To end the year, we are sharing stories of a few members to give you a glimpse into the lives of people using our platform to better their health. The patient voice is at the heart of everything that we do. By showcasing to others how valuable each community is to our members, we aim to further empower others to share their stories too.
Today, we are looking to a day in a life of someone who shows others how they get through those slightly tougher days.
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For me, living with depression and anxiety means not living without it. In other words, even when I feel good, depression lurks in the form of my fear that it could happen again. That’s a weight and a burden that many of those without depression do not have to bear. Part of that is having to pay close attention to whether I have a balance in my life and that I am not over-extended. I need exercise, downtime, and enough sleep (as for the latter I have been dealing with insomnia for a while but I am working on it). It’s constant vigilance because the consequences of being oblivious to these things can be enormous for me. There is no “beating” depression, though in the past I thought I had. What I continue to work on is to allow and feel the fear of having a relapse without letting it stop me from having a very good life. In fact, it can be a motivator for me to live one day at a time and make the most of each one. And it spurs me to get out of my comfort zone and to take risks in order to realize my hopes and dreams. My mantra is this lyric from a well-known song:
“Don’t let the past remind us of what we are not now”
That’s easier said than done. I get into trouble when I take my eyes off the road and start looking in the rear-view mirror incessantly, reliving the unspeakable nightmare of the depressions I’ve endured in the past. How could I let it happen? How much of my life have I wasted? As if it was my fault (and that’s how shame comes into the picture). But I cannot change the past. And I try to remember the good times as well, because there have been plenty. This is an illness that, in my case, arose from shame and trauma. And the illness itself produces shame and trauma. It is cruel and relentless. I am determined to not merely survive in the face of it, but to thrive. I used to rely on medication to numb me and keep my depression in check. I now rely on therapy, which involves a great of difficult work (and an excellent therapist) but pays many dividends in the long run.
I’ll close by relating how I constantly think of my grandparents when I need solace and courage. Their only child, my Mom, was killed by my father, who was in a psychotic rage at the time. I was 4 ½. That is my trauma. My nuclear bomb. That, along with a genetic predisposition, set me up for depression. My grandparents raised my brother and me from that point on. They took care to teach us about how to treat people, how to be polite, and how to be gracious and humble. But the most important thing they taught me is something they didn’t even know they were teaching me: to never, EVER give up. They could have thrown in the towel when my mother died and died inside themselves; They could have retreated from life, and nobody would have blamed them. But they instead devoted their lives to us and kept on keeping on. They learned to laugh again, and to be full participants in life. When I fall prey to depression now, I think of them; they are my heroes. And though I’ve felt like surrendering many times, I have never, ever given up. And I do not intend to. I may be bloodied and bowed sometimes, but I am proud of hanging in when the odds have been overwhelmingly stacked against me up to the present day-
What does community mean to me?
To me, community means a group of people who care deeply about one another. Everyone helps and supports everyone else. It is certainly not a clique. It can be 2 people, a family, 10 people, 200 people…any size, small or large. And it’s possible to belong to more than one community. Being a part of a community and being part of a team, as I am at work, are essential for my mental health.
What do I do to de-stress?
I de-stress best by exercising, hiking in the woods, and listening to music that I like. It’s most effective when I combine all of these. Also, spending time with my young-adult kids or my partner helps. As does reading a really good book…the kind that takes you away and that you hate to put down. Meditation can work sometimes, though I need to do it more consistently. Finally, something as simple as eating a bagel will do the trick (my favorite food).
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Consent was given to share this story.
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Stories on HealthUnlocked have an incredible way of raising awareness around certain conditions and wellbeing needs, as well as inspiring people who might be in the same situation as you. Would you like to share your health journey? Email communications@healthunlocked.com to learn more.
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