MESSAGE FROM APP ADMINS: This post contains information on the subject of abuse. If you are feeling vulnerable, do take care if reading this post.
I’m 31 years and today I learnt it’s okay to say no.
no to the abuse
No u can’t waste my money
No to sex within my marriage.
After my last psychotic episode the social worker helped to get my husband to stay in the uk. I have no family and had 2 kids at the time. From since then he has treated me differently I have been under constant emotional abuse for years while he was my carer . He would interrupt my sleep at night to take my sex from me so my defences were down . I could not give consent. Over and over I had to allow it or else the manipulation would get worse. I would say I am low in my mental health and have suicidal ideation and he would just tower over me and laugh as I beg him to stop. Every time I plan a trip he sabotaged it and make me cry till I want to die. All while having his bills and food covered by my little universal credit. I told him it’s over I want him to leave. He is still in the home. I don’t know what he is capable of but the pressure in my head is gone. I am free
Written by
Granolalover7777
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I’m very sorry to read about your experiences. It’s good that it sounds like you are feeling more in control and that the pressure in your head is gone.
Please keep safe and keep talking to the professionals supporting you. They should ensure that you and your family are safeguarded, and that you are receiving any support needed. If you ever feel you are in danger, do reach out to emergency services.
Sorry didn’t realize I was supposed to post in the same chat. When I was in hospital with baby spouse said he was bringing me food so I am diabetic so I take some fast acting insulin so I can eat the food as I was breastfeeding and really hungry hours past and no food has arrived yet so I go into a hypo so basically I almost pass out while being a sole carer for my newborn. This happened often so much that his own child got jaundice and had to be pricked twice. I was so scared I didn’t tell the midwives (especially because there was a no hot food sign ps I had a side room thank u cpn .
So yesterday I made an emotional plea for spouse to leave and he loves that emotion cause people who show emotion are weak right?
Earlier in the day after the night shift with the newborn ALONE again awake to bathe my daughter because he doesn’t like the boundary I put in place of not helping my 8 year old girl to bathe because she can bathe herself. Or I can bathe her. But he usually puts her in the shower before she wakes up while she is so sleepy. So he can feel needed
So I jump out of sleep to bathe her this time and it spooked him I see him going to enter the bathroom while she is bathing herself to put rags in the bathroom for my son. He is surprised to see me up after being on quetiapine that makes me knocked out usually but I want to see what’s going on.
I bathe her and then I’m so knocked out by the quetiapine it’s only 25 mg folks I am fully aware and present so I think he is dropping them to school so I go to bed. Shortly after I awake to see the kids back in the house. He says it’s Car trouble so he gets a jumpstart and off he goes to drop them to school only to wake up and they are at home. What happened I ask my daughter ( o the car didn’t make it up the road) no response from him so I ask he says he took it to the mechanic ( is lying he doesn’t have any money nor would a mechanic see u in an instant) but he wants to drop them off at home so I can care for them with no sleep ( I assume)
So I offer him my last 10 pounds to buy a day saver and catch a bus. This man catches the bus goes to school on the bus spends my last. Money grabs bread and comes home only to use my vehicle to go and work.
Picks up kids on time drops them off by me. We only have bread at this point I’m looking after all 3 he finally comes home after 8 pm with some popsicles and says he willl give kids rice ( which was there at home and I tried to reheat but was too salty) rice and fish fingers but I’m to stressed out to eat that I feel this immense pressure I can’t sleep I ask him to leave but in tears he pretends to have a heart to heart with me meanwhile I’m breastfeeding I finally get down baby and I took too much insulin. Hurry hurt let’s go to the hospital granted it is a big task waking up everyone but I am helping even in hypo we don’t want me to go into a coma ( I am sob-tearful because as someone who has mental health it appears bad)
We get home from hospital I fall asleep on bed with baby and he doesn’t move her.
Later in the morning I awake to see him going in the shower while my daughter is bathing we bc argue because he isn’t respecting he boundaries, I manage to record this brief argument. By the way I’m still hypo prone from taking too much insulin. So he drops them to school so I say I am going to sleep but can’t because of stress so I hear the health visitor arrive. While going down the stairs I say who has come to help me? Turns out it was a health visitor that is a bit too pushy putting words in my mouth
This is what she say o I see you are unwell I have a freeze response and briefly can’t speak because the spouse is there she says o u are hearing things . That is disgusting and infront of spouse as well. I say no. She says well what’s wrong I gave her the eyes that spouse is there so I can’t speak this happens in less than a minute. After I have a minute I ask spouse to get medicine from pharmacy while I have to correct this pushy health visitor about why I am having ptsd from his presence not I psychotic episode. Why I am screaming to the top of my lungs I’m being emotionally abused financially taken advantage of because I can’t offer sex before 6 weeks. The health visitor now asks if spouse has mental health no woman he is evil and can’t get my offering of sex to him.
Turns out my cpn wants to increase quetiapine. Yes cpn u we’re lovely till the point where it makes sense for you to give me more meds that block me out so I’ll have more stress cause I can’t reinforce safety boundaries for my kids. Then the health visitor suggests coming of breastfeeding omg do u guys want to see me unwell. My story has been consistent from day one I have started to collect evidence. Before hv leaves spouse leaves the home. Now it’s 2 pm I haven’t eaten slept and I am having a hypo entered it is unsafe to move the baby so I am stuck in bed . I may muster strength to find some scrap of food or drink . I make one mistake and all hell breaks loose.
I know it’s easier for them to sugfestvdelusion but the evidence is there but no one wants to look at it.
So rn my only choice is to sleep with spouse to appease him. But I don’t want to.
Welcome to my life. Meanwhile I’m showering engaging talking asking for help making plans but no don’t do anything
And he comes back home from cutting someone’s hedge and comes in the room guess what for? To interrupt my sleep. Thank you app for giving me a voice. Ps there is a paper trail but no one cares enough to really help. Spouse is collapsing the family everything to me. He will do anything to destroy me even to his own kids.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You mentioned a social worker being involved, I hope the various parties will work to make sure you and the kids are safe.
It sounds good that you are keeping a record of things when you can and do keep confiding in those coming in to visit you. Try to be as open and honest as you can, including if you don’t have access to sufficient food as you’re reliant on your husband bringing this to you, there may be ways they can help.
Hi Granolalover7777, I am really sorry you are going through this. It is a lot to endure. Jenny is right, I think talking to your social worker and health visitor at this point is important, on the matters of being able to eat and sleep, so, so crucial. And also on the family matters, if you have told your husband you want him to leave but he is ignoring you and you have stated your reasons for not wanting him at home, that's something they need to be aware of, to be able to protect you and your children. Sometimes it is not easy to speak freely when you are carrying so much, so an idea could be to write down the main bullet points and hand it over in the next visit, just a brief summary as you want them to know just the main things that are impacting both your physical and mental health and your concerns for your daughter's safety.
On the subject of food, have you checked local organizations that may be able to help? Some places deliver parcels for free, which may be helpful for you not having to leave the house. Your social worker may have already mentioned this, but I thought just in case.
I will be thinking of you, do reach out for help, it is out there
I just wanted to check in and find out how you are doing, and whether you have been able to talk to any of your health professionals about your situation?
Is your CPN from a specialist perinatal mental health team? If not, you can find extra help from a specialist team who are really experienced at providing support postnatally here: nhswebbeds.co.uk/Home/PNMHC... or let me know if you’d like me to find your local specialist team. I hope the CPN you have referred to is someone you feel you can talk to.
If you feel you need additional support regarding the abuse you describe, Women’s Aid is a good source of information and support: womensaid.org.uk/
Were you in a Mother and Baby Unit (MBU) with your PP last time? I was admitted to an MBU when I had PP and was offered a bed and lots of close contact and support when I had my second child, recognising the risk of me becoming unwell again. It is an option that might help take the pressure off you for a while. The following website shows you bed availability at all MBUs: nhswebbeds.co.uk/
Do keep reaching out. Its great you are writing things down - it’s really helpful to have it written so you can share it with the professionals supporting you. We at APP are here for you too, to try and help you to get the support you need, and be a listening ear.
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