]

Hi AmyKart,

Hope today finds you well.

Thank you for your kind words🙂

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger👍🏼

Every day is every day to me & if I can provide comfort, support & some words of wisdom to people I'm good with that. You go through it to grow through it.

[Eian59]

Hi lullee

I am glad you found the strength to fight back, it must be a great relief to you now getting it off your chest and being able to tell your family. I hope you have a better life now you have "came out" as you say. You deserve it after all you have been through. This site is good for support and even just chatting or if you want to vent about things that annoy you .

It is also a site where we can get advice and share our experiences that might help someone else who is going through the same thing.

I wish you well for the future and I am glad you are free at last from keeping it all inside for all those years.

Regards

Eian

[Lullee in reply to Eian59]

Hi Eian59,

Sending much thanks.

Yes, I feel spiritually free & I hope I can help/support others👍🏼

On top of all I suffer with I have the next 6 months (older I get more months get added) of dealing with my bronchial asthma, infections & alot of coughing & wheezing. I was born with bronchial pneumonia & have had it so many times so I'm accustomed to my preparation for these months.

Sending you peace😕

[Hidden]

You have proven how strong you are. You have raised loving and supportive daughters. Be very proud of yourself.