How to truly forgive?

[HealingInProcess]

Hello, I'm new here. I made an account because I need think I need to go back to support groups. I struggle with clinical, treatment resistant depression and pure OCD to name a few. I'm also still recovering from a minor concussion that I believe makes my symptoms worse. I wanted to know how to truly forgive? I need to learn to TRULY LET THINGS GO AND FORGIVE. I'm in a constant battle, having flashbacks, getting upset, and going on and on about how people have wronged me. How people have went out of their way to humble me, humiliate me, turn people against me, play on people already perceiving me a certain way, and so much more. I think I can confidently say that I've encountered many people who felt inadequate standing next to me. I hate to say it, but it is the truth..and it sucks. I believe in treating people how I wish to be treated. I go out of my way to be a genuine person. I love making people laugh and smile. My past experience with many people (teachers, peers, strangers, and family) have turned me into a shell of myself..literally. I'm always on guard. I personalize everything and fear others will target me because that's all I've experienced for years..so many years..middle school, high school, and as I grew into my looks...college (and work too). There hasn't been many times when I've felt emotionally safe. Now, I met someone who makes my heart sing. Someone I can see myself growing and building with, creating a family with, growing old with..I want to be with him forever. My trauma gets in the way of that. I feel attacked sometimes and minor misunderstandings blow up because I think I have to protect myself from him because I've had to protect myself from so many people. I've been let down so many times that it is so hard to think that someone's being genuine with me, especially when it comes to romance. I feel like I have to get him before he gets me, when he isn't trying to get me. I know that I hurt him really bad with some of the things I say/do when I feel attacked, and I hate it. My past isn't an excuse for my behavior, but it's the reason behind it. I feel so guilty because I need to heal my trauma, but how? How does one truly forgive others and themselves? I beat myself for my actions all the time. It got to the point where I go out of my way to make sure I'm not being perceived the wrong way because I've literally had people make me out to be a terrible person when I'm not. I've been made to feel that way by people who have made it their mission to harm me..I'm tired of hurting him and hurting myself. My therapist said to write an email to these people then delete it, or write a letter then rip it up or burn it, but does that really help? How do I forgive myself for hurting someone I love? I feel so guilty and like I'm in an endless cycle. I love him so much that words can't describe, and I fear hurting and losing him for good. I just want to be better, but forgiveness is so hard and everyone makes it seem so easy. It's not. If it was, I would've done so and gone on with my life. It hurts thinking back to people who you love hurt you, or for people to ignore bullying but target you for defending yourself. It's so damn hard. It feels like a superpower. I'm so sorry for the long message, but I feel so trapped in my head and in my heart.

[Cookie2217]

Hi there. First of all welcome to the group I'm glad you're here you will find a lot of support here. I identify with so much of what you said I actually journaled letters to my parents who wronged me and I have childhood trauma from my mother verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusing me when I was a teenager and my father physically abusing me when I was younger. For some reason my father's letter became longer than my mother's which was surprising but it was because I finally realized that he was the one that was supposed to protect me from her wrath and did nothing to do that accept ignore the problem and go to bed and leave me to deal with the backlash. I worked with my psychotherapist Dr Michael Nover who is a Godsend to me and read him both letters after I finish them . still have them in my journal just in case I need to refresh or rewrite them at some point. At the end of me reading the letters I forgave them because they're both infallible people their human beings and we're not perfect but in forgiving you start to heal yourself from the childhood trauma that I've experienced at the hands of my parents. My mother was an alcoholic and I was her target. What was worse is that I had a sister that's 2 years older than me and she never experienced what I did she was very book smart and studied and my Dad loved her so much and I believe that she was the apple of his eye where I was the disappointment and the black sheep. So my advice to you is get a journal and if you don't know what to write at first you can pick one up that actually has prompts in it where you can write after it tells you what subject you're writing on that helps a lot too. Wishing you the best and peace and well-being. I hope my journaling idea helps you a lot. I know it sounds like a old cliche but this too shall pass and what you're feeling right now seems very overwhelming but there is a glimmer of light at the end of that tunnel we just have to dig ourselves out of that hole of depression.

[The_Butterfly]

Hello fellow support group member!! Welcome. I’m gonna be super direct, because I get excited about this topic.

I don’t think you can forgive people until you’re sure you can’t be hurt by them again. Until the threat is gone, the grudge remains. It’s a tool from your brain to prevent you from getting hurt by that person again. Instead of short circuiting your brain’s tool, use it to your advantage. Write down a list of the names of people and the thing you fear they will do again. “John Smith - I’m afraid he’ll steal my best friend again. Jane Apples - I’m afraid she’ll say she’ll meet me for lunch but never follow through.” Keep it private. It’s for your brain to process. Once you write it down, you don’t have to keep it in mind. Like a grocery list. And as you think about the fears, you can start processing them and checking them off. “John Smith moved to the North Pole and is married with 8 kids. I guess he won’t run off with another one of my best friends. I guess I can let that fear go.” There’s something else- these grudges show you your values. With John Smith, and Jane Apples, we value respect in relationships.

As for your guilt: Forgiveness has five languages. Like love languages. Different people like hearing different things when being asked to forgive you. Some people like hearing, “I was wrong.” Some like hearing, “I’m sorry.” Some like, “It won’t happen again.” Some like, “Will you forgive me?” Some people need all of the above!

that’s what I’ve learned so far… Hope it can be of some help as you handle this pain you’re going through.

[MadBunny]

Hi Welcome to the group. There are lots of lovely people here to give you advice and support.

[blackcat64013]

Thanks for your post.Welcome to your support group.

We acknowledge how tough it can be dealing with things everyday.

We believe people are doing the best they can in the circumstances and hanging in there is hard work.

It's been said that sometimes there are 3 people inside a therapy room. There's the therapist, the client and the voice inside the client's head directing thoughts & feelings.

I am hoping each day can be the best that it can be for you 💜 🐈‍⬛

[Stillstanding53]

Dear Healing,

Welcome to this group of wonderful, understanding and compassionate people.

I can so relate to many things your have experienced, endured and have tried to overcome. If you will, let me offer my perspective and how I have "forgiven" a long list of people.

The memories and hurtful actions go back more than 50 years and I am now 70. Everyone from my biological father who emotionally and sexually abused me, to my only sibling who knew about it and did nothing. And also to my Mom, who also did nothing. Throughout the years there have been many who used me, betrayed me, lied to me....you name it. Partially because I allowed it because it was drummed into my head that I would never amount to anything and was not worthy of love or acceptance. Yes, I made my own decisions and I own that. However, when you have a weak foundation to build on, the structure is never strong, unless you start over from the ground up. And that's what I did. Through many years of therapy, I learned how to love myself and to feel deserving of happiness. It took a very long time. And when I got there, I realized that I had to let go of the anger and bitterness I felt towards so many people. That's when I forgave everyone. But that doesn't mean that I forgot or allowed those people back into my life. It's a long and hard journey, believe me.

I also believe in treating people how I would like to be treated, but no everyone has the same heart as you and I.

I think it's a good idea to write a letter to the people who have hurt you and then either put it away or rip it up. It will absolutely make you feel better. To confront them is pointless and will only hurt you all over again.

You are a good person and worthy of love. That's why you found someone to share your life with. Be grateful for that and work towards becoming a healthy person again so you can share your life with him.

I know you can do it. Just be patient with yourself because it takes time. But you will get there.

Wishing you al the best and reach out whenever you like.

[scansnap]

You have my empathy for your situation. It is a difficult one to deal with. I am reading a book that might be helpful. It is called The Mindful Path to Self Compassion by Christopher Gurman. it is available on Amazon and actually only cost about three dollars US for the digital version. You may find it helpful in dealing with your problems.