I've had anxiety for a long time (with some panic attacks) and I'm finding lately I'm having sort of long term sweeping moods. For example, I was more or less OK in December, then in January I got really depressed for a few weeks or really about a month. Then it seemed to ease off, and while my mood didn't recover to feeling great, I got to a sort of stable not that good but OK plateau. Now, over the last few weeks, I'm back in a terrible depression. I'm able to do pretty much everything that I'm supposed to do (go to work, clean myself, etc) but I don't have any joy in anything. I've had some pretty severe suicidal thoughts as well (ranging from active to passive), which are finally starting to resolve (though I did have a thought of being run over on my bicycle earlier today). I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatry provider.
I have a lot of stressors in my life, and they are absolutely contributing to my mental state, but I can't figure out how to draw the line and cut some of those commitments, as they represent a lot of work I've put into my field. Probably my biggest is I'm almost through with my Masters, and this last class (a practical experience) continues to loom like a dark cloud in front of me. Any time I think about it my heart starts to race. I don't want to withdraw, as there was a lot of prep work for it and I've already paid money I won't get back, not to mention I've done almost two years of grad school to get here, but I also don't feel like I can handle it. My therapist helped me put it in perspective earlier, comparing my life to my success (or not) in grad school, and helped me remember that it's more important to be alive than to finish grad school right now or at all. I just find I'm looking at that choice and it isn't so black and white - can I be successful? is it easiest just to hunker down and feel awful all summer and finish? Will it push me over my tipping point? I don't know !
Anyways - I'm trying out online support groups and may try one in person. I'm not sure what I'm actually getting at in this post other than saying hello I'm here and am curious how to best use this medium. Thanks all
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Sausagedogman
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I appreciate that. I think you (and my therapist) are right. We'll see how it goes. It's so easy to get on this cycle of anticipating the next thing, that you don't get to slow down and enjoy where you are. At least it is for me.
Welcome! Sounds like you've got a lot going on. Is there a way to postpone your last class for medical reasons? I know it's difficult to decide if you just want to get it over with or focus on your well-being. In my opinion, your health is more important. Maybe just a small break from school would be helpful. I wish you the best in your decision!
I'm sorry about your loss. I know these guys can't last forever :(. he's about 8 now. Usually very lazy ( loves being in my lap) but he's game for a good hike too!
It sounds like you are in a difficult situation right now, but I think your therapist is right in that your life and your well-being are more important than graduate school. You may lose money if you drop out but when you are ready, you can go back to school and finish. I don’t know if you are on any medications, but that would be another consideration to discuss with your therapist.
With regard to your dogs, my wife and I had three dachshund over a period of about 20 years. For a good part of that time , all three were with us and they were like our children. Dachshund are very protective of their owners and also very independent and can be stubborn sometimes. They are unique little dogs and we miss them very much. Their names were Bennie, Louie, and Sammy. We thought maybe they should open a delicatessen .
I appreciate your feedback. I ended up dropping the class yesterday (they’re going to refund me too!). The crushing anxiety is better but the depression persists. I’m trying a new depression medication. All the ones I’ve tried I just always have every bad side effect. We’ll get there eventually I guess. Just feel like eeyore in the meantime.
The dachshunds are good dogs. They have so much personality! The stubbornness is real! Thanks for sharing about yours.
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Just looking for understanding I guess 
I guess today wasn’t that bad
Weird, but worth telling, I guess. 
I guess I'm just tired?
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