Fragile...

[shadow45]

HI again. Had lunch with a friend the other day She has been through the mill medically speaking. She is Bi Polar and had open heart surgery last year. But through all that Elle is a most positive person. Anyway we were talking and she turned to me and said "Your very fragile Steve". She had put her finger on the main issue I have had all my life. Fragile... easily broken must be treated with kid gloves. Oh how this hits me where I live. It seems that I never grew up....I guess my folks can take some of that on themselves.... But I have to wonder if some of us just miss out on that essential trait. Could it be genes or am I a product of my environment. 59 going on 7. In therapy I felt that I was more together at 7 years of age than I am today. So many responsibilities with a child`s view of the world..Something to think about.. Much love my friends steve

[Hidden]

HI Steve x Oh dear your poor friend, she really has had a rough time. But then again so nice to hear she is so positive x I do admire people like her that have lived their worst nightmares and still smile about life. I can understand it was hard to hear your friend be so open and honest with you x I think we all like to think no one but us will ever know we are so delicate x I think again I am the opposite, I skipped childhood and grew to fast and because of this I have learnt to view the world with a pessimistic view and its all doomed to failure in my head x I so wish I could be childlike but alas I don't know how to be x I just don't know how to laugh beyond control and love without limit at times and it can be so lonely x I think you are a very unique person, you have great depth about your character, and great wisdom in your understanding x Maybe you need to just reach out and accept that people will and can help without the judging x I so wish you to get well x Donver xx

[shadow45]

You know as I read your post I started to see that maybe I am the same as you... At 7 I was a grown up... I had the world all figured out... I saw that others around me were struggling with daily life and I would reach out to them.. But over the years and all the kicks in the butt I started to regress into a world where all was unfair and nothing I did or said to be helpful counted in anyone`s life.... I know this is why I cannot detract from my parents.. All I ever wanted to be was a help to them.... My whole life it seems has been I service to others. I too have a pessimistic outlook... I see what the world has come to and I don't really like it.... Who can we trust. Trust has been a major issues with me over the years.... When parents are unresponsive to a child's needs the child feels neglected which in my case lead to mistrusting what I was being told. Saying one thing and doing the opposite was my reality with the people whom I thought I could trust. steve

[Hidden in reply to shadow45]

It could well be x I have always tried to help other as you have x I think its the way I am x I think to me it was also a way of getting them to like me, as I felt so un liked in what I did. Put this down to a horrid stepfather with a tendency to tell me daily, I was useless and awful and no one liked me x I agree with the unfair as I feel so much what have I don't to deserve this when all I did was to make people happy. I also fully understand the parent thing as I said to my father I was useless and my mother showed little love and so now I tend to cling on trying to do all I can for her hoping she shows me attention x I really do believe that a lot of what we grew up experiencing can bring us down a lot in later life x We automatically believe what we did then in any situation and we are so wrong x I think maybe we are very alike x But we can both also learnt to out this behind us and move on and find a way x Donver x

[shadow45 in reply to Hidden]

My mother was the very same Donver.. I was made to feel useless by the very fact that she called me that daily. Both my brother and I were abused physically by her. She had a very bad temper and would fly of the handle at a moments notice. My dad was verbally abusive and I was scared of him as a young boy. We left Britain in 64. So I was pulled away from the rest of the family unit. I have felt abandoned in life so many times.. Both my marriages failed on account of infidelity by my partners.. My second wife destroyed me with her angry and hateful tirades when we split up....It took over a year before I could function normally . Today I feel like may be slipping into another deep hole... I went down to a wholesale store 35k from where I live...I knew as soon as I walked in there was no way I could handle the crowds. So I just abandoned the cart and fled..This is so far away from who I used to be three months ago.. Very sad today Don ....steve

[Hidden in reply to shadow45]

Oh Steve x I do feel for you, and again some things very similar to me x Its awful to be called hurtful names as a child and the way they do it, means it sticks and you often think back to it without even knowing you have x The subconscious is a funny thing x My mam was harmless in some ways and naive in others as she stood and watched as I suffered at the hands of numerous step fathers. I did not know you had moved to The u.s from here x Its understandable that you felt pulled from the family unit, are you not in touch with any left here ? x Sorry to hear about your marriages, Before my marriage I had one long term relationship where I escaped as I call it due to violence and it can leave you thinking its because you are the way you where always told you where, useless x Sorry to hear you had to abandon your shopping trip, huge crowds can be so of putting, I don't go out any more because my fear of the crowds lead me to withdraw into my home. And here I am now stuck. Its never the panic its the fear of panic in front of people for me x You may feel now like you are low but remember you have been down before and you have got back up x Somewhere hidden deep within us is that strength to get up and fight and I know yours will shine through soon xx Until then we are all here for you to chat to xx Donver x

[WantToChange]

It's strange you say that because sometimes I feel fragile, like a nasty word from someone could break me. Sometimes I'm just breakable. I feel like I haven't grown up either, maybe it's the anxiety in us. Two separate people have now called me "sheltered". Like I have never experienced life and I am sheltered from the bad things. Personally, I don't think that's a bad thing, but that's peoples' opinion of me and I think that's actually quite a negative thing to say to someone. It's not for anyone else to comment on.

But yeah, it's not nice that people can sense we're fragile. It makes us come across as young and not hardened by life. It could be a lack of confidence that makes us seem that way as well.

[shadow45 in reply to WantToChange]

Hi WTC. I think there are people who may not have the survival skills needed to go it alone.. I know now that I am one of those people. I have never been a group type person. In my life I tried to do it by myself... Or always thought I could just move from one situation to the next leave people behind and `d` be ok ....But now its come home to roost.... I am truly alone now and without support from anyone other than health care professionals... I have replaced my family with nurses and doctors. How sad is that.. My brother does try to help in his way.. but he has his own problems.. and I know he is tired of my (episodes) effecting his life.... My daughter is far too precious to me.. So I don't lay any of my troubles at her feet. She has a good life and I can't spoil that... It would hurt to much to involve her and her boyfriend in my daily suffering(s).. steve

[WantToChange in reply to shadow45]

You are very selfless to not trouble your daughter. I'm sure she'd be upset if she knew how much you suffer. You sound like a really good person.

I started to push people away and I really have given it a huge go with my family with the way I can be irrational. But they are strong and we are a strong family. My parents are strong for me and my brother. We wouldn't survive without them.

I mostly feel quite a failure because I'm 23 and still rely on them to take care of me emotionally and see me through troubled times. I hope I will be able to at least move out one day and be independent.

I know where you're coming from, it's hard to keep people close when you have anxiety or depression. It's not sad though because you thought you were doing what was best and that's what you were comfy with. Only you perceive it to be sad. At the end of the day, you have family such as your daughter and brother and you are lucky to have them.You have a daughter who you are no doubt proud of, so you accomplished other things.

Do you mind me asking where your daughter's mum is? You don't have to answer, I was just wondering if you still manage to have a relationship or connection with her x

[shadow45]

Yes and no on her Mother I we are ok but don't keep in touch.......... Its early days for you in your struggle. But you have to come terms.. as I have, that your family may one day be unable to come to your rescue..... Those are the days you need to see. You'll have to become independent one day.... So why not put all your energy toward that goal..... Stick with the job..... find a girl that you can trust... get all the therapy you can.... and do the work!!. Please think about this because I am 59 and still struggling with these issues... I looked after my parents for 5 years before they went into Care.... When they left I went into the crapper.