"I fear The Treadmill more than a painful death. Moreso that it will cause one."

[PaulS83]

Now that the dust has settled along my W5R3 route and the birds have plucked up the nerve to return to their perches, and I've found a spare 20 minutes to tip tap away on the keyboard, I guess it's time to reflect.

I spent the day Friday geeing myself up for the big two-zero, trying to get myself in the mindset.

'Tee' minus one hour was like pilots going through their pre-flight checklist. "Hydration? Check. Wiggled legs all day to keep them loose? Check."

'Tee' minus ten minutes was an intense pep talk.

"Paul, this is the big one. You've been building up to it. You've got to remember to go slow."

Mhmm...

"Paul! Concentrate! You're aiming for a conversational pace."

Yiiip...

"You just need to poodle along. It's about duration. Find that slower rhythm. Embrace that inner snail. You ready? Good. Go!"

Vooooooooosssshhhhh!

"PAUL! FOR THE LOVE OF...! WHAT DID WE JUST SAY?"

3.6km in 20 minutes. 5:36min/km. After everything. Idiot!

In my defence...which, admittedly, is shoddier than a murderer caught with a blood drenched axe...my splits tell me this is my natural pace:

1st) 5:41, 2nd) 5:36, 3rd) 5:36, 4th) 5:31

So at least I'm consistently ignorant and I'm not just wheel-spinning away like a seventeen-year-old in a Vauxhall Nova only to pull up halfway down the road with the engine smoking...like a seventeen-year-old in a Vauxhall Nova. I am actually holding this pace. But how long can I stretch it out for?

Crucially, what I'm not doing is sticking to the conversational pace rule. If that's what I'm aiming for, I've not even proverbially peppered the cork around the dartboard with a couple of well intended efforts. I've just gone and slung one straight into someone's pint. In a completely different pub.

I think the recommendation of "being able to hold a conversation" is like a funny look test to do with maintaining an aerobic heartrate. This is a bit of an abstract concept for me as I don't do chit-chat at the best of times, let alone when I'm gasping for breath...

At the pace I'm running, I can maintain this so called "conversational pace" for about five minutes before I start puffing. Five minutes later, I start inadevertently blowing spit everywhere like a malfunctioning bubble machine whilst exhaling through my mouth. Five minutes later than that and I feel like I want to vomit.

I've concluded that the only way I'm going to be able to train my body to find its slower rhythm is on...

...The Treadmill...

*shudder*

I fear The Treadmill more than a painful death. Moreso that it will cause one. Whenever I visualise it, it's spotlit in the middle of an abandoned warehouse. A rat scurries in front of it as I approach.

It fills me with more horror than that nightmare I have where I'm kissing Alexandra Daddario and she lifts up a latex mask to reveal that she's actually Simon Cowell. And then a second head pops up out of nowhere and it's Louis Walsh who, inexplicably, has been surgically conjoined on at the neck.

I have weird dreams.

My fear comes from the fact that I'm ridiculously clumsy. Carrying a tray of drinks is more perilous than rolling around in entrails and then slapping a Lion's arse. The Treadmill scares me to death. I have visions of falling over and getting hurled backwards across the gym and impaled up the nethers by a dumbell. Or barbell. I can never remember which one's which. The small one. Well, I hope it'd be the small one anyway.

This, for me, seems to be unavoidable. Much more of a likely outcome than simply going for a gentle run. What's the worst than can happen when I'm careering along outside? I trip and fall and leave an impact crater that has geologists theorising for years about the great, mysterious Gosport meteor. At least in this scenario, nothing gets surgically extracted and I'm not wasting my breath trying to convince A&E nurses that I don't have a penchant for steel rods.

But for the good of my health (and the sanity or certain Paul-weathered readers) I will give it a shot.

I'll wait for W6R3 though. Less upping and downing on the buttons. Less potential.

After running on Friday evening, I spent the day Saturday lifting and shifting. I'm losing a cubby-hole-cum-toolstore-cum-workshop that I've been renting for a few years and that has somehow become a treasure trove of anything you can imagine that's heavy. It's like I've got an anvil fetish. It took three of us seven hours to move all the equipment. It's now Monday afternoon and I'm still aching and shaking.

I'm in two minds whether to start my W6 tonight or not. My body is doing everything it can to catch my attention and give me the time-out hand gesture, but I'm spitefully ignoring it. The problem is that if I miss tonight, I'll throw my schedule for the entire week.

I've taken the day off on Friday and managed to reschedule my Mizuno Vimove analysis to that morning. I'm sure I'll be walking out with some perceived super shoes that I won't be able to wait to try out so I want to be doing my third run straight after that. Plus I'm sure it'll be a quiter period in the gym, so at least I can impale myself in relative privacy. If I don't get out until tomorrow, this will push me into the weekend and I need my legs this weekend for wife pleasing (shopping).

Maybe I'll just try and go gentle tonight...

"OK, Paul."

Paul nods enthusiastically whilst rigorously chewing on gum.

Happy running you bunch of charmers!

[Buddy34 Graduate]

Ha ha funny post just keep going and try the treadmill and see if you like it at all failing that you'll just have to get back out there good luck

[PaulS83 in reply to Buddy34]

I’m sure there’ll be no “liking”, I’m just hoping we can abide each other and that neither of us end up mortally wounded. Not much to ask.

[SeeJillRun Graduate]

I have no sage advice unfortunately but you have my sympathy. I too am an inherently clumsy person n I couldn’t even deal with the treadmill for gait analysis purposes, so the thought of 30 minutes on one doesn’t sit well. Luckily I have no issues going slow. Hope you manage to get it all figured out without doing yourself a mischief!

[PaulS83 in reply to SeeJillRun]

I’ve completely forgotten that this Mizuno Vimove thingy is treadmill based. Oh, God! That’s a baptism of fire that I didn’t need. I hope the shop’s empty. Well, if it is t it soon will be when I start bouncing about like a loosely lashed load.

[ktsok Graduate in reply to PaulS83]

Compression pants, Paul.

[SeeJillRun Graduate in reply to PaulS83]

I’m sure they’ll be used to it lol. I couldn’t even walk on it properly 😂

[E27M14 Graduate]

I’m facing the treadmill for the first time tonight and this post has not made me feel any better about it! Although it did make me laugh!! I’m away from home for work, don’t really want to run on my own, in the dark, in a strange place which is very hilly so hotel gym it must be 😱

[ktsok Graduate in reply to E27M14]

Good luck!

[PaulS83 in reply to E27M14]

Good luck! I’ve decided to go armed. I’ve fashioned a hook on a stick that I can use as a de-plugger if things start to go awry. Let me know how you get on and I’ll gauge my fears.

[E27M14 Graduate in reply to PaulS83]

I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The “gym” at the hotel is a room with a few bits of equipment that look older than me, and some weights and things piled around. There was one guy in there alone and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it!! If I’m going to embarrass myself I want to be alone or ‘invisible’ in a crowd. Not one-to-one with someone watching me! Hope your gym of choice is less dodgy!

[Shelley2310 Graduate]

Sorry I can’t give a sensible reply I’m laughing too much....added to the fact I’m trying to explain to my other half that the reason I’m laughing out loud so much, is because I can actually imagine you impaled on barbell....🤣🤣

[PaulS83 in reply to Shelley2310]

I will go with a small frying pan slipped down the back of my trousers for...protection.

[ktsok Graduate]

🙄

Yeah, go smash it Paul!

🤦🏼‍♀️

Well... perhaps you can keep it up for 30 minutes without your knee giving way... what was it you were aiming to do? 10k? So less than an hour at that pace...

🙂

[PaulS83 in reply to ktsok]

Whenever I get an email these days saying, “ktsok responded to...”, my bum does a little nervous pinch.

What I’m hoping to achieve on the Treaders is to set it to a slow pace and teach myself to run at that rhythm. I’m a special case. Literally.

Have you got any ideas what I should be setting it to at this point? 8min/k?

[ktsok Graduate in reply to PaulS83]

Sphincter Kate, that’s me.

I have absolutely no idea what pace you should set it at. Unnatural things, dreadmills. If you can sing five verses of Nellie the Elephant, out loud, so people at the back of the gym can hear you, that should be your marker.

[PaulS83 in reply to ktsok]

🤣🤣🤣

Please tell me that no one has EVER called you S... I can’t even keep the phone still enough to type that while I’m laughing!

I only know the first verse, so I’ll put that on loop.

[AlMorr Ambassador Graduate]

A really good and amusing story from you Paul, but wait a minute, your times are amazing, at the speed and pace you are going, there is a good chance that you will be among the 10% of C25K runners who have managed to complete R3W9 in less than 30 minutes when they graduate 🎓

As for the treadmill, well we all call that the DREADMILL😂here on C25K, if you went to the gym you could be on one and as you say 'get impaled on a dumbbell', or you could get entangled on top of a pull up bar😢,I think you should keep to running 🏃 outside. Onwards and upwards to week 6 run 1 but be careful about that run as it catches out some people with the interval walks🚶and runs 🏃

[PaulS83 in reply to AlMorr]

Don’t encourage me! I’ll be the first C25K runner to have a heart attack during W9R3 at this rate! I want to go straight on to 10K so I really need to learn some new gears. But thanks!

[Jell6 Graduate]

Funny 🤣🤣

I admire people who can use a treadmill, I can't. I seem to have some spatial awareness/perception issues and fall over.

As a much younger person who had to walk through a rotating barrel ( think Olivia Newton John), I caused a bit of a stir as , unable to stand up in it, I was thrown around as if in a tumble dryer.

They had to stop it and carry me out. Not so O N J !

Even on my gait analysis the physio had to get her receptionist to hold a folder under my chin to stop me looking down as I kept staggering 😕

So I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

[Kertesz in reply to Jell6]

Funny!! 😂...

[PaulS83 in reply to Jell6]

Whenever I watch that scene, I look at ONJ and think, oh God! What ‘ave those greasers done to you? You’re killing your father! And then I just sing along.

I can imagine being spat out of it though!

I’ll remember your treadmill trick and go armed with a lever arch file.

[Jell6 Graduate in reply to PaulS83]

Did you ever see Eric Morecambe put his hand under Ernies chin and say "Get out of that!"?

That is how I felt 🤣🤣

[Kertesz]

I don’t really mind whether you slow down or not... just keep writing, because your stories are making my day!! 😂

[Shelley2310 Graduate in reply to Kertesz]

I thought the same 😂😂

[PaulS83 in reply to Kertesz]

I’ll do my best to keep up the misadventures

[Saltdog Graduate]

Excellent post! If you have access to Spotify, it's worth looking up their running playlists. They have songs measured on BPM and I find it really useful to maintain my pace by running in time to the beat.

[PaulS83 in reply to Saltdog]

I’ll bear that in mind. I’m not really sure what I should be aiming for BPM-wise. Probably half of what I’m getting.

[Saltdog Graduate in reply to PaulS83]

For reference, I currently run at 4.7km/hr and have my playlist on 160-165bpm tracks. I know they go up to about 200bpm so might just need a bit of trial and error. Good luck!

[cheekychipmunks Graduate]

No useful advice Paul, except to say that I now have a visual of you that I can’t shake from my mind. 🤣

Treadmills are boring as. Oh sooooo boring. And that’s with the one I occasionally use being a state of the art one, with pretty locations to pick from on the screen. 😩

And the heat! 🥵 🥵 🥵 I don’t drip as a rule, but I do on the treadmill.

Set the machine slow, get yourself a killer playlist, run and make it be over.

Have fun! I’m sure you’ll send us a post mortem (not yours though please!) 😳

[Gingerca Graduate]

😂😂😂 That's my treadmill you're looking at! 😂😂😂