Supporting parents

[SmilesMickey]

Hi all, I'm new here and am seeking support on how to be of help to my parents in IL while I'm in IA, as my Dad (who is a kidney transplant recipient) skin cancer gets progressively worse, and my mom (who was Dad's donor) is in denial that she is depressed and is in need of help.

In 2003 Mom donated a kidney to Dad. Dad has Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD). Through the transplant process we learned my brother also has PKD. Within the past 5 years, with Dad's immune system being so low, the skin cancer has been been gradually making itself more known. With each new area that pops up the cuts to get it out have been slightly deeper and wider. Dad has shared his concerns with his doctor and has started wondering if there is a way to slightly adjust his meds so the progression of the skin cancer slows a bit. Unfortunately, the doctor hasn't entertained this and Dad is considering seeking services with a different hospital/transplant team in IL. As a result, Dad's 'transplant team' currently doesn't have a social worker connected with it and Dad just changed insurance so he needs to make sure that is he is transferring to another hospital with his needs, that they are approved by insurance.

Meanwhile, COVID hit and Mom's paranoia for Dad's health has drastically increased. Though she still goes grocery shopping with a mask and gloves (and then changes her clothes as soon as she gets home and wipes everything bought down), she has refrained from seeing anyone that may have been vaccinated but haven't gotten their booster. This includes my pregnant sister-in-law (vaccinated but no booster), my brother (vaccinated but no booster) and my niece (is 1.5 years old). If i visit my brother and his family, I'm not allowed to also visit my parents because Mom feels that I'm 'contaminated' (even though I am vaccinated and boostered). She doesn't associate with family or friends outside of the house nor does she allow anyone over. She doesn't go for walks in the neighborhood, going on any sort of quick outing anywhere gives her anxiety, and even if someone has taken a couple COVID tests, wears a mask and uses hand sanitizer, she won't be around them. She even refused my brother (and his family) from going to our parents' house when my brother's furnace broke and it was -20 out. Additionally, she doesn't do therapy, she doesn't feel that she is depressed, she is working through accepting that she is in retirement (as of May 2021), doesn't have any hobbies, won't help my brother out with watching my niece, and pretty much just sits and messes with her phone all day, naps, eats and takes care of the dog. My parents use to be very active with the Polycystic Kidney Foundation and with the National Kidney Foundation but since COVID hit they haven't done anything with either. Lastly, Mom presently has really no response regarding the fact that my brother (and his family) are officially moving to New York before the end of the year. This is happening because Mom (specifically) isn't helping with my niece and soon to be nephew, like she initially said she would because she is too paranoid about COVID, and won't even visit my brother's house if she and they are wearing masks. My sister-in-law's family is based in New York and will be able to provide greater supports to my brother's family.

With all of this said, how do you be of support to someone who is in denial of depression and in denial that they are limiting their life experiences due to being overly paranoid? (Side Note: Dad goes out to the stores and associates with others in small groups, wears a mask and uses hand sanitizer regularly. He still lives his life and takes precautions to stay safe.) How do we not isolate Mom even though she has pulled away so much from all the relationships that she has had and she refuses to talk about her thoughts, concerns and has no interest in wanting to be cautious while still experiencing life?

Anyone else experience something similar or do you have thoughts on how to approach this topic with Mom? Would an intervention (of some sort) help? (She won't even talk with her pastor about everything!)

Any feedback, resources, suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[FredaE]

oooooh you have got a problem haven't you"

usually you get a fast reply on here but i think we are all rather at a loss

The only preliminary thing i can say is that she is right in thinking that she is not safe. No one is but we have to find better ways of dealing with it.

She obviously has too much to cope with and emotionally she needs time to come to terms with it all- which is no help to you.

The other thing is that you can't make people be sensible - just wait for them to want to change. otherwise you will find yourself pushing a brick wall trying to help

[SmilesMickey in reply to FredaE]

Thanks so much for your response. I really do appreciate it. The hard part is that she is missing out on so much with the family, especially with my young niece and soon to be nephew. It also pains me that my brother's family doesn't have the supports that he thought he was going to have in IL, raising his kids. And I can't help but wonder if my niece and nephew will grow up wondering why their grandparents weren't part of their holiday celebrations, birthdays and other special moments (during their early years of life).

I 100% agree that it is possible to 'lead a horse to water but you can't force them to drink' - such is the case with Mom.

Additionally, I 100% get that she wants to keep Dad safe; I want to too. Even though it's scary to think that ourselves and our loved ones will die (and we don't want to be the cause of their death), is it logical to do so at the expense of refraining from living life, having a variety of experiences, and destroying relationships?

In the meantime, while we all wait for Mom to have her 'light bulb moment' and I personally struggle with not resenting her for her choices, and I struggle with having any sort of connection with her since she chooses to have no real connections in day to day life. Thankfully, I'm a seeing a therapist and we are working on the aforementioned. Additionally, Dad, my brother and sister-in-law, all find comfort in our discussions, sharing our frustrations, and extending support to one another despite what's going on with Mom.

Again, thank you for your thoughts and for responding to my post.

[thara9643]

Get a care needs assessment done. Then go from there.

[SmilesMickey in reply to thara9643]

Thanks for the suggestion. How do you go about getting one accomplished? Is there someone specific to contact?

[thara9643 in reply to SmilesMickey]

no but good luck

[Treedpossum]

I think your mum is actually being mostly rational! If you afraid of dying you do work hard to avoid it.

It takes time to get used to the idea that being out of doors won't expose you to covid. That it's possible to do some things and still be safe.

A whole generation of vulnerable seniors has locked themselves away to try to stay alive. Many do struggle with anxiety disorders making it hard to go outside or around people since covid terror.

That said I find it interesting that you and your family feel she is being paranoid! You really all think she should risk her/Dad's life to have physical people contact? Surely there are safer and therefore more sensible ways to stay in touch?

It seems like you disregard her fears because you disagree with her concepts of exactly what is risky. It might be important for you to accept her beliefs and concerns instead of focussing on changing them.

If you accept how she sees things you may be able to share time with her focussed on talking about other things.