What to do for the best for dad

[klr31]

Hello,

Well, dad has finally moved from the Home where I was told he wasn't safe. He had a difficult journey by ambulance on Monday and already had a cold. He now has a chest infection and hasn't been out of his room in the new Home since he arrived; he's also not eaten much (due to not feeling well). I've been asked today if he should go to hospital as the doctor thinks he needs intravenous antibiotics but he's fed up of hospitals and just wants to sleep. He's always wanted to fight to stay alive but, to us, it feels cruel to send him to hospital yet again. I really don't know what to do for the best. The plan at the moment is to give him oral liquid antibiotics at the Home and see how he gets on. If he deteriorates they will ring 999 and send him to hospital. His oxygen saturation levels are low at 84%. I now wonder if I should have moved him as always feared that this scenario would happen. I just don't know what to do for the best for dad and can't even ask him. I'm in bits.

Karen

[Hidden]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. You can only do what seems right at the time. It sounds as though the new home are very vigilant about his care and will take action if it seems that he needs further care. They should come across these problems often and will know when further treatment is indicated. Give him a couple of days, hopefully now he is over the journey he may improve quickly.

[klr31 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I somehow doubt it but I hope you are right. It's difficult having to make this decision myself with no support. I hate to see dad suffering which he is but I don't really know what he would want for himself now.

Karen

[Hidden in reply to klr31]

I know what you mean, I have to make the decisions for my 101 yr old mum and for my husband who has dementia and cancer. It is difficult to be sure you are doing the right thing for people but you can only do your best.

[klr31 in reply to Hidden]

I made the decision for my mum but I knew what she wanted so it was an easier decision.

Karen

[Hidden]

Hi Karen,

When you think about all that went on, you weren't really given an awful lot of choice in whether to move your dad or not. I think it would have had an effect on him, even if he'd moved to a location nearer to his original home.

Someone also gave me a bit of useful advice once, when I thought I'd made the 'wrong' decision.

She said there was no such thing. That we have to constantly make decisions and then have to adjust them, time after time, according to the outcome of the first one. And if you think about it, that's so very true.

So I'd say that even if it hasn't worked out perfectly, as things seldom do, you now have him closer to you and for better or worse, you only have to work with the circumstances of now. Worrying about what's gone before isn't of any help so try to think forwards, not backwards and don't castigate yourself because you believe you didn't do the 'right' thing.

I'd say to listen to what your dad's wishes are, but also to what his doctors are advising, and if that's to move dad to hospital, just reassure him that, fed up though he is, sometimes it's the only sensible thing to do.

There's a very old saying that we are 'once a man, and twice a child', and in your second childhood, it's sometimes necessary to do something that we don't like, just as in our first one, and others have to make that decision on our behalf.

Very best wishes, and I hope that your dad will improve soon.