Self Hatred

[EnigmaticMindOfLirio]

I've grown up living with a Narcissistic mother and her demeaning behavior my entire life, I still live with her as I am her in-home caregiver due to her two strokes and kidney failure. She's treated me like something she has stepped in for as long as I can remember. She has also told me on multiple occasions that she should have had an abortion while pregnant with me, one of those sayings was "I should have flushed you down the f*cking toilet while I had the chance". I've wanted to die since I was about 8 or 9 years old due to the way my mom has treated me. I've grown up to hate myself. I want to know how I can start putting to an end my self hatred that my mother has implanted in me throughout the years. How do I stop downing and doubting myself? How do I learn to love myself for who I am? Does anybody have any suggestions? I'm broken down into tears right now and no one seems to be able to help when it comes to my friends and boyfriend, I'm being told that I have to figure it out myself, which may be true, but I don't know where to start so I came here where people seem to understand more than others.

[Marshall64]

Wow. I don't know how a parent could say something like that to their child.

Have you ever been to a therapist?

[EnigmaticMindOfLirio in reply to Marshall64]

I am seeing a Therapist, he's the one who diagnosed my mom with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have an appointment with him tomorrow, which I'll discuss this with, I would just like some peace of mind for now if at all possible.

[Marshall64 in reply to EnigmaticMindOfLirio]

I don't know you but i wish there was something i could do to take away your pain and self - hatred. I guess that is the parent in me. That is how most parents feel about their kids.

I don't believe that this is something that you "have to figure out yourself". It is good that you have a therapist. I have found that support groups help me. Keep posting here as needed.

[EnigmaticMindOfLirio in reply to Marshall64]

So far that's what my boyfriend has told me, that I have to figure it out for myself, what works for me and can't expect everyone to do things for me, though I'm only asking for suggestions on what to do... I'll talk to my Therapist and see if he knows about any support groups around my area. Thank you, Marshall.

[Kristy123]

Praying for you. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right therapist. No one should ever be spoken to like that. Words are very powerful, but you are better and stronger than any negativity someone’s speaks about you.

You have to believe this. Please keep us updated. Everyday, you have the opportunity to grow and be stronger than the last day. Make a choice to be stronger..

[EnigmaticMindOfLirio in reply to Kristy123]

I'll try my best to do so. Thank you, Kristy.

[Kristy123 in reply to EnigmaticMindOfLirio]

Your welcome. I know it’s hard and I can’t imagine, how you are dealing with this all,

But I believe in you posting a post like this, you already know what you need to do. You just need us to love and support you, and we all do ❤️ everyone on this earth is a miracle and blessing the world, even the most horrible minded people are here for a purpose. I promise.

[Hidden]

Think about something else instead of hating yourself. Maybe?

[Cara78]

You must (suggested lol) find a way to empower yourself, counselling, doing something your good at, read positive books, join a group, any group that's gony bring out your goodness. Exercise, positive self talk, cuz it's all about you now. Your mother may never change. You can change your attitude and not let her hurt you anymore by accepting that it's the way she is. You can do anything you want to do and ultimately it's us that hold us back. Your entitled to a good life without taking shit from anyone, practice it and it will help. Look up self empowerment.

[hypercat54]

Hi just because she is your mother doesn't mean you have to be close or that you have to be her carer. Being with her is obviously doing you harm and impeding your recovery so can anyone else care for her instead? In your situation I would be looking for other solutions and gradually step back more and more.

I must admit the thought of being my mums carer (she is gone now) would have been enough to drive me to jump off the nearest cliff. There is no way I could have handled it - no way in the world. I hope you find some answers. x

[gerg]

I think that I would start the healing by accepting my mother as she is. She is her own person, as damaged as she is, and you were not at fault for the way she was/is. You probably feel resentment towards your mother and this resentment is toxic. Once you can fully accept your mother, then you can start to accept yourself. There is probably a fair amount of resentment towards yourself from growing up this way, and other negative emotions that need to be left behind. This is a process, mostly involving sorting the facts from the emotion. Be honest and honor the feelings as you move forward.

[Hshaffer13]

You don't have to figure it out by yourself. NO PARENT should EVER treat their child that way!!! I have 2 loving parents and I thank the Lord for that but I have been in relationships both romantically and just as friends where people have used and abused me and when things got messy they all ran away. The thing is as you go through life you learn about what's real and what's not. They say blood is thicker than water and mostly thats true but sometimes it's the complete opposite. It sounds like you are giving your mom all she needs while she whipes her feet on you like a dirty rug. I don't know you but I will tell you that you are beautiful and you my dear are worth it. Don't EVER EVER let someone have the power to make you hate yourself because truly it's them that hate themselves. Sometimes it's necessary to distance yourself from toxic relationships no matter who the person on the other end is. I know you said you are taking care of your mom but truly its time for you to distance yourself and LIVE YOUR LIFE!!! whether she was my mom or not that is not a person I would have in my life no matter what. Maybe find a way to have someone else to take care of her because she does not deserve you. You are a part of her and as a mother myself this breaks my heart. The love for your child is unconditional and without limits. Maybe all this illness has made her bitter but that's not your problem. So my advice is distance yourself walk out the door and live your life and if she chooses to be bitter and miserable let her. She will realize she was wrong for how she has treated you and if she doesn't then that's not your problem either. I realize the struggles between a mother and daughter but my mom would never drive me to a point of hating myself although there has been times where she has told me I needed to lose weight or small things like that but here is the kicker. You HAVE to love yourself because of you don't love yourself you can't fully love anyone else and they can't love you. My older sister who is my rock told me that when I was in a BAD relationship in college and I realized right there that it was true I didnt love myself otherwise why was I putting myself through all of the shit that I was. See your mom doesn't love herself and you can't make her but YOU have the power to LOVE YOURSELF. There is always someone to listen and sometimes it may be a stranger and thats ok. I hope this helps!