deppression and suicidal thought

[BellaLatte]

i have been battleling deppression since I can remember. I was always mixed with a strong desired of not wanting to be alive. I have always lived for other because I cant do it for me. I live for my children, now for my grandchildren but I stil want to die. I will not attempt it because that will hurt my family but the desire is there and that feeling is the one i dont like to have.

[Cleaner]

I feel the same it's so hard to live feeling like this. Sorry can't offer any thing sensable to help except your not a lone .

[BellaLatte in reply to Cleaner]

Thank you. It feels very alone. I have family but no one understands how it feels to be tired of feeling this way. Of crying of wanting to die. I wish I did t have to feel this way

[195Dbv56 in reply to Cleaner]

Bella and Cleaner, I know just how you feel. Have been on different antidepressants for years, to no avail. I also feel like I would rather not be here so much of the time, but I'm too chicken to take my life, despite the daily pain and paralysis of depression. I recently tried Spravato with no success and TMS as well with absolutely no change whatsoever. Talk about depressing. I am now getting treatment through the use of Ketamine infusion. I have had only one treatment, which was 2 days ago, and I feel like a new person. I go in for another treatment today and can't wait! I know I shouldn't trust this as it has only been one treatment, but this has really given me hope. Not ONE moment of depression since I finished the first treatment. I would highly recommend that you both look into this. You have SO much to gain. Wishing you both the best with your lives.

[Nordie2024]

I feel and identify with what you say, same here. - Could it perhaps be that you have complex trauma (CPTSD)? I do. Some of the symptoms of CPTSD are chronic depression, often from a very early age - and chronic suicidal preoccupation - and a sense of shortened future...One possible reaction of the individual to trauma is the Fawn-response (developed to survive the trauma causing aggressor), which later, among other things, causes one to do everything possible for others, but not for oneself.

Wikipedia has a quite good overview of CPTSD, link: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compl...

And Ingrid Clayton and Pete Walker write about the Trauma Fawn response:

psychologytoday.com/us/blog...

pete-walker.com/codependenc...

Hope this maybe could help you a bit.

[BellaLatte]

thank you! I will read the articles.

Indont want to feel this way believe me its been 50 years and i am tired

[Ch_M_Anwaar]

I can't believe how long you've been facing depression Have you ever gone to a professional

Did it help

I can't believe it

I have also been diagnosed with depression

And I had a hope that maybe I would be fine but is this lifelong???

It hurts..

I wish I could take your pain inside me ...

[DarkMoonSide]

Oh you still care about how it will hurt the others? You will be fine, I don't even care and I want to end it right here right now, idk why I still haven't done it yet, idk what's holding me, I want to find out so I can kill it then me after ..