I hope I'm doing the right thing.

[DemureRose]

So I'm in a friendship with this guy I met in one of my college classes this past spring.

As someone who has only had friends who communicated every single day and throughout the day, adjusting to his habit of frequent silence and not responding was a bit difficult.

I confronted him about it once (not aggressively just a "What's the deal man lol?" type thing) and he told me not to take it personally. That he tends to not talk to his friends for days on end but that it doesn't mean anything.

So I continued the friendship, despite knowing my insecurities would make not taking the lack of response personal very difficult.

He seemed worth the potential stress and anxiety.

For the first few weeks of summer, it seemed great. We snapped (Snapchat) every day and managed to have a few good conversations. But eventually, the snaps just become sending wordless pictures for the sake of continuing our streak.

I'd strategically plan what my photo would be in an effort to get him to start the conversation. You know stuff like snapping him in a cool location or snapping a picture of one of my cats (he used to be obsessed with my cats). Sometimes it would work but usually, it didn't do anything.

When we began nearing the count of 100 days of talking to each other in a row, I made a decision. When we reached that day, I would re-evaluate and see if it was worth continuing or not.

It's day 105 right now and I'm starting the process of letting him go. A day ago I sent him a snap of my cat, trying to see if he would start a conversation. He didn't. I just had a moment where I realized that this wasn't going anywhere.

It isn't that I am bashing him for not responding. Some people are like that. And I'm like that with some people. It's not a bad thing if you're the kind of person who it doesn't bother.

But it bothers me. I'm too insecure and I just take it way too personally. I hate that I'm like that because I enjoy this guy's company a lot, but I know it's just who I am. And I know that if he enjoys my company as well he will contact me eventually.

I tend to get myself in positions where I care a lot more about a person than they do for me. And you really can't always blame the other person for that. It's just something that happens.

I'm just tired of being the one who is left. I want to do the leaving for once. Feel some empowerment.

I am taking a gamble here tho. There's a good possibility that even if he is still interested in talking to me, that he'll take my silence as a sign that I have lost interest and that he will do what I'm currently doing and just let it go. But in that case, I can only hope that we will run into one another on our college campus or at our apartments (I'm coincidentally moving into his same complex in a month) and I can express my continued interest in him.

I know many will say I should just tell him this, and with any of my other friends, I maybe would. But one thing me and him have in common is that we both hate touchy-feely stuff. The quickest way for me to really scare him off is to try and talk about feelings. If he asks me about it tho, I will just be honest with him and explain why I ended contact.

To be completely honest, I don't think I will end contact with him entirely. I'll still message him if I find something that makes me think of him, a meme or something. Hopefully, he will do the same.

I'm trying to remain in that place of trying to remain positive that he may still be interested and will continue contact, while also keeping my hopes at a place where I'm prepared for him to let me go too.

Maybe this is the wrong move. Maybe I'll regret it. But I feel like keeping myself in this position where I have to message first and keep the friendship going isn't healthy for me.

I just hope that I'm doing the right thing. That the outcome will be what needed to happen.

[Hidden]

Hello

Life can seem very complicated at times and when we have anxiety and our insecure we complicate it even more with the overthinking

He told you from the start he sometimes goes a while before talking and it seems he has never implied this was anything more than a friendship ?

And as this is how he is with his friends then it seems he is treating you no different to anyone else he is friends with ?

I would stop the messaging as it seems to be causing you more stress than been happy and friends should make us feel happy

I would just get out there and enjoy life while you are young enough to do so x

[hypercat54]

I think if you and this guy are just friends then that's just the way it is with some people. However it sounds like you want more than friendship and he doesn't. Do you reckon this is the case?

[DemureRose in reply to hypercat54]

I’m really just interested in a friendship right now. I’d rather have that than anything romantic.

[hypercat54 in reply to DemureRose]

Fair enough. In that case just accept him as a friend but not one who wants to be in touch all the time. We all have different types of friends, casual ones, good ones, ones who share our interests and if we are lucky enough one or two who are best friends.

[running_out_of_road]

Hi there,

I think a lot of this sounds like you have a deep-seated fear of rejection and a tendency to take things very personally. It's quite a common problem in us women and also in people who have had childhood trauma- often a good solution might be counselling.

In terms of this guy, I would say that if he isn't making too much effort to be in touch, he can't value your friendship as much as you would like him to or as much as you deserve. Keeping people hanging is a form of control and power. By spending so much time and energy on finding ways to hook him back in, there is a danger that you are not valuing yourself enough in the face of his apparent lack of effort.

You don't need friendships with people who don't make enough effort to make you feel valued. I would say- stop chasing him. Value yourself. You deserve to be happy.

😉 Hope this helps