Note: I am not suicidal. The only thing heavier than my depression is the responsibility as the only support system for my children. I. Will. Not. Leave. Them. No. Matter. How. Bad. It. Gets.
Yes, I am aware that this is Suicidal Ideation.
And yes, the program that I am waitlisted for is aware of this.
I’m low. Belly on the ground low.
The only thing that keeps me from ending it all, finally, is my children (teens & 20’s). They have no other adult support network. I have to hold on. I also would not ever leave them to clean up the messes that I have created (my “stuff” and the estate).
I get out of bed every day only as a responsibility to them. I leave the house only on their behalf - to drive them to work and school or to buy the minimum of groceries.
If I didn’t have them, I know how I would die. I would do it with the least amount of trauma to anyone. Either by taking something and then just going and sitting myself in the ER waiting room without checking in. They know how to deal with death there. Or by disappearing deep into the north woods where no one would be traumatized by finding my body.
But it won’t happen. I have felt this desire to die at various times since I was a teenager. My sense of obligation to others is too great. I’m not of the mind “let’s see who would really appreciate me if I wasn’t here”. I know that it would irreparably traumatize my children. My mother was selfish with her own needs over that of her children. I won’t be her.
Although, I do worry that once/if I start therapy that works and start to focus on my own needs as a priority that I might somehow be convinced to put my needs first…
I’m rambling. I’m sorry.
None of the “reasons” not to die apply to me. I have no hopes or dreams. I have nothing that I enjoy doing anymore. I can’t remember anything that made me feel positive in so long.
And the only thing that I can even remember that was positive is times spent with an old male friend 3+ years ago - we dated for a while - who no longer wants to speak to me because of my mental health issues. He told me yesterday not to message him again. I messaged him in the middle of a panic attack over how could I ever date anyone - I have a history of sexual assault and the thought of being physically involved with someone sends me into anxiety overload. I had a full panic attack. I have been trying to figure out how to ease back into the world. And I joined a local singles group and created a Match profile. The focus on sex discussions overwhelmed me, and Match paired me with a man that I know is out on parole for beating a former partner to death (he’s local). I reached out to one man with mutual friends in a platonic way and he rebuffed me. I asked a question of the group about male/female relationships that are intimate, but don’t necessarily involve sex (or at least not for a long while) and I was told over and over again that there is something wrong with me and that no man would ever agree to such a thing. And all of the anxiety from each of these things together crashed in on me. So I messaged my old friend (who I saw a few days earlier). He’s dating someone else, and he felt that I overstepped boundaries in sharing this upset with him and he said that we should discontinue all communication.
I tried these groups because the therapist told me that it was the way to beat my anxiety over forming relationships. Instead, it made everything worse.
I have been on a variety of antidepressants for more than a year without any relief. I am on an extended leave from work because I can’t face people. I can’t check into an inpatient program because there is genuinely no one else to support my children. The youngest two don’t drive and can’t look after themselves well enough for me to disappear for a three week inpatient program.
I’m on a waitlist for an outpatient self-directed program. I got to choose one issue to focus on and I chose anxiety. The other therapist that I saw (and used all of my benefits coverage on) just wanted to give me pep talks about “thinking positively” and finding my “energy” and told me that I just needed to put myself out there and that everyone is nervous about meeting new people…
And I have nowhere else to turn. And no hope that anything will ever change.
