Do you ever read those adverts in the backs of newspapers...people seeking a soulmate? And men who describe themselves as being 'tall dark and handsome with their own home who loves travelling and walks on the beach' and you shudder and think...EeK!
Bet he's short and bald with a comb-over and lives in a pre-fab with a smelly tom cat and his aged mother...
Everyone seems to 'love walking on the beach'...they're all social drinkers...whatever that might mean. No-one ever 'fesses up to being a bit on the plump side and likes nothing better than watching soaps on TV while downing Gin and Tonic and eating cheese and onion crisps...a brief walk along the beach would be grand, so long as it ended in a cosy 'pub with a decent lunch.
The tall dark and handsome one has been advertising in the back pages of our local freebie paper for weeks...perhaps it wasn't just me who thought him to be decidedly odd in describing himself in such a way...
Honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin if I was to write out a brief resume of a person I'd like to meet...never mind the horror of describing myself accurately...a wrinkly vegetarian old hippy and tree hugger, who is tethered to an oxygen tank and takes enough pills to sink a battleship, would like to meet a tall dark handsome man with loads of money to keep her in the manner she is totally unaccustomed to and if he has a disabled badge for his car, then that would be a bonus...no time wasters please.
That sounds perfect.
But whatever would you do with this tall dark handsome man...he'd be edging you away from the mirror in the mornings while he preened and did his hair just so...bet he'd not want to plonk himself down on the settee that's covered with dog hair...he'd admire himself in shop windows and spend oodles of money on handmade shoes and it'd never occur to him to fill the bird feeders up with more nuts or bring you a cup of tea at two o'clock in the morning...
Sex would be totally out of the question...you'd have to resort to Victorian nighties buttoned up to the neck so he never caught so much as a glimpse of your stretch marked tummy or your saggy boobs...the lights would have to be out of course and he'd probably think anything other than the missionary position would simply ruin his coiffure.
And imagine taking your teeth out or hoping he'd paint your toe-nails in bright purple varnish...bet he wouldn't fill your hot water bottle or laugh at the jokes you read out to him...
Don't think he'd cuddle Eilis and tell her she's a good little woman while she licks his face and squirms with pure joy...
So, I don't think I'll bother with those tall dark and handsome men...I'll just appreciate the man I have.
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Vashti...that post was just so funny and delightful all at the same time.
I have always admired the titles of your posts , which do always sounds intriguing but I have to admit I don't usually read your posts, but I think from now on they are a 'must'
You have a rare talent with words, and a true 'Gift of the Gab'
He advertises practically every week....I look for it now!
A few years ago 2 of my friends met and married men they met on an internet dating site and they both suggested that i try it so seeing as they had both found the men of their dreams i thought why not.
1st date i had we went for something to eat and during the main course talked about how he would have to sell his house to buy a larger one as it wouldnt be big enough for me and my children to move in to !!!!....... i said , could i just have my desert !!! never saw him again
2nd date i had we went for a coffee and it was like being out with a 9 year old boy who had hyperactivity who went on to tell me he had hired a private detective to follow his ex wife !!!! ...i cant even remember what my reply was to that i just put my sunglasses on pulled up my collar and ran for my car !!!! never saw him again
3rd date i had we went for a drink ( shandy )...He arrived using crutches turned out he was in a bad crash years ago and would use them for life..that was ok,,, he was also about 3 stone heavier than his photo had shown but that was ok,,,next he told me he wasnt a self employed plumber as he had claimed,,, well he wouldnt be with crutches so ok,,,but when he told me he didnt even have a place to live he had actually been sleeping on his friends sofa for the past year it was time for me to leave !!!! i never saw him again...although he did txt me and asked if i would be interested in playing doctors and nurses naked ......i said "what on your mates bloody sofa" if i ever bump into him again i will give his crutches a nudge....
The moral of this true story is dont take to much notice of what your friends say x
Now Nikkers...I'm not complaining...was just saying...lol
Ha ha love it as usual vashti. Many years ago when I was in a bad mood I had a spell of looking at those adverts and when I found a man over 50 who was looking for a woman aged 18-25 I would leave a message on his phone to the tune of 'You dirty sad old perv' etc. x
You're hooked!!! Once you read vashti you simply can't get away!!! She is addictive and so entertaining with Truth! Makes you happy, and laugh til your stomach hurts!!! She deffinently makes my bad days GOOD!!
Good morning Vashti, Very descriptive, very amusing and all so true, You are so right, appreciate himself, I always wonder how people start new relationships when they are older. It's so good to have a history with each other and not to have to think what to talk about. I guess there are loads of lonely people out there, just looking for company, Have a good weekend, Best wishes, Bulpit
Pete used to be tall dark and handsome but he is still the only one for me. I read the adverts in the back of Saga magazine for people wanting to meet others, how sad am I?! I do smile when the men always want a "slim" lady for friendship etc. I bet they do! Nothing wrong with a bit of something to get hold of mind you.
Thanks for the post vashti as it did make me smile. Take care. xxxx
HaHaHaHaHaHaHa--- great one! I couldn't possibly go out with a bloke who was better-looking than me, had his eyebrows waxed, and used my spot concealer too!
The funny thing is, the tall dark handsome chaps are not usually the romantic type. They don't feel the need to make an effort.
When my darling husband was much younger, he had a body like Ross Poldark. Women would gaze from across crowded rooms. Some even told my to my face, "Your husband is gorgeous"
He seems totally unaware of his attractiveness. He is a friendly jolly kind of chap with no vanity. What did annoy me, still does, is that people think he is my toy boy. He is three months older than me!
Well, I am no oil painting, 5ft 3in. plump (to put it politely) Got long legs though. He says it was my smile that attracted him. Also my humour.
He hasn't got the Ross Polard body any more, but still has the hairy chest. He still has black hair and eyebrows at the age of 68.
We are more telly tubby shape now. Although he is not one for hearts and flowers, he is a real treasure in so many ways.
As my Mum used to say "Handsome is as Handsome does.
That's lovely about your husband...xxx
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