How do i cope with my emptiness and anxiety?

[Lalo098]

I'm 14 male, a highschool freshman, i'm a really quite person, i'm introverted, and i don't really have any real friends, and the only thing i'm really good at is painting, i paint a lot. So i'm going to say what's been on my mind for a while and hopefully it makes sense. So i started dating this girl summer 2018, she's my classmate, and she always looked sad and depressed at school, although fun, so i didn't want to just sit there and watch her be sad, so i decided i'd give her all my love once we start dating and having a relationship, so eventually that happened, by september 2018 we're officially couples, i really love her, she really loves me, but here is where the trouble begins.

So after a few months into the relationship she confirms that she has dealt with depression for two years and that she used to cut herself because of her ex-crush rejection (who is still her friend) and her mom having cancer and going through chemotherapies (she's all good now thankfully).

And her saying that has really hurt me badly since, i always feel bad for her and because of the scars she has now, i cry almost every night because of her painful past because i feel sorry that she had to go through all that. I think that played the biggest part of me being unhappy and my general anxiety growing.

Another reason is my grades, i'm failing classes and i'm even afraid i'm going to fail 9th grade, my mom really pressures me to study and my parents are divorced so my dad isn't there to help me.

And my situation right now is, that wake up everyday, feel anxious at school all the time, come home feeling empty but also feeling my brain rushing with unspecific bad thoughts and overthinking, i also have panic attacks roughly once a month, i get yelled at by my mom for my grades and then i cry myself to sleep again with thoughts of my girlfriend's scars and how empty, unhappy and hurt i am.

Another thing that i should also point is that when i tell myself i'm "hurt" and in "pain" i also always tell myself that i'm just idiot for thinking that i'm really hurt because my pain is nothing compared to my girlfriend's, which makes me even more depressed.

I'm done now, i really hope i get some feedback and i would really really appreciate it because i really don't have anyone in my life to talk about things like this with.

Thanks.

[JAYnLA]

Hi Lalo - I'm glad you're here. One thing I want to suggest is that you share with your mom how it feels when she yells at you about the grades. She needs to know what you're really dealing with. Part of what you're dealing with is a surge in your hormones, no doubt - 14 is an awkward age.

[Kkimm]

Hi Lalo

Really sorry to hear what you have been going through. It is so difficult to be going through all that anxiety at 14. I think it is really important that you talk through how you are feeling with your mum as it will help her to understand. If trying to do this has lead to you both getting cross or upset with each other, try to find a calm moment when you both have time and are not already tired or upset.

You are obviously a very kind sympathetic person and I can understand how bad you feel for your girl friend but in a way it is not helping you or her to dwell too much on her problems. It is perhaps stopping you putting the focus you need on your school work. You say that her mum is now good so that is great news for both of you.

Think about planning a time table of a few hours each day to focus on your school work so you study hard and catch up. That will make you feel better and stop your mum worrying so much about your grades. It is not helping you that she yells at you but it is probably because she is so worried about you.

If things do not improve it may be a good idea to go to your doctor, let your mum come with you if she can and you are cool with that because then she will hear fully what you are going through and be able to understand and help you more. It may be that you could be offered some counselling which I think will really help you.

Hang on in there, you are stronger than you think and can turn this around.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Kim

[momonthego2019]

I forgot I was reading a post of a 14 year old. You seem really mature to me. You have a lot on your plate and a lot on your mind but you have to give yourself permission to live the life of a 14 year old. I'm a mom and I have 3 children ranging from 14 to 21. My youngest is my son. I think 14 is too young to be in a relationship for many reasons. You both seem to have a lot of things going on in your lives that you need to focus on because if you don't, you won't be good for each other in the long run. She should get help for her depression and her cutting and you need to get help and support for your anxiety and for your classes. I'm not saying you can't care about her, however, you aren't responsible for her or her problems just like she isn't responsible for your problems. Are you able to sit your mom down and have a civil conversation with her? My son went from almost failing math earlier this year to now having a 'B' average in the class. I didn't yell at him about his grades, I just got him a tutor, made sure he was not playing video games or talking on the phone when he should have been studying, and made him get extra help from his math teacher during study periods. Is it possible for your counselor to link you up with a student tutor? What about summer school? To avoid repeating 9th grade, you could possibly go to summer school instead. It may mean giving up sleeping in late but at least you can stay on track and go to the 10th grade. I'm sorry your dad is not around. My husband and I are separated and I know my son wishes his dad was around more, but he has a happy disposition and just looks at the world as if the glass is always half full. I'm sure he hurts and I'm sure one day when he is older he will share his pain with me, however he is focused on his sports, his schoolwork and going to college. Maybe you should get yourself a vision board or some type of cork board that you can use to capture your interests, hobbies, goals, etc. You can put that in your room and look at that every day and let that drive your thinking and your focus. Painting is a great skill. Don't stop doing what you love or what you find enjoyment in. We are here for you. Keep us posted.