A man is walking past a mental hospital and he can hear a chant of ""13 ,13,13,13"" coming from over the wall,the wall is quite high so he cant see what is going on,but he spots a small hole in the wall and puts his eye to it,just then a stick pokes his eye and the chant changes to ""14,14,14,14""!!
well,it made ME titter!
Why do supermodels stare at cartons of orange juice?
because the carton says Concentrate.
supermodel walks in to a beauty salon wearing headphones, the hairdresser goes to wash her hair but asks her to take the headphones off.
""but i can't"" cries the model, ""i'll die""
""no you won't, trust me"" says the hairdresser as she takes the headphones off. moments later the model drops dead and no one can understand why until the hairdresser picks up the headphones and has a listen to the tape.
on the tape is a recording saying ""breathe in....... breathe out.......
A man named his cat Minton so that if it ever swallowed a shuttlecock he could shout ""Bad ,Minton!!""
reaching for coat.............
I’ve been diagnosed with pessimism, it’s not funny but I feel optimistic that I will recover...
!
Twizzle
just heard this one at an opera in the park thing in Pontypool, Wales...As its Fathers Day the son says to his dad 'as its Fathers day I'll treat you and take you somewhere expensive.' So the son takes his dad to a petrol station!!! It made us laugh
Sandi tee hee
I recently had to have my IQ tested.
Fortunately the results came back negative!
Twizzle
A man walked into a bar.
Nearly tripped up he did, luckily he was OK.
!
Twizzle
For those who don't at first succeed, I have many copies of a book called 'How To Make A Habit Of Succeeding'.
I bought the stock years ago, and I can honestly say that without it I couldn't have sold the number of copies that I have done to date. I have seen it slip off the shelf many times...
Soon I will be stocking the follow-up work entitled 'How To Flog A Dead Horse'.
If anyone is interested please let me know.
Twizzle
Two women walked into a house
-you,d think one of them would have seen it!
'Green' houses are becoming much more affordable. 'Red' houses are really hotels and rather costly to land on.
!
Twizzle
Who - What - Where?
Some late news just in. We now have conclusive evidence that Boris Johnson has actually been elected as the new mayor of London.
Ken Livingstone is now pressing forward with his vision for London and briefing Mr Johnson by radio…
!
Twizzle
(Boris was recently unsure who was paying for the Olympics if it went over budget!)
The Welsh Rabbit is on the verge of extinction in Wales, although it can still be found served up as a delicacy in its’ natural habitat on University campus terrain in Cardiff.
!
Twizzle
Doctor: ""You can’t be diagnosed due to drinking"".
Reply: ‘I’ll come back when you’re sober then!’
!
Twizzle
Doctor: ""You can’t be diagnosed due to drinking"".
Reply: ‘I’ll come back when you’re sober then!’
!
Twizzle
patient : ""Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains !""
doctor : ""Pull yourself together !""
ok that does it... I definitely have hit rock bottom now, going away for a while... nice padded cell waiting....
Susy
What’s green and goes up and down?
Gooseberry in a lift.
Been there done that.
!
Twizzle
A squid is groaning on the ocean floor feeling very ill,a passing shark stops and says ""Are you alright?-you look terrible"",the squid groans pathetically in reply-""One of my shark friends is a doctor"" says the shark,""follow me and I,ll take you to him"".5 minutes later,the sharks doctor friend is spotted-""Hello"",the first shark says,""Heres that sick squid I owe you""""
Coat..................................................................................................................
Doctor:
""I am very sorry to say that I cannot tell you how long you have got.
This is after an intensive investigation involving the asthma nurse.
We have have both come to the unfortunate conclusion that there just isn't one tape measure on the premises!..""
!
Twizzle
Several years ago a newsreader had to read a report that the Queen Mother was ill-but he misread it and announced she was 111.
-still makes me laugh!
Overheard at 'Carry On Antiques Road Show'
""I say, hello, ding dong, they are a fine pair of jugs, when did you get them and how much did they cost?""
""About 6 months a ago, they were a bargain at £1,500 each"".
""Hey ho jolly good, and now what antiques have you brought to show me?!""
Twizzle
PS Have you seen my coat Bluejam?
The comedy ""Coat of shame"" is usually hanging up nearby ,Twizz-I seem to find mine easily!!!?
I was driving along in my bright yellow Robin Reliant the other day and got stuck in the traffic. After waiting ages I decided to get on with my journey in the bus lane, only to find a police car chasing me with flashing blue lights. So I stopped and an officer came over to me. I politely wound down my window, and peering in he asked sarcastically, ""Are you a bus?"" Would you believe it, just then another bright yellow Robin Reliant pulled up behind us!
Twizzle
PS Courtesy of Jack Dee
Saw an old man slowly and quite precariously crossing the road today, using one of those prescription type metal walking sticks. Holding up the traffic he piped up, ""I'm trying to get killed to save you all this trouble!""
!
Twizzle
What are Wombats for????
-for playing Wom of course!!
And as for poor Costa lines: Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat in front of the fire and melted?
OK. so it's my first attempt. Is that coat big enough for another?
Alan
The demise of the village Post Office
Today, as I waited patiently in the queue to be served by the head post mistress working frantically behind the counter, I overheard her exclaim “All these customers are ruining my business!â€
So there we have it, it's official!
Twizzle
My other half came across these gems whilst watching Space Pirates on Cbeebies with Alys (well he claims she was watching it!!)
What do u call a deer who goes out in bad weather? ......... A reindeer!
What's a space man's favourite game?..... Astronauts & crosses!
Enjoy!
Not so low quality....
How to be a dead pan comedian
This works well with story type jokes.
Act very keen to tell the joke. Set up the scene, “There was an Irishman...†etc.
Proceed with great enthusiasm being careful to miss out one vital point.
Just before the punch line burst into uncontrollable laughter, and then deliver the punch line.
When the punch line fails to get a laugh repeat it.
Then back track through the joke and add the bit that was missed and explain why the punch line is funny, and once again deliver it looking to see if your audience of one victim has got it. Always end with, “It’s such a funny joke isn’t it!â€
It takes great skill but it is possible to get a dead pan reaction with the funniest of jokes!
Twizzle
(Countless times victim of a real pro!)
You know you were born in a trailer park when…
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
Susy
Boris has spoken with a new classic.
He said 'I am aware that we need to have some kind of fury creature as a mascot for our Olympic games.
How about the Greater Crested Newt?'
(It does not get better!)
Twizzle
Cringe!!!!
a- it is a Great Crested Newt
b - it definately not furry!
Fellow colleages cringed over that one!
Kate
XXX
See ""Nature Watch"" thread.-re a Bee
Beer Festival
Next week I am having a stall at a Beer Festival (with my local history photographs), and at a festival this bank holiday a chap came to my stall to browse and saw a leaflet for next week's one.
As he browsed he took a leaflet and gave it to his very young daughter saying, 'Hold onto this for daddy. Don't show it to mummy!'
!
Twizzle
I was always a bit of a mumbler as a child and my parents could never tell Talk from Mutter!!
A brunette and a blonde jump off a ten storey building.
Who hits the ground first?
The brunette, why? Because the blonde stopped to ask for directions!
On arriving home Fred's neighbour comes out to meet him.
""Hi Fred, there were lots of paparazzi taking pictures of your dog earilier.""
Fred replies ""O God you know what that means, my dog must be in HEAT again!
Iceland
Iceland (Supermarket) are now offering bonus cards so that customers can have discounts and prizes.
The plot thickens!!
Twizzle
PS. The frozen aspect was not lost on me either Bluejam, and I am sure the serious Gordon had a laugh when he invoked the anti-terrorism laws!!
He,s heading for a breakdown..........
The AA man !!
This is worse...........
He,s a bit of a dark horse.....
...Black Beauty!!!
Experiencing a plummet in your portfolio?
Perhaps your bank has been part-nationalised.
Welcome to the 'Browned-off' era.
!
Twizzle
According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no
signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last
week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank
has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office
staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may
get a raw deal.
A walking economy
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, ""I'm a walking economy.""
The friend asks, ""How so?""
""My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!
lol
i didnt get it at first but now i did and it its quite funny lol
The old system of credit ratings is now being abolished in favour of a nationalised scheme.
The new units of calcuation will be 'Brownie points'
Start acruing them today!
Twizzle
Two Irishmen are staring at the sky and one says to the other ""Is that the Sun or the Moon up there??""
and the other replies
""I dont know ,I,m not from round here""
-apologies to any Irishmen or women
-coat being reached for..............................
On Monday morning a rabbit enters a café and orders a baked bean toastie, a cheese and ham toastie, and a cornbeef taostie.
The next day the rabbit is found dead from “Myxomatoastiesâ€
Sorry guys I know the gags just get worse
Katina
Dyslexic Weather Forecast:
Mostly cloudy with a 20% chance of drivel !
apologies to sufferers !
NB:that could be a description of my life.
Oh dear blue Jam we are feeling sorry for ourselves aren't we.
A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, ""Do you do fishcakes?""
The barman shakes his head.
""Shame"", says the man, ""It's his birthday"".
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said ""Tenpin?""
I said, ""No, permanent.""
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said ""Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said ""No, I've got china in my hand.""
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, ""You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.""
He said, ""No, this is for the custard.""
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said ""I careered off the road""
.
Man to his girlfriend ""Don't know why you wear a bra, got nothing to stick in it,""
Girlfriend's reply ""Well you wear pants don't you,
Little girl : Mummy,whats a Shitzu ?
Mother : One without any animals dear .
Whats the speediest item on your washing line??
Your Honda-pants !!
Man walks into his local MFI (topical or what) and says to the sales assistant ""That bath you sold me is rubbish,everytime I turn the taps on the water just goes down the hole""
the saleseman replies ""Do you not put the plug in ???""
""Oh,you didnt say it was electric !""
Coat reaching manouever...........................................................................
Boffins have invented a spray -on -viagra but advise men not to get it mixed up with their deoderant or they wont be able to get their arms down for hours!
Two lions in a Restaurant.
The waiter asks Mr Lion how rare he would like his Buffalo.
'Oh, Endangered, Please!'
What do clouds wear under their clothes ????
Thunderpants of course !
Asthma related coughing fits through the night
Peak flow higher in the evening
chicken pox and prednisilone
Fostair vs symbicort 
