My Value Is Zero

[MsTree]

Trigger Warning My sweet grandson who happens to be non-verbal autistic has been in my care since he was born 6 1/2 years ago has been kidnapped by his mentally ill and drug-addicted father. They've been gone 6 days. There is a B.O.L.O. out for him. My husband of 42 years has been having an affair and fallen in love with her. He chose to stay with me but I don't want him now. I had no value to him or he wouldn't have done this to me. My son blames me for my grandson's autism. He says I caused him to be autistic. I know he's wrong but his words cut me like a knife. I have been the only person left that has remained hopeful for my son. He has threatened my life before. My mother died a few months ago. My best friend was killed by a drunk driver on her way to pick me up for a night out. I feel she is dead because she was trying to do something nice for me. Today a friend came by to check on me and her son drove up behind her. He proceeded to curse me and call me horrible things. He was on drugs obviously. I had the police come and he was arrested. I trust in my Lord and Savior. I know he doesn't mean for me to feel worthless. But I feel my value in life is nothing. I would never commit suicide, but I am ready to go on and meet the Lord. This world has been too hard and I find no joy in life anymore. I try to. I really do. But I feel defeated despite my efforts to make a difference in the world. I am nothing.

[Hidden]

MsTree,

I am incredibly saddened by your story. For what you're surrounded by in terms of negative output, for your grandson's kidnapping (I hope they find him quickly and safely), and all of the coincidences in your life that you are putting at your own feet to own. First, there is literally no science that would chalk up autism to your own personal doings. Maybe there's something genetic in there, but that is not your fault. The most important thing isn't blaming autism on someone, it's loving this friggin' child and getting him back into safe hands. Nuts to your son's thoughts and shame on him for accusing you of such a thing.

As for your husband, I am deeply sorry that he has ruined all those years in trade for treason of your marriage. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but it's sad that whatever woes or issues he had, this is how he chose to deal and manage with them. You need to write him off and away. His treatment of your value is not and will never be a true statement of your value. I can only try to understand how much this has hurt you, but please try to understand that you DO have value even if he's neglected to make you feel any.

As for the so many coincidences in life....I am sorry that you've had so much hurt and pain. You are not the reasons for car accidents. It is a coincidence and it is not your fault. The same goes for the friend checking on you, showing you that you have value enough to look in on you...only to have that ruined by her drug afflicted son. I hope you took no stock in anything he said. He was on drugs...so he's the last person in the world to take any personal stock or opinion from in terms of your value.

You have been hurt, blamed, and mentally/emotionally broken by awful people, circumstances, and situations. I hope you can see that from the outside. None of these things add up to zero value. To me, in my opinion, you have received zero appreciation from people with zero value. Please do not look at the end of your life as a solution. You have value and you will find it. If you truly feel like you need help, please call a hotline. You need to hear kind and good words of reassurance that you do have value. If you're able, perhaps with some counseling sessions, you can work on this and finding joy in life, friends, and everything this world has to offer. Enjoy this opportunity to live. Be there for when your grandson is returned. It sounds like he needs you with all this negativity in your life. A counselor can teach you how to cope with it and manage all of this. It is absolutely understandable to see why you feel tired, defeated, and so on. But I promise you that with some help, you can begin to rebuild and find happiness. I'm sending all the prayers, thoughts, positive thoughts, vibes, and everything I can muster to you. Please reconsider and seek out the light in these dark times. You sound like a good person who has just dealt with a tough deck of cards. Reshuffle, redefine, and I promise...good things will happen and come. Please take care, be well, be kind to yourself, and do not listen to one word from the people you mentioned as negative thought influences. You can no longer say you have no value because I am telling you, with absolute sureness, that you indeed do have value. Please keep us updated.

[MsTree in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your encouraging words. I am a deep feeling person with a heart full of love. Just love. I want my shine back, my zest for life that used to be there. I'm packing my things as I am finally leaving my husband after 42 years. I'm trying hard to be strong through all this.

[Hidden in reply to MsTree]

Absolutely and I am happy that you are beginning to look to get your shine back. It will come Did they find your grandson? Continue being as strong as you can and seek help when or if you need it from those who trust and value you. I understand how it feels to be a deep feeling person, having your heart on the sleeves. When people trample on your feelings, thoughts, or even love, it doesn't help anything in life. I can tell you that support, empathy, sympathy, and all that we can send are always here. MAS_Nurse has all the resources provided below if you need help sooner or more than just verbal support. I am wishing you the best and I do hope the light shines greater than it has in awhile as you transition. Please do take care.

Warm regards,

Patrick / Veritas

[MsTree in reply to Hidden]

I've heard from my son needing money but he wouldn't tell me where he was. I have faith he will be home soon.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi MsTree and thank you for your post. This sounds a very difficult time for you. We are here and we are listening to you. I too hope they find your grandson quickly and safely. Your grandson's autism is not your fault. Please believe this. Please also believe that you do have value and in time, you will begin to see this.

I have put a Trigger Warning on your post as some of the content could upset other members of the forum who are vulnerable themselves. This will alert them.

We care about you on this community and our members will try and support you as much as we can. Please remember that you are not alone. In the meantime, if you are distressed and are in the UK, please call--

The Samaritans

Freephone 116 123

24 hour helpline

7 days a week [they provide a listening ear].

Also, if you live outside of the UK and are distressed, please have a look at the Pinned Posts section of the screen which includes Free Mental Health Guides and International Crisis Support Helplines.

If you are in the UK------- NHS 999 [Emergencies]

NHS 111 [Non Emergencies]

Have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling? He/she will be able to help and support you. There may be a mental health nurse who is attached to the practice who could also provide you with some support. Perhaps some counselling may help? Your GP would be able to arrange this and you would be able to work through your feelings. Do you have any hobbies or interests that you enjoy? These can really help too. You will find joy in life again. Take small steps and reach out for support and you will get there. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself and always believe you have value. Please take care and stay in touch. Are there any other forum members who could help MsTree, please?

Thank you and best wishes

[MsTree in reply to MAS_Nurse]

I do need to get some psychiatric help. These things going on in my life are too much to bear alone. I have only love in my heart which seems to cause me to hurt on a deeper level than others. I longed to hear my husband tell me he loves me, but he doesn't. My son whom I've supported through all his legal problems and addictions has turned on me. I know I am a strong person or I would be self medicating but I am not. I will make the call for help. Thank you for your support.

[PNIAuthor60]

I struggle to write a response as my eyes filled with tears reading of this latest development. I am so sorry Mstree that your heart has been crushed again. I will be praying protection for your grandson and you did the right thing calling the police.

Now as it has already been mentioned, it is important for you to find assistance and support for yourself while waiting for your grandson to be found and returned.

You are so much more than nothing, but I think I can appreciate how the feeling of defeat has you questioning yourself but you have already noted that you trust in our Lord and Savior - so it is His strength that will see you through every moment as He has in the past. His promise to never leave us or forsake us is timeless and remembering that He is the God of all comfort. The investment of love you instilled in your grandson will carry him through this bewildering time.

[MsTree in reply to PNIAuthor60]

Thank you so much for always answering my posts. You are such a caring person. I am ,too. I have prayed for my baby;s safe return and a strong mind. I have prayed that my pain will not be in vain and I will come through to the other side a stronger and wiser person.

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to MsTree]

We do life together in the family of God - so what nourishing things are you doing for yourself?

[MsTree in reply to PNIAuthor60]

This may sound silly, but I love to pick wild blackberries. I make jelly from them. There's lots of woods around my house where the berries grow. I also like to walk the creeks and listen to the water flow.

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to MsTree]

Good to hear!