The feeling

[pink_lemon]

Firstly, I want to say how incredibly blessed and grateful I am for having our first double rainbow ivf baby, who is sleeping next to me. Ever since he was born we want a sibling for him. We planned it, everything is ready and now is the time to call the clinic and start the FET cycle. We have one euploid embryo (also one untested, which makes me nervous after going through two miscarriages). We never really planned for a second baby, the second embryo was meant to be a back up if the first one did not make it for some reason. My fertility is at its end and I am not very hopeful that we would be able to get another healthy embryo if the one from the freezer does not work (hence the back up!). Anyway. When I went for the first FET, deep down I knew it was going to work. But now, I feel it is not going to be the case. To the point I am scared making the call. Once there is a BFN, our chances are close to none. I am afraid of getting to that point. I want the second baby more than I wanted the first one, and at the same time, if it does not work, we will hug and love our son and be forever grateful for him. It is a strange feeling, having to cross that bridge with fear.

Not really a question, just a vent to hopefully feel better…and if there is anyone out there in similar situation, you are not alone…

[SianieShorts]

firstly, congratulations on your baby boy!

I can definitely relate to how you are feeling, though our journeys are quite different.

We were lucky enough to fall pregnant with our first round of IVF back in 2017 and have a beautiful boy-now 4 years old.

We have since had 4 other transfers in the search of a sibling, with no success.

We do have 3 in the freezer but I am now 40 and as my little one is growing up, I wonder how long we can keep trying. Our last fresh round was supposed to be the last and yet here we are again!

We are the success stories! We have our miracles and I hold on to that every day but it doesn’t take away the fact that having a second child is totally out of our control and we shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting that.

I feel while there are embryos there, there is still hope but scared to use them and then have none!

Sending hope and a hug to you xx

[pink_lemon in reply to SianieShorts]

Hi Sianie,

Thank you for replying. As you say, it is a strange combination of gratitude for what we have with feeling completely out of control of our fertility yet again.

I wish you for one of your frosties to be the sibling you long for. xxx

[lmno]

I can relate to this a lot - there's such a lot of different feelings involved in this process. For me one of the things I'm finding hard about trying for a second (again) is trying to figure out how and when to stop trying if it's unsuccessful when it's something you want so much. I think I had expected to feel that the stakes were lower this time, but I don't think hope (and grief) works like that and let's be honest by the time you've committed to more fertility treatment you are already incredibly emotionally invested. We're in a similar position in that my AMH is now very low and our chances of success are getting pretty small. One thing I've found helpful recently was a chat with my counsellor (connected with our clinic) who challenged me gently when I was talking about being sure this round wouldn't work and worrying about how I would cope. She helped me to see that I had already convinced myself that it wasn't going to work and was living in fear of how that would feel and how I would cope, but that that hadn't actually happened yet and I can choose to balance those thoughts with the potential of a positive outcome. I don't know why, but it seems to have made a difference so far in this cycle for me. Wishing you all the very best xx

[pink_lemon in reply to lmno]

thank you for replying. Same here, very low amh. I am already so lucky to have had one baby. The extra embryos (and one euploid!) are an extra add on we got as a special gift when trying for no1. Thank you for sharing what your counsellor says. I do have a bit of hope but the daunting feeling of already having had all the luck of the world is there still. But mainly I want to say, I feel the comment on when is the time to stop. And it is similar whether you are trying for no1 or 2…or 3…it is HARD to call it a day. My counsellor who was helping me to get through the anxiety of the first trimester of pregnancy also did many rounds of ivf to have her 2nd baby. And she made a good point. She said it is easier to keep going then to stop. When you keep going, you still have hope. But it takes a lot of strength to stop and let go of the hope. All the best with your cycle. xxx