family problems

[JBaird1952]

hello, I have big problems with my daughter and granddaughter who both are under the impression they are perfect and don’t believe anyone can have anxiety or IBS , they think it’s made up and I’ve frequently been told to pull myself together and stop making things up. It all started when there was a family celebration and I just froze and could not go out to attend it. I bought a new outfit to wear but on the morning I just started feeling sick and shaking with a panic attack so didn’t go. This resulted in being called all manner of nasty things by text which lasted for 3 days in the end I blocked both of them. This was 6 months ago they’ve never once asked how I am in this time it’s all about them . Needless to say now I’m just a wreck, I’m ok as long as things are not planned, I do go out but it is a struggle. My husband and son are very supportive in fact my son hasn’t had anything to do with them for the past 5 years over the way they treat me. I’ve been told they are both narcissists and to leave them to it , doctor says I’m better off without them and to put myself first and at 72 I’m inclined to believe him. I just wish I could feel better and move on.

[STEM_Dad]

I know it's difficult when family members are difficult to deal with and hard to please. We want everyone in the family to be close to each other, to be understanding towards one another.

We want to be loved and to feel like our own needs are being addressed, or at least understood.

Appreciate your husband and son, and their efforts. If your daughter and granddaughter are stuck in their own mindset, there isn't really anything that you can do about that.

I was married for 20 years. My wife and my parents all loved each other, but they didn't understand each other.

• My mom developed GI issues (possibly IBS, but she's never mentioned being diagnosed with it, but the condition has persisted for 15 years, but started with a bout of food poisoning). My mom self-diagnosed what she thinks it is, and has been self-treating with diet and natural medicine all this time, with mixed results. My wife had the opinion that my mom is just a hypochondriac who needs to see a doctor (and a psychiatrist).

• My wife had an infection which needed antibiotics, and her doctor prescribed her a very strong one, but didn't instruct her to take probiotics as well. She trusted her doctor implicitly, and didn't question the doctor's orders. She has had GI issues for all the years since, and wouldn't let me talk to her doctor to ask about her treatment options and to ask for a referral to a gastroenterologist. ... Meanwhile, my mom tried to pass along suggestions based on her own experiences and the massive amount of research she's done, but my wife always rolled her eyes about my mom's attempts to be helpful.

• Two women with similar issues that had different causes. Neither trying the best treatment options (which I'm sure you have, because you have an IBS diagnosis). Both with strong opinions, but neither willing to accept suggestions the other has for help.

Try as I might, I couldn't get the two women who I love so dearly and had the most impact on my life to see eye to eye on anything. They still love each other as family, but they have resolved themselves to just loving from a distance most of the time, and having little interaction.

{Now my wife is my ex-wife...she divorced me a couple of years ago. We are still friends, which is good, because we are still raising two kids together.}

~~~~~

Perhaps there is a solution, though. My dad and my uncle (my mom's brother) were polar opposites in many ways... personality, social & political views, and belief systems especially. Yet, before my cousin and I hit our teens, my dad and uncle had identified a few key topics that the two of them could always discuss without rubbing each other the wrong way: family, football (especially college ball), food (especially BBQ grilling), coffee (they exchanged gourmet coffee beans at Christmas) and beer (they each brought a 6-pack of some new interesting variety to family get-togethers).

• It takes effort, and it takes willingness on the part of both sides. My dad and uncle proved that it could be done. Hopefully you and your daughter can find common ground on something.

.....

In the meantime, appreciate the men in your life. Tell them that you appreciate them. (Men need that. Many of us might try to be the strong, silent type, but all of us need to know that we are accepted and respected.)

And continue to work on your own needs. The gut is referred to as the "second brain", because of the tremendous impact that it has on mental health. Any improvement that might be made in treating your IBS might help improve your anxiety. Keeping your anxiety down might also help to reduce the effects that you nervous system has on you GI tract. (I don't normally have GI issues, but I've found that when I'm especially nervous or anxious, I find myself heading to the bathroom a lot more frequently. So, I know there's a connection there.)