Divided.

[DemureRose]

Last week was move-in week for a lot of college students, including all of my friends. I was not among those moving in.

Most of my friends decided to live on campus or in an apartment simply because they wanted independence, not the actual necessity to live near the school. We all live within 10 minutes of the university we're attending.

And I keep telling myself that I am the "smart" one because I am saving $10,000 grand a year by living at home. That thinking has worked until last week, when it became official.

I've never had an interest in moving out of my house right away. I have a good relationship with my parents and brother, so I have nothing to escape. Sure, there are times when I wish that I lived by myself or with someone else. But it's usually just when my brother leaves his muddy clothes in our bathroom or my parents are in bad moods. All things that I'm over in a couple of minutes, maybe hours.

Having social anxiety also adds to my lack of desire to experience "dorm life." While I know that dorms are typically nothing like the movies (unless the movie portrays a musky, old smelling building with closet sized rooms and suspiciously, stained carpets), the very idea of being in such close quarters with a stranger is extremely daunting. Forget the fact that it's an adjustment after having one's own room for however many years, but what am I supposed to do on days when my anxiety is intense and I just want to be alone? On days like that, my only sanctuaries are either my bedroom or my bathroom, both of which are shared in a dorm.

I know that I would have been miserable had I chosen to try the dorms out, but that doesn't stop me from feeling jealous towards my friends who are going to genuinely enjoy it. I'm jealous of the new friends they'll make and the new independence they'll gain, but I know that while they are very happy in their new situation, I wouldn't be.

First couple of days would probably be fun, but within the next week I'd more than likely be yearning for my own bed and my own room. I wouldn't like the new pressure to be social and I wouldn't like my dorm-mate being in my space, even though she'd likely not intend to be.

I know that even if I got all the things I want, I wouldn't be filled with the same joy my friends are. Because those things unfortunately aren't me. I don't like parties. I despise random social events or changed plans (like planning to have a nice calm evening and suddenly being asked to come eat pizza). I don't like people around me when I'm trying to study or do homework. I don't like the idea of random people coming in and out of my room. As much as I wish I enjoyed those things and as easy as that interest would make my life, I know that it's not right for me.

And some days I can accept that. Other days the self-hatred is so intense I'm overwhelmed.

One of the most helpless situations to be in is when you want one thing but your personality doesn't allow that. Being an introvert who wants to be an extrovert is a hard place to be in.

When I first got accepted to this college, I figured me and my good friend (at the time *ugh*) could find a cheap but nice little apartment near the school and move in together. Now that I could handle better. My own bedroom, possibly my own bathroom? Score! But my good friend decided that she wanted the full "college experience." And as much as I wish that her expectations for college won't pan out (I know that's horrible. I'm an awful person.), I know that with her personality she will most likely get all that she wants.

I've also had it made clear to me who in my world will always be there. That's family.

In these past few weeks, I've had to acknowledge that none of my friends consider me their #1. I'm not the person they want to sit by, hang out with solely, talk to individually, or come to for advice. And it feels like every friendship I've ever been in, has had this result.

So, even though I want to make new friends desperately, I don't know if I have it in me yet to trust people again. Not after all my failed friendships. Why would I choose a path for the sole purpose of making friends when that could backfire and I end up alone? Whereas by staying home, I can strengthen my relationships with my family? The ones who will always consider me their #1?

Is there anyone else who has social anxiety or just anxiety who made the decision to live at home? Did you regret your decision later on or were you grateful for it?

[Hidden]

Hello

I read your post and have to agree the money you are saving by stopping at home I am not sure why everyone would not do the same !

I totally understand what you are saying , you maybe feeling the odd one out as you do not want the same experience but that is ok

You come across for someone so young very wise , you know what you want and you do not get influenced by others , that is a great asset to have , I wish I had been more like that when I was younger , I went with the crowd even though inside I would be screaming this is not for me !!!

Some people are very extrovert and others are not and that is fine to , accept yourself for who you are , look at all your good qualities , look at all you have like such a lovely family rather than all the negatives

You have years ahead of you and as you get older you will change , you may not always be the extrovert but you will gain confidence in your own time , you don't need to be the same as everyone else just true to yourself which you are doing

You need to be your own no 1 , I know you have your family one day you may have a relationship but in life when these securities leave us and they most possible will for one reason or another we have to know , we can only ever relay on ourselves and be our own no 1

Later on in life all these that you are looking at thinking they are popular , they want the full experience , you sometimes bump into them as your life is on the up and they have fallen flat on their faces !

You seem very sensible to me , be proud for who you are , accept yourself , there is only one you and you are as good as everyone else especially as you don't have to follow the crowd

Take Care x

[Ladybug9]

You don't have to be #1 to your friends, you need to be # 1 to yourself. You do what is right for you and everything will work out. You are going to be just fine! And you are saving a bunch of money!!!

[Kainan]

Hey. Good job. Seems like you trusted your gut and made a smart decision for yourself. And especially nowadays it’s more important to be with your loved ones than ever. Living in the dorms isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. It’s very constricting. Costs a lot. The only positive is convenience. Lucky to come across a roommate you gel with

[Laurennnnnnn]

I went through the same situation as you and I can honestly saw I am SO glad I did.

I lived at home through college to save money and because I wasn’t into the college social scene. I also wanted to finish school early because I knew what I wanted to do.

Even though I lived at home, I made new friends and had the college experiences that I actually did want- without having to deal with the ones I didn’t want.

And in the end, I graduated in four years with a bachelors degree and masters degree, and no loans because I decided to stay at home. It was 1000% worth it