How can I train myself to conquer the scars the demons of my past have left me with, causing me to hurt those I love and crippling anxiety

[Chaoticnmusicali]

I grew up with a young mother, ended up oldest of 7. She has bad relationship historys and tendencies and I fear that life cultured me to practice similar behaviors. Like being a doormat, never asking or communicating about my needs nor allowing myself desires, self loathing to the point that I create my bad self image to form reality to match, reclusing into my ♋ shell, destroying relationships with insecurities and bad self esteem, putting off negative vibes to others when in reality I'm anxious and insecure, and last but far from least half wanting to cut out my own tongue due to severe foot in mouth syndrome even though I am a front woman to an upNcoming rock m/f duet band where I get to compose about life and it's facets and hopefully help heal many with my lyrics. My counterparts sublime abilities to interpret the deepest emotions and stories into beautiful walls of sound perfectly matching our diverse and dynamic emotional portrayal of our unique and powerful vocal stylings. I was thought to be mute till I was 2yrs old (one of many of my oddities) but I feel like someone sold there soul to get me a voice that I never should have had. Even the nicest most innocent things I try to say or do come out wrong, offensive, or plain incomrehencable babbles, I'm dating(we call each other hub&wife) 5 years now, been acquainted 13 yrs and close friends for the past 9, but I can't talk to him anymore, and we've gone through some rough patches where I ended up seeking comfort in unhealthy bad ways. He still doesn't want me to go,and since our last 3wk separation over a year ago I've accepted fault apologized profusely and 86'd all those back door/improper/disrespectful tendacies, urges, and behaviors outside of one forbidden message to a past mistake that I was told committed suicide over the sotuation. Yet it comes up daily crushing my barely there esteem and the tools I used to use to overcome, I used to be able to say with confidence that I am a good person and that this world is in need of an artist like me, like I had destiny to be a great and a positive influence and maybe even start a good positive movement. I can't find those tools anymore. And I guess I should mention that my kids are now going on 3 yrs away from me (1800mi) at my moms due to my rough recovery from my marriage ending, and his family let my ex stay with them in there house 20mins away from me and my 8yr old daughter witnessed him shooting up and feared him dead many times due to his intoxication and her inability to wake him when he'd nod of mid story. So without them with me I'm lost, I can't find my drive, my patience, or my emotional stability, nor the strength they gave me to overcome my pain. Now my pain consumes me, I can't fall asleep, but when I do I can't wake up, wasted day after wasted day, disaster or emergency after emergency, And a partner pleading with me to change while I'm paralyzed by fear, insecurities, overwhelming projects, can't keep a job cuz my anxiety and depression make me sick when they rear their ugly heads which the do quite often. I'm at a loss, in a hole scared of the light. Is he part of what's made it worse? He is an recovered/ing alcoholic, with snap anger and a Taurus( stubborn, boisterous, blunt and abrasive) and I've been exposed to slot of years of sever abuse... It kinda mixes like water and oil, got forbid the heat of emotions get added to the situation. I'm soon lost.

[Kkimm]

Hi

You have been through such alot in your life and I really feel for you. I am so sorry to hear you are separated from your children which must be heart breaking. They do however need stability so hopefully they are receiving love and stability where they are and you are able to see them and let them know you love them.

I am sorry to hear of all the childhood pain you went through and it will have had an impact on you as a person which will not be easy to overcome.

It sounds as if you do have an important relationship with a current partner who has his own difficulty with alcohol but is attempting to go through recovery which will not be easy. I was unsure if you are saying this is an abusive relationship and if it is you have a difficult choice to make. You do not deserve to be abused and you should be able to be safe and feel loved.

Despite feeling very down on yourself because of the impact of your childhood and some of the difficult things you have been through in life you are a valuable person with alot to offer.

You and your partner sound as if you have important musical talent and can help others through your music and lyrics.

I really hope you start to be able to see this again and begin to lead a fulfilling life.

Anxiety is a very difficult thing to go through and you are bravely fighting on despite it.

It may help to undergo counselling or some other form of therapy and or medication.

I wish you all the best for the future and hope that your life starts to turn around.

Kim