Really I just need to vent right now, I’m a carer for my grandmother who suffers from dementia. It’s 1am and I’m awoken to noise downstairs, turns out my gran had gotten out of bed and gone downstairs and rifling through the cupboards, she wanted a drink of tea and blatantly in no other words told me to F*** off when I suggested she needed to go back to bed. Anyway I go to get my dressing gown only to come back with her siting at the table with an open can of DOG food trying to eat it. I quickly take it away from her and once again she yells at me calling me names and telling me what a horrid person I was. Finally I “convinced” her to go back upstate (code for me literally blacking her way back to the kitchen. Anyway she goes back to bed but not before giving me another verbal beating, telling me she hopes I die falling down the stairs and that I’m a wicked person.
And I’m ashamed to admit it but as I was getting her up the stairs with her yelling at me the whole time, for a slight moment all I could think about was it would only take one little shove for all the abuse to stop, and that’s terrible I know it is, but sometimes it’s just really hard constantly getting woken Up in the early hours of the morning. (This has happened before) or alway getting shouted at when your trying to stop them from poisoning themselves when they mistake milk for bleach (that was a fun day at the hospital) I’m just at the end of my rope and I can’t even talk to my family about it when I try to approach them they just rebuff me and tell me that I just need to push on.
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Sometimesahug
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Hello Sometimesahug, I hope that getting all of your frustration out will have helped a little bit. I doubt there's a single carer out there who hasn't at some point or another, needed to vent, and many have done so here too.Thank you for being so truthful about your feelings, and I wish I could give you some kind of hope that there is effective help for you out there. Sadly there isn't.
It shouldn't be this way, especially when you reach the low point you just have, but if family and friends won't support you, there's not much that's effective, otherwise.
Your options are limited. There's sedation, or the possibility of finding overnight paid help (subject, I know, to being able to afford that), or trying to fund a place in a nursing home.
If those aren't a possibility, there's only trying to find some way to coerce family to help you more, that's left.
Or doing what you are so capably doing at the moment and soldiering on.
It's not a comfortable position to be in, that's for sure.
I obviously can't and won't condone even a mention of resorting to any kind of retaliatory violence. It may be tempting at times to consider what you saw as a momentary way out of your situation, but it wouldn't be. The idea that investigators might just accept the notion of a fall isn't true. If you ever reach that point, call anyone, even the police, and say that you are backed into a position you can't cope with and for the health and especially safety of the one you care for, you need intervention.
This situation won't last forever. Dementia is a progressive disease, sadly with no happy outcomes, and I'm sure you know already that things could get worse, but will reach a conclusion.
Not much of a consolation I know, but I do also know that a good rant when you need one can release the pressure. So I hope you'll feel free to do that safely here whenever you need to.
just a thought.. callendersgal is quite right but I feel it must be possible to do something.
Here are suggestions but i do not know your circumstances or ages and they may be wildly wrong but this really cannot be allowed to go one..
what is your gp doing? YOU are his patient. He will try anyhting to avoid his responsbilty in these difficult times. I f he can persuade you to carry on he has al least solved HIS problem. Do you find your self saying 'O all right then Iwill manage somehow" or being too accomomodating. If there is not enough care to go round that if not your fault and there comes a time when you must fight for you r own health.
Your family- are they near?Is your granda mobile.? Take her for a visit with an overnight bag and leave her there. for them to sort out..Go right away for a couple of days and when they really experience what she is like they may be more helpful
You coud take her into A & E next time she harms her self and refuse to take her back for her own good. Just say i cannot keep her safe and GO
All very dramatic but better than what you both have.
Finally. This is the dementia talking.If you once loved your grandma it is 100 times worse to be in your position
I know I'm in Australia but I think hospital policy is similar;. They cannot and will not discharge a vulnerable patient without a safe place to go. (What I am told, anyway) so that can make hospital social workers find appropriate accommodation and care if anyone needs this path.
They may not want to help but are forced to find solutions, chase housing and care services.
Also a tip from a night shift aged care worker friend;. "They just want a cup of tea and toast as they have no idea what time it is! I help with that and then chat them back to bed. No need for an argument" she says.
Myself I'd be tired and cranky and in no mood to cajole. I'm terrible without good sleep. A last gasp solution might be getting a GP to offer sleeping pills for a few nights a week so you sometimes get a full night's sleep whilst finding out about other solutions.
My heart goes out to you as the advice from Callendersgal and FredaE all sounds exactly what you need but you need to act on it. Some family members do ignore the situation as they know you will carry on regardless because you have a kind heart.
My sister is 78 years old in a happy Nursing Home and we are very lucky as my life was becoming intolerable as I was the main carer. My family were very sympathetic but they all had their own issues or young children so I used to soldier on until Covid arrived and the hospital made the decision for me.
At my sister’s birthday party a month ago, one of my ‘in laws’ asked a resident how she was and to her horror she said,” F- - - O and mind your own business!” but we all just laughed it off as sometimes the resident concerned could have an interesting, heartfelt conversation about her past with no swearing or abuse.
You need to act now and it is upsetting but in the long run you should not be the victim feeling any guilt. You have done enough so take care and act! Good luck and lots of hugs 🥰🥰🥰
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