A man sees an ad in the local paper from a Frenchman selling a cat ,so he goes round to buy it ;being a Frenchman he has called the cat ""un deux trois"" and tells the man that it is the only cat in the world that can float-suitably impressed,the man takes the cat home for his family and they all love the cat ;""Not only is it really cute,but watch this"" he says and gently lobs the cat into the swimming pool where,to everyones horror,it plummets to the bottom and drowns !
The local paper,s headline the following day read:
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first
place .
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be
made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before
starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it
may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All
he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mummy came home.
My Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mummy waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know...
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
Our local paper had a story of a dwarf who had been pick-pocketed
What kind of person would stoop so low?
....running away with coat............................................
Comedy Black Hole Event Horizon
I had a bump with the car on the way to work. From the car I hit, out steps the driver. He is a dwarf. Says, I'm not happy. I say, which one are you then?
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