I've just had a mass diagnosed on routine mammography, confirmed by ultrasound same day. I had a biopsy scheduled for this morning, but 3 days ago developed Covid. After 3 years it happens right now. Biopsy rescheduled for 2 weeks time. Radiologist pretty sure it's malignant. I already had bc on the other side 18 years ago.
We have 2 daughters - 28 and 30. The older one lives in London (we're in DC). The younger is here in DC. I also have a 92 yr old mother in the UK. When do I tell them and how? The girls have fun good lives and I can't bear to land this on them. And my mum will be so upset and I am so far away. We've all been through this once already. The girls then were in Middle school, but it all feels re-traumatising.
And when they do know, what do we all talk about when we meet, talk on the phone? I don't want to talk about cancer, but how do you ignore the elephant in the room.
And how do I get through the next TWO weeks and more, waiting for the biopsy and then then the results.
And - this is all my fault. I already had this once. So why didn't I quit drinking chardonnay, lose 30lbs to get out of the overweight range, and exercise for an hour a day??? I knew. And I just let everything slide. The mammogram was even overdue because - pandemic, and then my husband was seriously ill, his mother died, and then we moved out here to DC from the other side of the country. So I don't have any friends living here either. Plenty of email friends, but it's not the same.
I feel like just giving up. Plus I feel really ill. Coughing and sore throat so bad I can't eat or speak. But nothing compared to dying of cancer. I wanted to move here to have a life and adventure and now it's all gone to hell.
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EagleWings
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oh EagleWings, I feel for you! But first of all, DONT, please, start blaming yourself. What’s gone is gone. It’s happened. Now you deal with the present (and let the future take care of itself for the moment).
As far as talking to your family is concerned, I had helpful advice from MacMillan, the specialist charity, in the form of booklets. I realise you’re on the other side of the Atlantic from me but they might have an outpost round your way? You can email them and state your issue (like you have here) and ask for their advice. The booklet I had might be no longer in print, it was nine years ago now.
Your girls, and indeed your mother, may be stronger than you think. They’ve already considered -without talking to you about it - that your C could return. But they’ve never wanted to being the subject up with you? They don’t want to remind you of bad times?
As far as waiting for the biopsy, let’s assume you do indeed have a recurrence. Well, you got through it once and therapies have improved since then. So you will have some months of discomfort and so on. But you know what to expect so it will be easier,
I hope other posters will give their take on this.
Sorry to hear of your predicament please stop blaming yourself some people do all the right things like my dad and they still get cancer it is not always your lifestyle you have obviously been unlucky. I know that you can beat this again as you have already gone through the treatment it must be scary but you can do it. When I got cancer 13 years ago my children were in university and my son just would not come home until I told him I was back in work he just could not face it so I know how hard it must be for you to tell loved ones, my daughter also blanked it out as well. Your daughters are older now though and should be able to be supportive of you and your mother would be able to handle it I am sure they could also get support themselves from people in the UK as there are many charities here that provide that even choir groups that can help. When my dad got given only months to live my parents came home from the hospital and decided not to tell anyone I happened to ring her the next day and she did not sound right on the phone so I said what is wrong and she told me thank goodness. My husband and I rushed down to be with her and had to call my brother who also came straight away and they told us thank goodness. It must be difficult for you to share this news especially over the phone but I am sure your family will only be relieved as we were that you have and be supportive of you. Also you can beat this again I am sure. Take care and lots of love
I am so sorry to hear your news. Firstly lots of skinny teetotallers get breast cancer so stop blaming yourself for living life since your last diagnosis. Secondly you are probably really down because you are ill with covid and your ability to cope will improve when you feel better. When I was diagnosed 6 years ago, my first response was how do I tell my family, I think it is one of the hardest bits. How hurt would you be if they didn’t tell you something serious in their lives, so maybe give yourself a week’s grace until you feel a bit better with the covid and then tell them or even wait until you get the biopsy results so that you know exactly what you are dealing with. Like last time, take each bit one step at a time and as Mathmatics said treatments have improved massively in the last few years. Wishing you lots of love and best wishes xx
eaglewings. I expect the cancer was always there and would have resurfaced no matter what you did. And fingers crossed it’s not cancer.
Step by step. If it is it may well be removable and not have spread etc. just hold on and take it day by day. No need to do anything until you know for sure and know the staging etc. it may all be better than you expect.
Hi EagleWings - I am so sorry to hear your situation - and such bad luck to come down with covid just now! The waiting is hard but has to be. As others have said, please don’t blame yourself - I completely understand what you say, but the biggest risks for this are actually just being a woman and getting older ( which we can do nothing about!) so don’t waste your precious energy blaming yourself for not being perfect - who is! We have to enjoy life!
I know it is easier said than done, but try to stay calm and not assume the worst - once the biopsy is done things will be a little clearer - it may be that you have another primary and treatment is so excellent now, whatever the stage might be. Step by step. I agree that telling your family is hard, but imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed. I found that waiting until I had the biopsy results and I had sort of got over the initial shock, meant that I could handle telling my daughter a little better ( that was the hardest part of it all), I just needed that space to compose myself. But I’m sure your family would want you to tell them so they can support you. I do hope you can find people near you so you can talk about what you’re going through - looking for a local support network may be a really good idea - maybe ask your treatment team about this? And feel free to use us too!
I send you strength vibes and wish you all the best - you are not alone. Rest lots while you are getting over covid so you can deal with the next stage. Take care, love L xx
Big big hugs!!!! Its a traumatic thing for sure. I had similar questions, what do I say, when and how. First take a deep breath. Second, it's so hard to say the words. In my case I sent a text to my family stating I had a mammogram and needed a biopsy to confirm. It's a horrible and vicious monster. I liked texting because it gives the person time to react and process without pressure to reply immediately. I said something like "hi -----, so sorry to be sending this text, I have some bad news but needed to let you know, I had a mammogram that showed a mass, I have a biopsy to confirm this date. Love you lots"..... Third you didn't cause this!! Your first round, you were young, which means you had a higher chance of getting it again later in life. I was told it's a 2% increased risk of return each year (I was diagnosed at 35). It's stressful for sure. The timing with COVID is awful and just having covid is horrible.Cancer is a stupid bully. The hardest thing to do is wait for the results. Try not to go to the what ifs. Try and take one day at a time. Once you have the results then you can make a plan. Let you family and friends cry with and comfort you now. If the results come back as feared, then make a plan. Talk with a social worker, ask if there is a nurse navigator. Only you can decide how hard you want to fight. There isn't a wrong answer. Do you want to do the support groups? Want to wear funny shirts and/or fun colorful wigs if needed? Do you want to not fight and just go on amazing adventures while you feel well. Then do these things. But wait until you know exactly what you're facing. The wait is hard. What hobbies do you enjoy, can you do those more? Find a smaller hobby that you can do at home? While you fight the covid, try and rest don't make big decisions just yet...... big big hugs. Hope this helps.
EagleWings; sorry that you are going through this waiting plus COVID. Take a deeeeeep breath, life happens and it just happened to you, again. My story: I was first diagnosed with BC in 2003 at age 43 with four children the youngest being 3. Radical mastectomy of the left breast, 8 chemo infusions, 35 rounds of radiation; rough 2003 to 2004. I thought I had beaten it until 2021 in which I had a sister who in February 2021 was diagnosed with BC; and a brother and mother who died within 3 weeks of each other with COVID, June and July of 2021. Then, here I come in September 2021 with a lump under my arm, and did a mammogram, ultra sound, biopsy, scans and with a result of metastatic BC. I agonized about telling my family because I said I cannot add one more thing to their plate. And it wasn't until I was going to have surgery to put in the port that I told, first my children and then the rest of my family. They were all upset that I went through all those steps by myself. Go figure, I was trying to protect them from bad news but they wanted to be there to hold my hand. Having said alllllll of this, give yourself grace, breath and then figure out the best way to inform the people concerned, you will be surprised. You can wait until you have a firm diagnosis and then tell them or you can do it now, either way, it seems to me your family will stand by you. Your body is going through a lot fighting COVID and believe me, it is nothing you did that has caused you to have this mass, it just is. Stop blaming yourself, I know of people who have the strictest of diets and exercise regimens who have cancer. Cancer is no respecter of persons and lifestyles, it comes to anyone. Join a group, there are plenty of online groups like the one I belong to, which meets on Monday nights on zoom, by SHARE Cancer Support group @ sharecancersupport.org; Check them out. Sending you plenty of hugs and prayers for peace and patience while you wait. Naomi
Oh my goodness!!! All you ladies are just amazing. I have cried with relief and comfort reading each and every reply. Just the fact that people have taken the time and effort to reply at all means so much. I can't tell you.
The Covid is getting better. Still coughing and tired, but I can speak again. (My husband's a bit disappointed about that 😂). I think I'd been discounting having covid. 'oh well, it's only covid - I've been vaccinated, so not a big deal, stop making a fuss'. I may have moved to the US, but the British stiff upper lip hasn't gone away. But yes, actually covid is very nasty. Even if vaccinated. Even if some people have no symptoms.
We've decided to tell the girls today. It's getting ridiculous. We haven't even told them we've had Covid, because we don't want any conversation to lead further.
I'm going to text them and ask if they're around because we have to give them a heads-up about my health. We'll see how it goes. They are adults. They both have friends. The younger one is married and the older has been with her guy for years. And they have each other too. They're not super close, but close enough.
And the blame game. You were all so helpful and reassuring about that too. I always envision everyone talking about me behind my back about why I got it. One woman when I had it last time told a friend, who "helpfully" told me (!), that she always did breast self-exams every month so she would never have let a tumour get advanced enough to need chemo etc. Quite funny now that breast self-exams aren't even recommended any more.
Yes, I have lived my life. I could have spent the last 18 years teetotal and not eating carrot cake or pizza and spending an hour a day running around doing exercise I hate, and then be here anyway. Except I'd have missed out on the carrot cake.
And it's crazy. I never think that about other people. I just want to give sympathy and love not count up all the ways I think they didn't look after themselves in whatever way the latest news article says they should have done.
I'm going to call the UK kid in an hour or so and the one here later this evening my time. Hubby will be here too.
As more than one of you have said - deep breaths, and one step at a time. I'll tell them that too. However they react they will know and I will help them as best I can. And really I do believe they'll be supportive. I'll think about my mum later once I've got firmer news.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You all know what it means to have support from people who've been there. Thank you for sharing your stories. I'm so grateful.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I just finished treatment for my 3rd breast cancer, and want to focus on how things have changed so drastically. When you and I started this breast cancer journey, it was a terrible disease that claimed many lives - we survived that! Now it is very different - the experts are talking about how different and how much hope there is!! Even radiation has changed drastically! Now they can pinpoint the tumor instead of needing to radiate a larger area. Chemotherapy, should you need it, has also changed for the better - they can target the receptors and give us chemo that attacks our particular needs. Chemo is still a difficult part of the journey, but it no longer has to make us as terribly ill as it did just 5 years ago! Now they have wonderful treatments that fight the effects of chemo! So much has changed for the better, so please don't judge this new cancer with the same view you had 9 long years ago. And, we have preventative drugs so that there is very little chance of it coming back again! Now the experts are even considering calling breast cancer a very treatable disease instead of "just" cancer.
My mother has had breast cancer for 4 years now - she cannot have surgery because of her age (88) and lungs, so the goal has been to not let it grow - and it hasn't grown at all. We would like it more if it would shrink, but that just isn't happening. Another positive change from just 5 years ago!!
I know it is hard to focus on the positive changes right now, but hopefully it helps to know that these changes have occurred.
Please don't blame yourself for this round - I believe what my oncologist says - 'the cancer was always there, just waiting for the opportunity to show itself - what you did or did not do would only change when.' I didn't do all that I could have done, either - but that doesn't make it my fault!
Talk to your children and your mom - and encourage them to do some research on their own so that they can feel more assured that things have changed drastically. I allotted time for cancer talk and then the subject had to be changed - maybe that approach will help with you, too. I told my family and stressed all the changes that have been made for the better.
It is a terrible time to get COVID, and waiting two weeks can be agonizing. I hope you spend some of the time doing some research on your own so that you know how much things have changed and you are armed to talk with your oncologist. I had a list of questions, a friend went with me and I asked the questions and she wrote down the answers so that I wouldn't forget. She is a very good friend and has been going with me to every appointment. After the appointments, we usually go to lunch and talk about what we heard - it is amazing how much she wrote down that I did not remember!
This round of breast cancer is actually my 6th primary cancer - I have been on the cancer journey since 2002. There are times I want to give up, too. I think it is normal to feel that way. Just don't dwell on giving up. Easier said that done. Some days are easier than others. Oh, and even surgery has changed - I was given the option of another lumpectomy or a mastectomy. Initially I was very much against a mastectomy because of the recovery time. Sitting down and talking with my oncologist, she assured me that mastectomies have changed and it would not be as drastic a surgery or as long a recovery as I thought - she was right! I won't lie and say the surgery was a breeze, but it most certainly was far less than it was last time, which was 5 years ago!
Hope this helps - you have a lot on your plate, and you CAN get through it. One minute at a time if you have to, but you can do this!
Oh my goodness - how that helps. I've virtually given myself an immediate death sentence, but you give me a lot of hope. A friend of mine has recently had it and things she's been saying about what they're not doing nowadays have surprised me. Would you believe that I have a medical degree (long ago now). But probably accounts for my mind going to the worst possible scenario. I've been afraid to do research because I am so sure it's going to be catastrophic in my case. I'm afraid if I start to hope then I'll jinx it. But you're right, my ideas about treatment are stuck back years and years ago. Really ancient history in terms of cancer treatment.
Yes, the waiting is just the worst. I always tell other people that was the case for me before. Unfortunately I suffer a lot from anxiety anyway, so this just adds to it. Plus having just moved away from my in-person support system of friends. Not really the time to be alone in a new city.
However - I AM getting through it. One minute at a time as you say, but the time is passing. Only a week to go now I hope. The Covid is better too. To be honest, the week I had it I was feeling too ill to even worry much about cancer. Not the best way to take my mind off things!!
I'm trying to keep my mind occupied so I don't ruminate too much. The doctors and staff I've met so far have been kind. Straight-up, not sugar-coating, but kind. That makes a huge difference too.
I did tell the girls - see below. And I'll write more when I know more.
But for now - just know you've helped a LOT. A LOT. I might even send this to my daughters. Their minds too are probably stuck back when they were middle-schoolers and it was all very scary.
And to you - I hope you stay well and know that you are a blessing. And that your Mom's condition stays stable for a long time to come.
Just an update - we did tell our daughters. The Covid added a sort of manic layer of hilarity to the whole thing. Our eldest says she can't wait for our next call to see how many more diseases we can collect 🤣.
In all seriousness, they were upset of course, but took it well. At least over the phone. It's a huge relief to me to know that I no longer have 'telling the children' to add to the stress. It's also lovely really to know that they're there. On the team.
Time is passing, although slowly at times. A week to go now. And my hubby and I are feeling much better from the Covid. I checked with my GP and we're OK now to go out and meet with people again. Not that we have that many to meet, but still! I do feel alone in a new city which is stressful, but having this forum is obviously such a supportive community. And talking with people who've been there is the most helpful thing.
I'm going to wait to tell my mum until I have more definite news. We're all English and she lives there so she'll be wonderfully distracted for the next few days. I doubt I'll have to answer any awkward questions about how I am.
Hi EagleWings - it’s lovely to hear you sounding much stronger in your update, and have got over the worst of Covid. Those panic-stricken moments do come and go, don’t they, when all you can think of is doom and gloom, but it really does help talking to those who have been through it too, and finding laughs wherever you can! Been thinking about you, it’s great that you have your daughters on your team now! And it’s kind of the king to distract your mum for now. I hope the next week goes speedily for you, all the best. Love and hugs
Thank you so much! And yes, I wonder if King Charles (still sounds so odd to me) realises what a kind service he performed picking just that weekend. hahaha!!! Biopsy is tomorrow. I have a lot of questions to ask and obviously hubby is coming with me to make sure I ask them, and to remind me of the answers when I blank and forget the whole thing.
Thank you to all, and the best to all of you in return. 💕
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