Well how to start the day of the other day I was on here letting everyone know how low I was and how alone I was feeling and my hubby was not supporting me well, guy's now I know why as of last night we had a massive argument and it all came out here goes am sorry if this is unacceptable on this site but have no one else to talk to.
1, All my illness he didn't sign up for and can not cope and after going to doctors on Tuesday found out that there is something going wrong with my stomach so having to see a gastro medical Dr at the hospital so he not happy with that either.
2, That for the past few months he has not wanted to be near me or cuddle me because he has not loved me for awhile now I knew there was something wrong for awhile now but just couldn't put my finger on it first I thought he was having an affair but not that then last night whilst we had a massive argument he told me and omg I am in so much pain my head really hurts not slept at all my body is so sore. And he also told me that he is so fed up of going to work and coming home to help to pay all the bills he made it out like he was the only one working I have only just stopped past week. And early hours this morn I got to a very very low point were I was going to take all my painkillers and to be honest I still feel that way now .He said he was sorry for saying it and he didn't mean it but it's in my head now and I can't get it out I look at him and I see nothing just someone whom said in sickness and in health till death do us part but never really ment it so now I don't know what to do as he wants me to forgive him but yet he has now got me to this stage of wanting to end my life, I can't stand the thought of having to start all new again I made this home me because he can not decorate at all I dealt with everything but now I need him he does this.
Can anyone help me please I amback at my Dr today so going to let her know
Written by
smurf45
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
I am really sorry to read about your situation and what your going through in addition to your illnesses.
Sounds like he was lashing out and scared tbh. I think it is best to let tempers settle and then talk and the best thing is to speak openly about the mesages you are getting from him and his behaviour and how this makes you feel. Give him a chance to be honest and open about how he feels too. From this you can try to move forward. With you out of work , it has hit a realisation upon him .....more responsibility especially financial and it could be he is just worried. Please try to talk to him but get some sleep first. Do not take the pills , it is a difficult time just now and it will pass to better days soon I hope. Please hang in there best you can . X
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please hang in there!! Talk to your doctor today about how you are feeling - I felt like taking all my pain meds the other week when I felt really low and I phoned the Samaritans which was actually really great. Then they told me to call my GP so I did and she was helpful. I realised that there was help and support out there to help through the really dark days. I agree with what Fibo Warrior has said - let tempers cool off and talk later when you both had a chance to clear your head. I'm sure he's just scared. There's nothing wrong with asking for relationship support either while you both adjust to you being so unwell. Then you'll have a 'safe' envirnoment to be really honest with each other and share your fears. Take good care of yourself.
Sorry to hear that things have gotten worse for you. Please do not think it is the end, it's not. It's the beginning of the next chapter, you are much stronger than you believe. Once it sinks in properly that he no longer loves you it makes you want to show how much you don't need him. I was unable to forgive my husband and told him I wanted to live my own life, it was so difficult at first but I have survived and he hasn't been part of my life for 9 years now. He went to see a solicitor but I didn't I did get what I wanted money wise and the few bits and pieces that were important to me. Go to the doctor and if necessary take the anti depressants they will help a little. Make a list or a plan, such as housing - is he leaving or you? The council will give you something and it can't be a hostel as you are ill and have medical problems. Get in touch with the CAB they will help you with the council and claiming benefits.
Ending a marriage is never easy, I was married for 19 years but all these years later I am in a better place without him.
It may not be what you want and you may decide to stay with him and the thoughts of what he said will always be there. You can forgive but never forget and during arguments you will throw it back at him.
I wish you well whatever your decision and I'm always here if you want someone to talk to xx
People say hurtful things when they are scared , worried, or just angry with the situation they are in - just put it all to one side for the moment get some rest - or do something that occupies the mind - you both need to sit down calmly and chat - I know you are coping with this awful illness but he is too - best of luck tomorrow always looks better😊 neese
So very sorry to hear this. People do say things in the heat of the moment that they don't mean, maybe he's overwhelmed and confused about his feelings. He sounds like he's not coping either.
I'm glad that you're seeing dr and talking to her, I really do hope she gets you both counciling!
If not maybe you could look up someone locally to council you both?
Oh my dear Smurf45, I really feel for you. We don't seem to talk as much about our partner relationship s as our pain. Believe me when I say that the hardest thing is trying to make adjustments to changes relating to health whilst dealing with our partners struggle to also manage what is happening to their world which has changd and theyfeel out of control and trying to find a solution for our ails. Its very tough road for both of you. You both need support and help from one another and probably professionals. Many of us have had these type of difficulties because of this illness. I do hope you had a good session with your doctor? I am so glad you reached out. Well done.
Hallo smurf45, I hope your doctor was supportive and things at home are calmer now. As the others have said, things get said in the heat of the moment. Time heals, and forgiveness is your strength whatever happens. I can recommend relationship counselling, and hope you feel clearer in your mind as to your next steps now.
That's so sad hun. It is such a gut wrenching feeling. Words don't really describe it, I know. You wouldn't be the first woman to want to end it all because of a man. You can't do that though. That would be too good for him. Don't you give him the satisfaction. It's too raw to understand just now, but the best thing you can do is to show him what he's missing.
You need time to grieve. When you loose the man you once loved more than life itself then it is a kind of grief. Allow yourself some time and most importantly be kind to yourself. If you need company then get friends/family round you. If you'd rather be on your own then that's ok too.
Take care of you and your health. That should be your no1 priority just now. When you feel strong enough that will be the time to think about what you want. Big hugs xx🐸
sorry you are going through this. I really do feel your pain & I thinks it's worse than an affair. My x hub of 25yrs was like that with me. It took a long time 30yrs ago to diagnose Fibro and he used to tell me, I was always Ill, always sleeping or tired, I was lazy (even though I was really struggling with 3 kids, a 7 bed house & a full time job, oh & college lol.
Best thing in the world I ever did was leave him, started another new life & loved it.
Got in relationship for 7 yrs & worked part time because my health was suffering still. Eventually I had 3 mths off work & OMG this wonderful man turned into a monster when there was no money coming in & panicked that, God forbid I was going to expect him to keep me lol..anyway that ended badly.
I am now man less & happy, sleep when I want, moan when I want & don't have to worry about money really, have a nice car so when I feel well enough I can go where I want & see who the he'll I want ☺
That, easier said than done and a very stressful, painful, sad option and If it was me now, I would talk and you will know if he is extremely sorry & didn't really mean it, maybe try to move on & as someone else said, maybe he is scared for the future and finance etc.
He probably is feeling a bit resentful about it all & you need to talk to decide how to move on because if he is going to stay with you he needs to be supporting you not making you feel worse and that's exactly what all this stress will do.
It's a lot of thought and a lot of talking to do & I wish you well in whatever you choose to do.
I have read your post with so much pain and sorrow for the turmoil that you must be feeling right now? I want to genuinely and sincerely wish you all the best of luck with whatever you decide to do, and please take care of yourself.
All my hopes and dreams for you
Ken
PS. I sincerely hope that your doctors appointment went well for you and that you had time to discuss everything that you needed to with the doctor.
I am so sorry for you both its not easy iv been going through a bad time and did not know wot to do I also was going to take all my tablets but whent to the doctors she sed she never seen me look so bad I am still trying to get though all my problems hope all goes well for you x
I have been through this and hopefully in time in time. He will realise how horrible Sounds hang on in there
It's because I hung on...I can tell you from experience
Edited By Admin
'Years ago I asked can you not just support me!!! This was early on when your going from one consultant to the other?
I say early on but was 3 years in
He said I have no support left in me! 'What!!! I felt like nothing!!! All my friends seemed to disappear at that time too so that was nice!!
We actually split but I wouldn't move out to tell the truth I didn't have the energy to.
I seriously considered ending it I actually told my doctor went to counselling, after a couple of sessions she actually said i can see why you are feeling this way. I never went again. I started taking fish oils epa threw the antidepressants out. I still take my pain meds just not the antidepressants.
My husband actually became more supportive When we were split up. Once he knew that was it I didn't actually have to move out to split up. So didn't have to answer to him. I couldn't go anywhere didn't have the energy but felt better for sticking up for myself.
I think because the pressure was off.
He become supportive he became my best friend (My only friend) we even went on holiday together we were split up for almost three years in time he has seen me struggle on & he says feels bad now. He's very sorry he treated me this way
I'm sure he'll come through for you. It seems as if he is feeling resentful against you when he should really be resenting the illnesses themselves.
You both have to go through a grieving process we all do! its tragic stripping away the life you had, living the life you are given. While living in constant pain not knowing which way to turn. Being told all your tests are ok they can't cope.
I think because we really want them to believe us when it seems nobody else will. We go on and on about our illnesses fibro cfs stomach head feet anxiety shoulders knees and toes haha ect ect...& it really gets on their nerves which I can understand. But we end up sending ourselves dingy just trying to get someone to believe us. Hopefully this time will pass for you both & you can work through it together. In the meantime there is no shortage of fibro peeps who will comfort you and throw their butterfly wings tightly around you.
So sorry to hear this and you're having a hard time. It will be hard for your husband to accept this, and yes he didn't sign for you having firbo, but neither did you.
It is hard for our loved ones, however, I sometime they can be very insensitive at times.
My husband and I have moments like you have just hard times. I say to him I understand you didn't sign up for this, but neither did I. I know I'm not the woman you fell in love with, but I'm not the person I was and want to be.
He usually says it's not me, and he loves me, and I know he does,. He says he gets angry at the firbo, and feeling inadequate as he doesn't know what to do to ease my pain.
I tell him just don't takes his frustration out on me , he needs to be calm .
We do talk via text, when things get bad, then when things calm down we talk. I hope this helps. Sending you gentle hugs
When people are angry and frustrated they tend to use whatever ammunition they have in the heat of the moment , they don't think they just boil over .
sometimes what they say doesn't even make sense , chances are he is finding watching you be unwell just as frustrating as you are , it's taken the woman he loves and changed her .
what he needs to realise is how much you are the victim in all this .
you didn't ask to be unwell , you didn't sign up for it either, if you had a choice obviously you wouldn't be.
How would he of felt if someone had of hit you before his feelings were mixed up ... he would of been enraged !
He should feel the same about your illness . Life has hit you he should be angry at the illness not you .
First and foremost do NOT blame yourself .
People find it hard to comprehend the fact that it's harder to be confined to a home or a bed than it is going out to work .
They don't understand how frustrating it is for you . the boredom , the illness consuming your every thought , the stress, the money problems .
IT'S NOT FUN NOT WORKING !
looking after yourself becomes your full time job .
I can't really offer any sage advice but ive been through this on a lesser scale
I was with my X for 10 years and she ripped my heart out because of my illness .
she guilt tripped me and i spent years blaming myself that i couldn't work and that couldn't go out and do normal couple things . It ripped me apart inside enough as it was knowing these things because i really did love her and i wanted a normal relationship more than anything . but she made it 1000x worse by rubbing it in my face and using it as ammunition for every single friggin argument
In the end i got so depressed about it i started to push her away because i resented the way she resented me . it poisoned everything .
I rolled on my belly and submitted to it because i'm a big softy , i figured in the end it would be kinder to just let her go so she could have a " Normal partner "
I'm not suggesting that's what you do by any means .
Hopefully your partner has the maturity my partner lacked and will start to see things from your perspective .
I am going to be brutally honest though , if he can't handle you on your bad days , he doesn't deserve you on your good days
Please do not do anything drastic , because no matter what the outcome , all the time there is life in your body there is a chance at a happier tomorrow .
I am so so sorry about how you feel and what you are going thought ( you made me cry as I feel your pain ) please try and be carm please talk to your doctor about the way you are feeling and hope they can help you. I do help you feel a little better now talking about it.
I think men do find it hard to deal with illness, they don't know what to say or do and worry as much as we do even if don't show it. Like us, sometimes a new situation will shock them and they take time to get their heads around it too.
If they apologise that's good, have a good cry together and try to be brave for them.
I find the pain does recede from time to time (or I deal with it better) so just make the most of the better days. It's a nuisance having to rest so much but it does pay off. I try to stay mentally active if can't do so much physically. Force meself to go out for a walk a couple of times a week and rest before and after.. Distraction's a good thing. Got a good physio at the mo and going for counselling next week to see if anything lurking in there that could be adding to stress.
Apparently the body is amazing at producing endorphins so try to eat well, milk before bed for the triptophan (probably spelled that wrong). Some people take 5HTP or summat like that, others thyroid extract if that is a bit low. If you get thyroid check ask for copy of printout as can be lower limits and that might be enough to affect things, everyones different.
There's a heck of a lot of people out there going through similar stuff and trying all sorts of things. One lady reckoned she'd had it since childhood, used to get labelled clumsy or lazy so diagnosis made things fall into place even if it was a shock. She's always gone to gym as finds the endorphins help and to empower herself and runs a local self-help group. There seems to be a lot of humour in their meetings. I do stuff to cheer meself up, if got to rest try to watch a bit of comedy or something arty, anything that lifts you or relaxes. Have a good moan, let others help you and always say thanks even if you feel like rubbish.
Oo and I was surprised to hear that men get it too and suffer hot sweats like us poor women with menopause..it's to do with low ?dopamine I think. I found HRT helped but I wonder if it's thrown my other chemicals out of balance..dunno what an endocrinologist would suggest but I'm very cautious about taking strong antidepressants (tried St Johns Wort?) or strong painkillers every day cos they can be moreish. I have co-codamol every now and then when it all gets too much or need to catch up on sleep.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Living with teenagers!
Occupational Health - Is it worth it?
Experiences with a chiropractor and is it worth it? 
Living with fibromyalgia 
my life: garylouise get a life
