Advice please

[L1974]

Hello ladies you may remember me from a couple of years back when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer which had spread to lymph nodes. It is 2 years since she finished treatment and believe it or not she has not been for a checkup or scan since(she has missed appointments and ignores calls from her nurse) She hasn’t changed one bit from the experience, I was hoping she would stop be the head burier that she was before the diagnosis. I have begged her to go along with my aunty and even sat with her 20 year old adult son who seems to be oblivious!! I am so wound up I feel ill from stress. Her diagnosis brought us closer together but now we hardly speak and mainly because of her actions or lack of! Because hers was a genetic cancer she also needs a hysterectomy but again she has organised nothing. What am I supposed to do, our mam died of BC so surely you would think she wouldn’t want it to end that way. I just worry that it could be back and by the time she does anything about it, it could be too late x

[Happyrosie]

Oh this sounds so sad, L1974.

If you persist in trying to get your sister to do something she doesn’t want to do, or can’t make herself face up to, then you will make yourself ill without being any benefit to her.

Personally I feel you now need to put yourself, and anyone close to you that’s not you sister, first. Someone like you probably has people that rely on you. Keep yourself strong for them and for yourself.

Your sister is an adult and she must make her decisions for herself.

[Debs1962]

Hi as hard as it is you cannot make your sister face this and find out more, or have more treatment, you have tried your best.

Concentrate on yourself now, she may change her mind when the pressure is off her, who knows.

I had bc 5 years ago, my older sister will not check herself or have mammograms, I have tried but she states she cannot deal with it, if she has it, she cannot deal with going through any treatment etc. So I have accepted that she prefers to put her head in the sand and that’s her choice.

All the best xx

[UndomesticGoddess]

This is sad and very difficult for you. Of course your sister has the choice to make her own unwise decisions, however difficult that is for others and maybe her lack of engagement is based in fear. You aren’t responsible for her and must try not to get too stressed and make yourself ill.

Rather than push her away, try to support her. Explain that whilst you don’t and can’t agree with her decision that you will respect it. Build some trust between you and try to explore her reason why.- most likely shes terrified and doesn’t want to go through more. Who knows if you have a relationship and communicate then you may be in a position to influence her decision making going forward. You might just have to accept that it’s her choice.

[L1974 in reply to UndomesticGoddess]

Hello thank you for responding, what everyone has said makes sense, and yes she must be very frightened but I really hoped she would have learned not to bury her head, she is 49 tomorrow! I feel like I cannot plan ahead as I don’t know what is going to happen. Because of Covid my holiday was cancelled so we moved it to next year but I think to myself what might be happening then. I am not the most positive person but only because of life! Wasn’t easy losing my mam at 20 and my sisters son is 20 now, just don’t want him going through the pain, it never ends. Thanks again x

[UndomesticGoddess in reply to L1974]

I know it’s easy to say and not easy to do but you need to think of you. Try to build the bridge and offer support but then try to emotionally step back. Still being there of course but internally. It’s out of your control. What is in your control is to book your holiday, live your life. These things in the future we obsess and fret about, it’s usually fear of the unknown that is worse than the actual event when and if it happens. Who knows with time she may change her mind and you will deal with what that means at the time.

All I’m saying is don’t be too hard on yourself. Everything you are doing comes from a place of love.

[carolinenailsea]

It must be so difficult for you but as everyone has said, you must not let this damage your own health. You must look out for yourself too. As everyone has said, you cannot make other people do things, you can only be there for her. I wish you both well. xx

[Jhnard]

I chose to follow my Dr regimen, but is that the best road...who knows? The drug I have been on for 5 yr has caused me to go on another drug due to it causing osteoporosis. Now I am on 2 drugs and trying to manage all the side effects from both. Maybe you can consider she prefers to handle it without Big Pharma- a good option for you to consider in order to reduce your stress!

[CancerkickerKathy]

If you have spoken to her about this, I don't know what else you could do. Some prefer to just let it be. Might just have to agree to disagree so that you can repair your relationship with her. I feel for you. I am brca1 my sis tested neg but neither of my parents want to get tested. They are at that age where they say they don't want to do anything about it anyway. I can't force them but would like to know which side of the family it comes from. Try to keep positive. Hopefully your sister will change her mind.