Hi! Today I was wondering about stress and it’s effect on lupus and flares. My father died two years ago (March 2nd, 2020). I have no brothers or sisters. My parents were older when they adopted me, and I lived at home taking care of their house and their business until five years ago, just before dad became sick.
All my life, I was doing things for my parents. I looked after the home and finances while they would live in Florida for the winter. Apparently, having someone in the house while they were gone, made the insurance cheaper. When I would have time off from university or vacation time at work, I had to us it always go visit them. It wasn’t a choice.
Until one day, I decided to go back to university and get my nursing degree, because I knew I would make enough to support myself and be able to move and live anywhere in my country.
I graduated, and moved three hours away. Bought my first house. And was happy. Then dad got sick a year after I moved, and he died within five years. My problem is: my mother is now living alone up home in their house. She is capable of living alone, she isn’t sick. She has many family that is with her constantly, and many good friends that are always around. But she is used to my father doing everything for her. She wants me to call her everyday( which I do, and it’s no problem), but it is always to make me feel bad that I am not giving up the life I have worked hard for and go take care of her. She is able to take care of herself, she just doesn’t want too. All her life someone else has done everything. And she has gotten everything she wants.
I am tired. I am not healthy these days with lupus and pulmonary embolisms (9+ in the past year. My full time job.) Calling mom is stressful, and has to be very single day. Only to have her tell me that so and so daughter is a “good” daughter because she moved back home to take care of her mother. That my aunt is SO lucky to have a “good” daughter that is living close to her. She says these things every single day to me. “Too bad you are not here…” “Too bad you are not living here at home…” It is so stressful.
Am I a horrible person that I really want to be on my own for once? That I am finally happy? All my life I dreamed of living on my own but couldn’t because they needed me to do something for them, or they would talk me out of it. I am 48. I was only on my own at 42. My parents are very strict. Even yesterday my mother got so upset that I bought a book at the bookstore. She can’t understand why I didn’t just go to a library. I wanted to buy a book! It is my money, and I work hard for it!
I am scared. Am I going to be 8 years old for the rest of my life??? Am I a horrible person to want my space after all these years? This stress is causing my lupus to flare something awful. My face is a mess. I can’t sleep because of pain, and I can’t function at work because I am so exhausted. I don’t know what to do.
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Willow7733
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Hi Willow no you are NOT a horrible person what so ever, you have sacrificed enough of your life to please your parents and it’s time you started thinking of yourself - can you say to your mum for the sake of your health that you phone her maybe twice a week and just explain that your lupus is bad at the moment and need to focus some time on your own-if she dosnt like it then that’s just tough - like you say she has other family near her , you will burn yourself out if you don’t change things and yes stress does not help lupus and flares - be strong and sending big hugs to you 🤗🤗💕
You have no idea how much your words are needed today. I am working full time at the hospital, working over time because of Covid. I get home and go to bed right away at 4pm. No energy to eat. So exhausted. But I can’t go to sleep until I call her and report what I have been doing, what I am eating, what I am planning to do. I go to work! What could I have possibly done since the night before?? I am 48. I don’t want to do this “reporting to mom” every single day anymore. My father, on his deathbed, looked at her and told her to let me live my life. After the funeral, she told me to remember what dad said: I am to look after her. And then she told me I owe her that. I don’t know what to do.
She is not alone. We lived on a cul-de-sac (only four houses on a dead end street). All of the neighbours have been friends since all of us kids were born. All are widows like mom, so Mondays they get together and play cards all day long. My uncle and aunt are always taking her out. My cousins do her shopping. She is never ever alone. She has so many friends.
I went home this summer vacation to move her to our cottage. One of her friends, who is 83, and recently widowed like mom, has a boyfriend. In front of everyone she tells me how much smarter her friend is than me because she found a man and I can’t! I was so embarrassed. Her friends faces looked shocked at what she said. I am not married. How could I be? In my 20’s and 30’s I had to hang out with seniors! And she always tells me she doesn’t understand my exhaustion because other people my age are married, have kids, and a job like mine and they are fine! I am still getting over 9 pulmonary embolisms. I only took five days off after a month long stay in ICU. I am tired. And I feel like I am letting her down. All the time! I get it, everyone is doing better than me. I get it. 😔😔😔
You said that your father, on his deathbed, looked at your mother and told her to let you live your life. Your father would want you live your life to the full so you could make this your mission.
You spend so much of your energy and time at work. You need fun times and being able to self-indulge and to chill out doing your favorite things and not feeling guilty.
Mum relationships - I'm there too, and so are a few cousins.
I have had a few 'heart to hearts' with my mum, who I care for. In the end I thought it necessary to tell her where I stood - in the kindest way. (If I'm not around in the future, because something happens to me, then my mum will have less).
I showed her the two Lupus UK Family and friends clips on:
I was also honest with siblings, uncles and aunts, and with my mum's neighbours. I try and let them know where I stand. Sometimes it is stressful calmly telling them, and I wish I did not need to. I know that if I don't tell them the stress just gets worse.
I regularly explain to my mum that some of the phone calls don't work. That I'm busy and have something that is urgent. Might it be possible to have a regular catch up once a week (or twice ?) that you take charge of. She can put the times in her diary and you could phone her.
I'm having conversations with cousins in similar position with phone calls. They mention they can't go on holiday without feeling guilty because even when they are away they are continually phoned.
It can be difficult agreeing things on the phone, so sometimes I say to my mum I can't talk on the phone but will talk face-to-face when I see her.
Things have improved since I was more honest. It has also helped talking to relatives and friends who are finding themselves in a similar situations.
Once I went out. Whilst I was out mum phoned me lots of times (landline and mobile) I missed all the calls but again this helped as it is less likely to happen in the future. At the time I feel guilty but when I look at things a bit later it seems fine.
I don't seem to insert link to YouTube clips but Dr Donald Thomas' clip 'Lupus & You: Manage Your Stress With Lupus - Part Three' helped me feel really determined to deal with family things that cause stress. I even shared parts of this clip with family members, so they were aware how much damage stress can cause their own immune systems. It helped everyone become more mindful as they interact, being more careful about phone calls too and more supportive of one another.
Thinking of you. Take care. How things improve soon 🤗🤗💕
Omg thank you! I know of the crazy calls. She does this to me at work and scares me so much because I think it is an emergency. She has called me on my cell at work to yell at me too. It is awful.
Watch Dr Donald Thomas' clip 'Lupus & You: Manage Your Stress With Lupus - Part Three
After being zapped with a stressful conversation, I do things like 'relax in warm bath', 'listen to peaceful music', 'talk to friends at work' - stress can pass.
Oh Willow, svfarmer is 100% right …….you must take care of your health…..& start to have a less stressful life ……believe me I have seen your situation before & you can fix it……starting today….the longer you hold back the harder it will get. Can you call your mother after work today?
Say you are really not at all well & you need a rest….say firmly you will call her in one week……turn off your landline phone (if you have one) & leave your cell phone in your car.
If possible take a few days sick leave…I know that will be difficult & if you can’t do that at short notice book some vacation leave asap….& take a trip.
If she does call you at work…no matter what reason she gives to speak to you ….avoid taking her call….just call her as promised on 3/28……& explain kindly…how things will be going forward……as your health is becoming a problem.
If you feel there is one oldie living near your mum you can confide in….I’m sure you will find she is understanding.
The girl I know ….who was in your position …..said it was the hardest thing she ever did…but once she did it & continued to call her mother weekly……her mother understood she meant what she said….& although they were never as close as they could have been…..life became so much less stressful for the daughter…knowing her mother realised she needed some ‘Me time’….or there would be ‘no time’……it took off the constant pressure of reporting in….as you say like an 8 year old.
Willow, we could be sisters. I’m 58 and only in the last 15 years, thanks to therapy and hard work, I came to understand I am the one enslaving myself. I let her live in my head for years
She sent me on guilt trips BUT I packed the bags lol
I eventually got to talk to her about how I felt. She said, good god it felt horrible having that much power over someone else.
I came later to see how she grew up, ( not getting hugs and kisses cus grandma was mentally ill, how she felt fear over ( my dad ran away in 1970) abandonment, so her answer was control, and closing down emotionally. But I see her in there.
I totally recommend trying to find some connections. Mine is 79. And we can’t even chat long on phone sometimes, but I’m not responsible for her emotions. I’m to take her as she is bc one day I won’t even get to roll my eyes at her
Therapy and forgiveness are wonderful. I know I am not perfect, I’m finally understanding what she meant when she said “ you have to take me as I am , I’ll never be the kind of mommy that you want “
And she was right. 44 years old and still trying to make her into a cookie baking cuddles. Lol!
I can do that for my own kid.
Worrying and stressing out is AWFUL for my lupus. For whatever time I got left I’m going to enjoy people, places, things. And stop my head from sweating !!!
I am very grateful I had a good relationship with both parents, but the problem was, as I grew older I naturally wanted to be more on my own. For some reason, they wanted me to be 8 years old all my life.
I am not married, nor do I have kids…but I still want my own life. Today I called her and she wanted a detailed itinerary of my weekend. Where I will be, what I am going to eat, what I am doing. I don’t want to report to her every single day. I get the weekends off - I don’t know what I am going to do! It is so tiring.
I haven’t been feeling well at all lately. I don’t know if it is lupus or asthma (I just recently developed severe allergies and asthma). I know it is not Covid because they make us test for it three times a week at work. Just so tired and unable to breathe correctly. I am pretty sure it is because I don’t get to stop and relax between my mother and work.
I was just approved for a week off in May and I was thinking to going to Los Angeles for a vacation. But, my mother can’t know. It wouldn’t be good nor relaxing for me. I don’t know how I will pull it off.
Sorry to hear this willow.there comes a time when we must put ourselves first whether others agree or not,approve or not ,understand or not. my mum is on her own at 90 she is independent but losing her sight to Charles bonnet syndrome.my son and I are the only family close by. She isn't demanding but I still have to take her to eye appointments,look after her garden etc and it takes its toll.You arnt an awful person at all.you are beautiful and strong but you are a person with a chronic illness .
She has had her backside wiped for too long .....time for some tough love....time to switch off. I've learnt to let alot go over my head in order to reduce stress. Xx
I have a phone follow up with him every three months. I also am seeing a pulmonary therapist for severe asthma (developed that in the last six years. So strange). What is mmf?
Mmf is the immunosuppressant mycophenolate which i take with hydroxychloquine.i have breathing issues they said was asthma but pulmonary specialist says no .my breathing issues in Nov that led to admission were documented as lupus related pleurisy.chest xray showed enlarged heart.i hope pulmonary therapist can teach the breathing techniques that can help x
Pleurisy is one of the lung manifestations in lupus. Look up or ask your pulmonary therapist about buteyko that should help you .your breathing may need retraining. I've done it with respiratory physio x
I have such a hard time to do anything g and not be short of breath. It hurts. I am gasping for air. I just did my wash for the week and just putting the sheets on my bad I had to stop several times because I was gasping for air. So frustrating.
Firstly relax it's OK to be breathless but try this ....sniff the flower blow out the candle repeat 6 times. Sounds like you need your breathing retraining x
Oh spaniel! Much hugs and prayers. I’ve only had a few hospital stays so far. And I think how much worse some people have it with the pericardium or pleurisy.
My mom is a recovering alcoholic, pretty scared when my father ran away but she hid it with the booze.
My brother and I kinda carried the burden too. But I think all the hills and dales, just toughen us up ya know?
I’m scared at times. Hate being so sick from my tx, DMARDs, biological etc and yet I am told it’s mild or moderate. Lol.
After losing some of y’all to COVID, and exiling myself ( by my choice). I came to realize, y’all understand the fear, tears and yuck emotions of dealing with. Being “ sick” All The. Time. !!! My husband has finally started working 9 hours away
I was up at 2 am for all the reasons one is up after an injection. And I just let him have it in a text. Even though we are together for years. Or he gets a toothache, that’s no reason to leave a sister hanging! A card, flowers, a kiss my Fanny would be app.
I was mortified I had blown up. But man it was great feeling inside.
They certainly do toughen us up.there is always more to our lupus journeys then people realise. I was left a single parent after my OH died in a road accident in 2009 I simply had to get on with it .Men just don't think or get that we need these little acknowledgements that show they care.....I live with a teenage son lol
Your mum is trying to use emotional blackmail against you and it’s just not fair of her to do this - it sounds as if she does not listen to you properly - could you maybe give her some literature on lupus and ask her to read it and then she may understand why you are so exhausted - you should be so proud of yourself working full time and doing extra shifts and she ought to be proud of you too , it’s a hard enough job you have as it is especially with Lupus to top it and also getting over 9 pulmonary embolisms, just wondering if you could take some time off work ??
Please do not feel like your letting your mum down, try and focus on what your Dad said before he passed away that you should go and have your own life - Think it’s awful that she embarrassed you in front of other people about not finding a man - you never know what’s round the corner, I found love in my late forties and am getting married this July so it’s never to late to fall in love . Xxx
No. Growing up, if I had anything going on, it was always “well, is it cancer? “ If they had something it was a big deal. She has osteoarthritis and I get it is bad. (Her knees and hands bother her so much). But I really don’t think she knows what lupus is.
Oh Willow you are so very far from being a horrible person. You deserve a life too. You have not abandoned your Mother. She is a very fortunate lady to have you. I can empathise my Father left when I was five and I would only see him every few months or years if he chose to yet when he became sick he expected me to go every weekend to cook and clean until I put my foot down and got him a carer. Sometimes you have to put yourself and your health first lovely. It is hard but you deserve it xxx
Morning Willow, I am a carer so I have worked with older people all my life. I see the other side of the story first hand and its usually due to Dementia. Older people (in my opinion) with dementia regress back to childhood emotionally, if you imagine your mum as a toddler she has similar wants and needs. Doesn't want to be left alone. Wants their needs seen to before anyone else. No empathy. She will not get better or suddenly see the light and realise what she is doing to you. She can't. Sometimes it's habit to complain to you it's not necessarily how she feels but it's what she's always done and that's how it comes out, she just wants that mother/ daughter relationship. Family members also fall into a pattern of behaviour and will often be shocked if you suddenly start demanding change, but once that change is installed they quickly fall into the new pattern. Decide what you want your level of commitment to be with your mum. Tell your family and stick to it.! Easier said than done I know.
It helps if you imagine yourself as an observer to your situation, what would you advise this person to do. Good luck.
Older people love a letter, could you perhaps call her once a week but also send a couple of letters. Then she has something physical to pull out and look at as often as she needs to.
I read your post , and really empathise with you . You sound such a lovey carrying person .
Don’t be afraid to move forward with your life . You love your mum , I can tell by your words . Your health and happiness needs you . I feel maybe a letter to your mum .
Explaining how you feel and what you now have to do with your life . I think you may well need therapy for how your life is changing .
Stress is not good lupus sufferers . Can manifest in so many ways .
Don’t be afraid to reach out and look after yourself . Your mum knows you love her dearly .
You absolutely have to put yourself first if you are going to stabilse your lupus. One thing a lot of us have in common is that we try to please people, and try hard to prove ourselves, which means we wear ourselves out and become very porous as people. One go to for me is Gabor Mate, When the Body Says No. You could also seek help in the form of therapy or coaching to help with boundaries. Take care xx
Hi Willow, your mother is a co-ercive controller. In the UK this is a prosecuting offence, although trying to prove it to the powers that be is another matter. To me it sounds like you have to stand up and lay some boundaries. The conversation I had with my Dad after my Mum unexpectedly died 10 years ago went the same way as your one with your Mother, but it came to a head when I pointed out to him the FACTS (btw, they cannot be denied either, that's why people don't like them and very rarely use them). So here is my situation, please feel free to use the template if you want to. Dad - Fact - my whole life I have been a good daughter on the occasions when I rebelled, you punished me because you could. I didn't like it, but I took it. You have bullied me to get me to do what you want my whole life, lied to me when you left Mum, lied to me when she took you back. I can of course remember the 6 times in my 51 years when you were proud of me and told me so and I appreciated it. I am still nothing but a good daughter, but also a good wife, mother and sister, but to be a good daughter who misses her mother, I need a "good" father whose life has changed beyond anything we were prepared for to meet me halfway, respect that although I am still your little girl, I am a grown women who you expect to behave like a woman or a little girl at your will. Most of all I love you Dad, but I don't like your behaviour and what it does to me and now I can choose to receive your punishment or not. Guess what the answer is not. So until you can accept all my facts/truth, I will always be here for you, but not at your beck and call. If you need anything, I expect you to ask me respectfully and I will do my best, but of course, I do understand that it might not be the exact outcome you were demanding, but you can rest assured that I will have put my heart and soul into the decision and this is something I'm working on for me. So Dad, the choice is yours. Ring me whenever you want to under the above terms which as a member of the human race I deserve. Love you. Bye.
My Dad put down the phone and silenced me for 2 days which tbh was utterly liberating, but he did ring me back a changed man - no apology and he could still be a bit of a bully, but I recognised it and stepped back and we developed a much more honest relationship until he died 3 years after my Mum. I was such a good daughter. I'm now having to be a good sister, my brother has cognitive disabilities and therefore can't help some of the stuff he does. In answer to your question about stress and lupus - - yes my GP says there's a connection and has told me in no uncertain terms that unless I relinquish some of the things that I can with regards my brother, like personal care every day, I will get other things that will make me ill and then my brother will have to accept those things, but they won't be done so nicely. I have finally given in after a lot of beating myself up about being a failure, but I am now 62, with Lupus which is so bad at the moment, I'm surprised how I function. The facts - it is ok to stand up for yourself, to have a life and a career you love and if your mother can't accept that, then that is her truth, not yours. You ARE a good daughter, you ARE NOT a doormat. If anything happens to you, she will have to do it herself or steal her "good" daughter from someone or somewhere else.
Lecture over and I hope this helps. Btw, it took me 51 years to get to and losing my mum, my very best friend and ally to the point with my Dad. I'm glad it did - he died with our last conversation full of love and respect and for 3 years, he was a Dad I would've loved for all of the right reasons. Btw he was an amazing Grandad and for that I am very happy with.
That is awesome! Thank you for the great advice! I have told her once or twice that I 48, and this is my time to live my life - she was 48, and she lived hers. It is my turn. She can’t stand not knowing what I am doing at every minute of the day. But, that isn’t right. I am ho e late today from work. I should have called her by now. She is going to be going crazy wondering where I am. I am tired of this. I am 48! I had to go to Costco for my proscription, and get an oil change. No time today to call and tell her what I am eating today. So frustrating. lol
Hi Willow, I agree with what your other respondents have said but I’d like to just add that your stepmom could be suffering from grief after losing her husband. I’ve been on both sides of this scenario as I had a very controlling mother. I did everything for her until she died and I learned that I would never do that to my children. Her situation is not your fault and you must carry on with your own life but try to phone her when you feel strong and happy to give her some comfort. Now I’m 74 and my husband died about the same time as your dad. My children live abroad and sometimes I wish they were closer, but I know they have their own lives and need to get on with them. Fortunately I’m able to be independent and I have good friends who would help if needed, but I do miss my own children.
I hope I never make them feel bad- I don’t phone them as I know they are busy, but they do phone me and I try always to be upbeat on the phone. If I was really unable to cope I would move into a small flat near my friends and pay for help. But I guess your mum is a bit more needy. Please enjoy your life and let go of the stress and guilt. You don’t have to always answer the phone! Or you could say to her, “mum I’m having a hard day and will only chat to you if you are in a good mood!”
Please free yourself from this tyranny- you will never change your mum so you have to change the way she affects you! Be strong and happy then you will feel much healthier x x x
Thank you, and I am so sorry for your loss. I know she is grieving a lot and I feel guilty for that. She is seeing a grief councillor, and told me she said to her she can take as long as she wants to grieve. Which is true. I get that. She speaks like this happened to her, so what am I going to do about it. I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do.
Bless you just look after yourself and be happy. That’s all I want for my children. She will survive and find other ways of coping and other people to lean on. Please don’t waste the best years of your life feeling guilty or miserable. Be YOU and BE HAPPY ❤️🌺🕊
In my experience parents get more demanding and selfish as they get older and you have to set a pattern of interaction that suits you. I usually phoned my mother daily, but made very sure that it wasn't EVERY day nor at the same time of day - to avoid setting up a pattern of expectation.
I also had to get very strict about her phoning me at work - telling her it had to be an emergency as I was 'working' and that if she didn't stick to that I'd have to not answer any calls at all.
My mum had daily carers and I saw her 3 or 4 times a week, doing her shopping, admin, meds etc. With a family and FT work it was very demanding and made me ill. If I had my time again I would prioritise myself and my children.
There is a HUGE difference between "selfishness" and "self care". You're not selfish. You've already given up more for them than most would. There aren't many people on this planet who call their mother every day, especially those who are ill.
I just married in September. I go to a very conservative church with an extremely conservative Pastor. During our premarital counseling, my husband began to chat about where we will live in the future and mentioned that he'd like to get me home near my parents. My pastor chimed in and said, "Normally I wouldn't discourage that, but I happen to know a little bit about her health situation." (Referring to me because I've been a member of the church for 17 years, and I had worked as his secretary for 5 years. During this time, I fell ill with both Lupus and Hashimoto's thyroiditis.)
Our Pastor told my husband, "If you take her there, and she gets involved in caring for her parents, you will take 10 years off her life." He then encouraged us to brainstorm about other ways we could help rather than providing the help ourselves. This came from a man who highly values family and what the Bible has to say about honoring our parents. He knew our marriage and my health would suffer if we moved there. And, yours would too.
Anxiety and stress DEFINITELY affect Lupus. Don't do it. It's time for a LOVING heart-to-heart talk with your mom. She may not realize how unwell you really are. My parents didn't. (I lived 9 hours away, 7 hours now that I moved with my husband.) No matter how much I described it, there was no way they could understand the extent of my overwhelming fatigue, body aches, muscle weakness and brain fog. Try to make her understand your illness, but also the big picture - that she's capable and you JUST started your adult life and career. Assure her that she will be taken care of, and if a legitimate need arises, you will help her. Write a letter if you must, but she needs to know that you will not tolerate being shamed. Technically, this is emotional abuse, and you need to set a boundary with her. Explain this to her, then if she does it, kindly tell her, "Okay mom, I have to hang up now." Then, do it. Some people have said that we need to train other people how to treat us, and it's so true!
You can still be a good daughter by calling her, sending her cards, visiting for holidays, making sure she has everything she needs at home, hiring people to deliver groceries, to clean her home, to make repairs, or whatever else is needed. But, you do NOT have to go there and do all the caregiving yourself. Older people tend to do better the more independent they are, anyway. It's great that she has so many friends and such a good support system. Try to help her to recognize this.
Do not "feel guilty". Guilt is a state of being, NOT a feeling. When we do something wrong and we ARE guilty, we feel shame. You haven't done anything wrong, you are guiltless, and you should NOT be shamed or feel ashamed.
I have Hashimoto’s too. We diagnosed when I was 16. It is so stressful. I think that is why I developed so many pulmonary embolisms in the past year. It fits within the time frame I lost my dad and my mom became so demanding.
Your mom is in grief and it's understandable, but I'd recommend slowly weaning her from these daily calls. Low Dose Naltrexone has helped my Hashimoto's. Please take care of yourself. 😘
You are so right. I think it is so true that my mother doesn’t need to know any more than all is ok. Nothing new to report. I moved away to be more on my own. Calling everyday is not being on my own.
I’m glad you liked the reply I suggested! It works for me!
However, I don’t share ANY info with my mother. If something is NOT going well, that’s not her business either. That info will just give her a new opportunity to tell me how to live my life, and distress about my failings. And report to my sister, who would look for a way to control my life. (A LOT of dis-functionality here!!!!!)
For instance, my parents are not aware that I have LUPUS.
I think that is best for me too. Any information I give her, it is used later on. It has always been that way. I didn’t call today. It is Monday, and she has three friends over Monday nights to play cards. I came home from work and just had time to eat something g small and am in bed for the night. Some days I just can’t last until 6pm.
Hi Willow, of course you’re not horrible for wanting space and sanity and normal human stuff. You’re not horrible for needing limits and boundaries. It sounds like your mother wants more than what you can provide, especially with the flares you have had in the past year.
Can I be frank? It sounds like your mother is guilt-tripping you for not doing even more than you already are. I don’t know you or your mother, or your history, but comparing you to other ‘good daughters’ sounds manipulative to me. You might need to limit your contact with her for a while, maybe not permanently, but just to give yourself some breathing space. She may not understand—she may try to heap more guilt on you for it—but I encourage you to set whatever limits you need to.
Please don’t be afraid to set boundaries with someone like that—even if it is your mother! Your physical and mental health is far too important!
At work they offer counselling for staff if they need it and I am wondering if I should try it. Maybe it will be good to talk about it all and get rid of the guilt, because there is much of it over the years. She kept telling me I owe her when dad is gone. For what? It is not like I have turned my back on her. My dad found out she said this to me and I guess he had a good talk with her - he was angry at her for putting that pressure on me when I was trying to get my life on track. I just don’t know how to talk to her because she has a habit of reacting badly.
Hi Willow, First, yes to considering counseling, but know that it can be stressful at times because it brings up painful things, some of which you may not even be aware of. A good counselor can validate your feelings and that is crucial for your well being. There are no easy fixes for a lifetime of what you have gone through, but having someone objective and supportive lets you know that it is not you and you have a right to your feelings. Your post touched me deeply as I can relate on many levels, so I hope you don't mind me asking a few questions. I may be off base here, but I may have a few answers for you by these questions.
Has your mother always been "all about herself"? - demanding, selfish at times?
Has she been manipulative to get what she wants or claims what she needs?
Is she at times emotional abusive in terms of making people feel like they don't matter or feel bad about themselves?
Was she ever cruel to your father?
When you try to set boundaries, does she pull out all the stops and make you feel more guilty so that you are so miserable, you back down?
Does she not want to support you in what you are going through unless if benefits her in some way?
I can definitely tell you this from what you have said, YOU ARE NOT GUILTY OF ANYTHING! You are a good person. I also know that it is not a question of knowing what you need to do for yourself, you know that, it is the program she has put in your head that gets to you. People that have not gone through what you have and continue to go through with her can't understand how hard it is to break the patterns. I will share more with you if you want. I would like to, but above all, do not want to add any more stress for you. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Hi Willow, yes a counsellor can give you the support you need to set some limits. It sounds like the guilt runs deep. A counsellor can be a good sounding board. Please look after yourself; imagine a life with the breathing space you so need!
Dear Willow, I just joined this forum this morning and read your post. You are absolutely not a horrible person - quite the opposite. Just look at all you've done for your parents all your life. You aren't well yourself - it's time to put yourself first. You can still call her but you are not responsible for her. Please do whatever it takes to put yourself first, treat yourself with kindness and the love you deserve. If you don't put yourself first and take care you'll end up unable to do anything for her or yourself. If she loves you she'll listen and hear that you unwell and need to take good care of yourself.... My best to you, I hope the Lupus settles down soon and you can live in peace.
I really appreciate your kind words. I was feeling like a horrible daughter, and when I call my mother up, and she says those things, it only makes it worse. I have been in a flare since before Christmas, and I think maybe that is why I am so exhausted lately. Today was a long day at work, and I am finally home. I couldn’t get the energy to call her tonight. Just can’t.
Willow, I wrote to you the other day and feel maybe I should explain more of where I was coming from. AT any point if you want to skip some of this, just go down to the last paragraph.
My mother manipulated my whole family and growing up, my brother and I were confused, didn't know what was normal or not and were always trying to do what she wanted and please her and nothing was ever enough. We blocked out much of our childhood and never even talked to each other about her as she made sure of that. My dad did the same. When my dad died everything escalated. The calls got crazier to me, suicide threats, blaming me for my dad dying (he had cancer). As I would drive home from work, I would dread getting home anticipating the next scary phone call. I tried to support her, let her say whatever cruel things she said. For a time I broke off all communication with her and let her know why. I was in counseling. Then I was diagnosed with lupus and my brother thought she should know. So I agreed and reopened the door. I know I was hoping she would be the caring mother. That it not how it went. Her main comment was at least it won't kill you and when ever I disagreed with her or tried to stand up for myself, it was because the disease was affecting my mind. I could say more about this, but the main point, I still didn't have a sympathetic mom. Through a strange mishap, she supposedly fell and a person had come to the house and called an ambulance. My mother refused to go to the hospital and this agency she was involved with took charge and she was taken to a nursing home to be checked out. My brother and I both lived out of town so we were informed by the agency. This is when she got totally out of control. The minute anyone told her what to do, she became uncontrollable, violent, cruel, etc. She tried to bite, swore at people, spit on nurses, said horrible things. It is not that we hadn't witnessed incidents like this, but couldn't imagine she would do this to others and then we would always let her have her way. The nurses were trying to help her and didn't have that option. My mother was the brightest person I have known so she then started to figure out ways to control her situation. Her acting out endangered others. She was evaluated in a psych ward and now here she is at 94 and there is an explanation for all the years that never made any sense for our family. She was diagnosed with narcisstic and borderline personality disorder. The staff helped us to understand what had been going on all of our lives and that none of it was our fault. It was good to have some validation, but I continue to struggle from years of emotional abuse. My mom had to go to another facility that was better able to address her specific needs. My mom passed this September at 98 - still sound of mind and causing chaos at the facility whenever she could. I hope she is at peace now. I still wish it had been different.
I am not saying your mom suffers from a psychological disorder, but I can say that her behavior is hurtful for your well being and that is why your post deeply affected me. I apologize for all this long post, but after spending my whole life trying to get love, respect, feeling like I mattered, etc., I don't want that for you. It is so obvious that you are a caring person and have been a wonderful daughter. You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about and deserve so much more. You are only 48 and should have so much more to look forward to. Yes, the illness is there, but the stress and sadness you are constantly going through makes it worse. A good counselor could help be invaluable. Please do whatever you can to at least take breaks from her.
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