Finding support

[Ch_M_Anwaar]

it is hard for me to ask for help as i have always been the one giving it .

maybe too much as well according to my therapist. i just want no one to hurt like i do. I cant battle this depression alone and please if anyone can support me for i dont know how to live anymore. i feel like there is literal darkness injected in my mind. but i was never this person. i feel dead. and i want to stop existing. i cut my self at times. i get into reckless accidents in order to hurt myself. even writing this my right hand is injured because of a bike accident. i just want to feel happy one more time. i have been a sensitive person my whole life but that doesnt mean i am weak . i cant be weak. i need to breath. i just am not sure how long i can take it anymore.

[Cookie2217]

Hello. If no one has ever told you this before you are enough and you are worthy and you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God and He makes no mistakes. When you suffer with depression, you do feel dead because you have absolutely no desire to do anything in life which is completely debilitating for us. I suffer from major depressive disorder, PTSD and adjustment disorder from childhood trauma. Have you ever spoken to a therapist before. If not you should in order to get to the root cause of your own depression. You could possibly need medication in order to get through this rough period in your life. How old are you if you don't mind me asking. You sound younger and when you get out of high school and are facing with becoming an adult sometimes were not ready for that change so that could cause you to fall into a depression as well. I am wishing you well and that you have peace and well-being. Please keep in touch so I know how you are doing beside I care. Take care of yourself ok.

[Ch_M_Anwaar in reply to Cookie2217]

thanks so much for your kind words

i am 20 and just began at a new university. i have no friends here, it has always been hard for me to make friends, but once i make friends i never let them go. and hence i miss my old friends, spending time with them. my best friend is my only hope in life. he took me to the psychologist and she diagnosed me. she asked me to see a psychiatrist as well because i need medication but i am not comfortable with medication yet, i dont know why i feel afraid of it. Maybe i would have died out of the pain of voices in my head if it werent for my friend. i lost my father last september and i have since gone through major life changes. i have put on 15 kg of weight i cant walk i feel i might fall down . at times i cant eat for days and then eat obsessively. i havent told my mum about it yet because i feel not comfortable around her about my condition and i pretend to be fine in front of everyone except the silence of the night, my newfound doctor and my friend.

i used to be a really strong person who managed his problems on his own

but now it feels as if my mind has refused to listen to me anymore. maybe i deserved this for not taking care of my mind.

it is my first time with a therapist and it kinda feels weird as well. ive never told anyone about my pain and its weird

[Cookie2217 in reply to Ch_M_Anwaar]

Since your so new at school maybe join some clubs that you're interested in in order to meet new people cuz I promise you it'll open up and you'll be able to meet new friends there as well. You definitely need to keep your mom in the loop though for your own safety and well-being because as you said if you're hearing voices in your head that's pretty serious so try to do what your therapist tells you to do OK. I'm glad your best friend is so special to you and of course you miss him I'm sure you two spent a lot of time together and having a best friend is very special because you can trust them and depend on them all the time. The weight you put on is only because you're probably eating new foods at college they call it the Freshman 15 and it's very common so try not to worry about that as much. I'm so sorry about the death of your father believe me I was 19 when my own father died and it was very sad without him being around so I understand exactly how you feel. If you ever want to talk about your grief over that let me know I'm a good listener. I care about you and want the best for you so try not to stress so much. When you first go to school there are so many changes that it's scary a lot of the times that's how I felt when I was your age too so that's normal as well. Please don't say that you deserve this because you don't you just may have some sort of chemical imbalance or something like that like I do and medication helps that I know taking medication is scary at first but trust in your therapist because they want the best for you. Please keep in touch with me and let me know how you're doing okay. Take care of yourself and definitely think about those new clubs that you could join they have a million of them at college so the world is your oyster pic one that you'll love and that you have an interest in so you'll be more likely to stay with the group and make a lot of new friends up there at college. Wishing you peace and well-being.

[Ch_M_Anwaar in reply to Cookie2217]

your support means a lot. like a light in a dark cave. i have tried to pursue people at school but i start to get twitches on my forehead as soon as i indulge in social gatherings and conversations, i just cant feel myself having any control over my physical or emotional self. i want to move on from the pain of everything but i just cant . i know one cant snap out of depression just like that. but i want to i really really want to, i just want to feel happy even for a brief moment, even when some friend or classfellow makes a joke or tries to make me laugh, i pretend to laugh but i dont feel it. when i pretend to laugh in front of best friend he says to stop pretending dont do it if i dont want to, he says i shouldnt force myself in front of him but i know he hurts a lot when he sees me in pain.

i hurt a lot when i see myself in pain , i feel everyday so lengthy, and overwhelming, i cant even sleep for days and days and then sleep for like 4 to 5 hours tops.

i have another apointment on thursday , i know therapy isnt magic there isnt any miracle but i kinda am hoping for some miracle. that would make me feel if not perfectly fine then at least a bit breathable.

thanks a lot for showing support for me...

[Cookie2217 in reply to Ch_M_Anwaar]

Hi there. You're very welcome I will be here if you need to reach out to me because I care about you and your well-being. It seems to me that you definitely have depression and if your therapist says it too that is what you will most likely be diagnosed with but let me tell you it's not the end of the world there is medication out there that helps you you just have to find the right one. I'm diagnosed with major depressive disorder PTSD and adjustment disorder from childhood trauma at the hands of my parents. My mother verbally emotionally and psychologically abuse me from the bottom of a Scotch bottle and call me all sorts of names and my father physically abused me when I was younger and didn't protect me from my mother's wrath he just would go to sleep at night instead and leave me to deal with all of the problems myself. I want to ask you if you've ever journaled before because it did wonders for me I journaled my feelings about my parents and letters to them and explain to them how I felt what they did to me and at the end of each I forgave both of them not for them but for me to help with my healing process. Just write your feelings down on paper to get them off your chest and it makes you feel better it really does so try it they even have journals with prompts in them to help you find something to write about if you get stuck. I'm glad your best friend is there for you how often do you see each other are you away at school? It's very important to keep in close contact with him because he seems like a great guy that's always there to support you and that's what you need right now. Don't worry so much about making a ton of friends there's more in quality than quantity if you know what I mean and they say that if you can count your friends on one hand you're a very lucky person. I have three best friends in my life one I've been friends with for about 42 years from the age that we were 11 until now her name is Lisa and she's wonderful and knows when I'm not feeling well because she can sense it cuz I don't answer phone calls cuz I isolate and withdraw from people and she tells me that that's the exact moment where I should reach out to her but I just can't it's too hard for me to do that you know what I mean. My other friend Lisa P is the same way she's a very good friend we talk all the time and she knows when I don't answer her then I'm going through something too as well as my friend Kelly who's been a friend for many many years as well. Kelly's had it rough in life and has lost siblings and we share a lot of the same experiences not getting along with our mothers Etc so it's she's very easy to talk to for me. The reason why you're not laughing when your friend or people at school make a joke is because you absolutely don't feel it you're depressed and nothing and no one can make you happy right now cuz you're in that deep dark hole called depression but I promise you things will change once you get the right combination of therapeutic services and medication and try not to be afraid of it cuz it's there to help you it's not there to hurt you so trust in your therapist and speak to a psychiatrist that can put you on medication you might have a chemical imbalance in your brain like I do where the serotonin levels aren't where they should be and the medication helps with that and it's not a magic pill of any kind but it helps you not to be debilitated by your depression and you're able to go about your day. Believe me medication doesn't automatically change how you feel you have to work on yourself and you always seem to be doing that so don't beat yourself up at all because you are being very responsible and reaching out here which is great cuz you need people that go through similar experiences to identify with what you're going through cuz it's validation. I'm glad you have another appointment on Thursday and talk to your therapist about it and tell her your fears about taking medication she'll make you feel better as well about it. Please keep in touch and let me know how you're doing okay wishing you peace and well-being.

[Ch_M_Anwaar in reply to Cookie2217]

I cant imagine how it must have felt having to live in an abusive environment, As for the journaling yes i have done a lot of journaling all my life. i have diaries stocked from 2010 and some of them i cant even understand their meaning. i write poems, when i feel i can comprehend some of my feelings but for some time i dont even understand what i feel or think. it is kinda mind boggling. i feel nice getting to talk to someone freely about my pain, especially someone who has been through worse. i hope you feel better soon . i cant hug you from over the internet otherwise i wuld have after getting to know about you, i cant stand the pain of others. maybe that is also a bad thing for my mind. i am kind of extremely sensitive to people's pain and hurt. i go to extreme lengths to help my loved ones. but i cant ask for it. maybe i am too proud for that, i never thought if myself as a proud person. i am an ordinary human nothing special about me. but one thing i know that when i love someone be it a relative, friend . i'd give my life, my breath, my peace and my everything for them. but i cant be happy for the sake of my friend, I hurt and I can't feel better. and it bothers me. I cant do much but i would love to listen to your story and your journey.

[Cookie2217 in reply to Ch_M_Anwaar]

Thank you so very much for your kind wishes I really appreciate that a lot. You and I seem to be a lot of like did you ever hear of an empath? We are in paths because we are very sensitive to other people's feelings and even feel their own pain on ourselves if you know what I mean. I do the same thing I will go out of my way for a family member or a friend wholeheartedly with everything I have and go beyond to try to help them and ease their pain but I can't seem to do the same for myself so we have a lot in common my young friend. I have a long story and as we get to know each other more I'll tell you more about it I don't want to bore you with the details LOL but as they say I should write a book cuz I've been through a lot and because of my childhood trauma I suffer with self-esteem and self-loathing issues that I've brought into adulthood unfortunately which is unhealthy. I always have to check with my husband and say do I look all right each morning and he tells me I look beautiful everyday but somehow I find it hard to believe him because I don't love myself as much as I love others. It's hard when you do that I have to learn new ways to cope with that and try to get better with that as well. Well I have to run now and get back to work so I'll talk to you soon keep in touch and let me know about Thursday and how everything worked out I'll be saying some prayers for you. My last thought for you for the day is if no one ever told you you are enough you are worthy and you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God himself and he makes no mistakes remember that okay. Have a good one.