Love is nothing like in the movies. Relationship are complex and I've learned that. I'm convinced the main source of failure in relationships is the lack of understanding. So many people imagine relationships as "I love you, you love me". But its not even remotely close to that. Attraction and love are separate. Love forms when you understand the person's problem likewise with your's. Than its up to that person to fix what ever problem that hurts the other person. Than it needs reciprocation. It bothers me because im certain that the red flags people talk about in relationships are not red flags, but just us as humans. Instinct and emotional memory, behavior and general responses. I never knew were controlled so severely by bad experience. Trauma and loss controlled me for 22 years. I finally got a regular friends get together. My relationship with my wife also has been at its best in years. She's had a lot of problems, but what I went through made her feel like she couldn't talk to me. But ever since she has opened up more. I have gained a new respect for her in ways I can't describe.
Everyone who reads this. Take care of yourself. But don't forget others in your relationships. They might have things store away they have never told anyone that bothers them. 💖
Written by
MetalEnjoyer
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There's someone for everyone. As cliche as that sounds. Don't be afraid to take risks and take it slow. We were good friends 2 years before we started dating. Than we married 2 years later. We struggled real hard because we sorta had to survive. Especially during COVID. I wish I opened up to her sooner. But the time we had before that helped me significantly. That doesn't include the struggles with my parents kicking me out and she leaving her parents because her dad busted down a door amd obliterated a switch while hammered. I'd say boundaries are important. It sets that ground that you both have control in the relationship together. Best way to describe it I suppose. Independence too other relationships is important too. It's not great to have that one person to be your only support.
Good luck to you. I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for. 💖
I say being in a committed relationship is brutiful (brutal and beautiful. I made up my own word lol)
I say that because yes, it's hard. It's 2 separate people with their own baggage, quirks and things and learning to live together with all this stuff. While growing together as a couple but also keeping both of your identities intact.
While there are trials and tribulations. Communication plays a big part at making things easier.
I agree a lot of "red flags" have gone cliche. To complaining about things. Also focusing on solely red flags. Like what about the green flags.
We can't be 100% all the time. That's unrealistic. We are going to be human and make mistakes. We also have to own our own mistakes. Accountability is also important. Learning to be a good listener and good communicator. Try your best to better yourself. Along with a partner that's willing to do the same.
I have been with mine for 11yrs. And there have been try times but talking and listening to each other has really helped. We both have found deep respect and love and appreciation for each other. Both of us what to improve and be better.
One thing i definitely learned in any relationship. Don't ignore it when people start talking about stuff that stresses them in their life. It's interesting because when for example I try to understand what the person's partner does as behavior. I now understand what that is like. Especially if that person talks about a past relationship in a very negative way. Like dang don't blame them. They probably can't control that behavior or even realize what they're doing it.
Yeah I agree with that. When people take trash about their exes 🚩
Listening to a partner and hearing what stress them out. I try so does my partner. We don't always get it right. Cause again we are human. But we do try. We try to help lessen the burden if we can. Like I do the yard work while he's at work. Since he works 2 jobs. I know he can't tend to the yard and stuff. So I do it. He helps me when I get stressed when sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me. He reminds me that I have had better days and this is only temporary. 😊
For me 3 hours after work is my personal time. The mornings till 3 is time with the 2 ladies. Wife and daughter. Than I work pretty much until 12pm. So far its a great balance. We got lucky with the place we live and some other benefits. Its hard though. Working 9 hours a day isolated is very stressful sometimes. Especially considering its closely similar to my traumatic experience. Funny thing though is I'm so desensitized to it that I am in control of the loneliness. Im aware its not like that anymore and I've been reminding myself of that. Been pushing for my friends for support too. I even sent them an article on how to handle and support people with CPTSD. That helped a lot because it explained what triggers me. Also helped explain that when I'm angry that I'm not necessary just angry. Its because I'm hurting. Especially if its from misunderstanding or rejection. My wife has absolutely been an angel for understanding that.
Yeah I, too, suffer from cPTSD. It's difficult to navigate it. And like you I've shared things with my partner on how to go about things and articles explaining what it is.
We have long deep discussions about what each other's wants and needs are. I don't think people in relationships don't do that often enough. Not just boundaries, triggers but also intimacy as well. Tastes change as we get older. We evolve. I think it's healthy to have a great discussion from time to time. Like a check up.
He has his me time and so do I. It's nice being able to enjoy your things and worry about not being join at the hip. Or being clingy. Like we can be in a room and just be quiet and not really say much. Just enjoy each other's company.
That's good. Me and her both definitely have had our personal problems overtake both our judgement. Like I for example didn't recognize that she needed to talk about her problems. I don't think she's a clingy person even remotely. But she has had her moments when I'm unavailable. But I've seen her make more of an effort to talk to other people other than me. So definitely have I. Her parents at a young age were very controlling. So she occasionally might be overbearing. My issue is overreacting. For me I can blow the tiniest thing out of proportion. So that was our biggest clash probably.
Its funny actually because I never recognized it. But jeez I have some severe abandonment issues. So when ever I feel like I messed up or misunderstood someone for being abandoning. I quite literally go through roller coasters of emotions. Perceived abandoned happens with her especially if I'm having a flashback. She's been doing a good job on helping with understanding and approaching me in the proper ways.
Also changes in taste. Personal preference. That is a massive one. Me and her have definitely changed significantly since we first met. She's more independent than I have ever seen her, which makes me so happy to see. She's definitely grown significantly as a person, probably even more than me and I've done a lot to change. She is a very amazing person. Especially considering that she handles a 2 year old all day.
Sounds like you're describing me and mine. He is the overreactioner in the relationship. And I have abandonment issues like you. But you are right sometimes you can miss things. I admit that I can miss the fact that I don't or should I say at the beginning I didn't see him having any problems. But again that that was on me. Thinking that he's doing okay. And he himself is not a big talker. He's always quiet. And that was because literally our families are polar opposites or I should say him growing up as polar opposite to mine. Our families are pretty much quite the same. Both are messy. It's just that with him. They really didn't have high expectations. Nor is that to say they had low expectation of him. They just figured he'll find his own way in life. And if he didn't know something, he'll ask. What? His parents never understood was that their son had social anxiety. And didn't know if he could ask those kinds of questions. He always had a level of fear that he'll ask something wrong or will get the wrong answer and that will later mess him up. As for me, I had a mother who was very open and brutally honest with me about life. So I am more Street Smart than he is.
And yeah as we both have gotten older we have evolved. He has become more independent and I am proud of him of that. And I'm working to to be back to where I was which was also operating on being more independent before I had a relapse of anxiety. I'm getting there. It's a slow progress. But we do compliment each other very well. I mean we have deep discussions about our relationship and how we both have goals that we would like to meet. And we encourage each other the best way we can. And we try to help each other, not set each other off. And also learn to unlearn things that we learned when we were kids. Like he's gotten better not being overreactive the slightest things. He's trying. He's he's not there yet but he's he's working on it LOL. And I'm trying to work on my abandonment issues. Which at the moment is kind of hard because I have friends who I haven't heard from that. And I found out accidentally really that their phone numbers have changed. And I haven't been able to get in touch with them. My abandonment issues tell me they don't want to be my friend anymore after 18 plus years. But I also know not to go down that far deep in the rabbit hole. That is just anxiety talking. And it just could be. My friends are going through something right now and they can't get at me right now. But eventually they will see the Facebook message or the IG message and I'll hear from them again.
As a custodian from what I read on school walls. It's actually hilarious because I think some adults need to go back to kindergarten. They have habits written on the wall. Stuff like "seek to understand to be understood". That one has literally been like an earthquake in my life right now. When you get ahold of your friend. It might be a great idea if you haven't done it. Seek to understand whats been going on with them.
For me when I got my friends attention in a message. I use an Internet article written by phycologists to help explain my problem. People with abandonment issues always confused me. But after learning I have the problem. Its hard to explain things sometimes because some people truly don't understand. It's so strange to know how much our instincts actually control us. So I bridged that misunderstanding with real research. I used an article on what to understand about people with CPTSD and what not to do. I've learned a big trigger of mine is when people give me life advice about doing something. Like write, read, go to the gym. I already do a lot of that. What bothered me with my friends is they gave me that advice without communicating about what I really was talking about. That was communicating about availability to get together. All they would say. "Im busy". Than when I actually confronted them about not communicating. They went into explain myself mode. That literally made it worse. So thats when I spent 3 days trying to figure out how to explain it too them. I think they actually understand. I get angry easily and that was one issue for them. But it usually has to do when people disregard my words or completely ignore what I was asking for.
I'm the sage to most of my friends and family. So they think nothing is wrong with me. I'm also a comedienne. But that's how I cope in a world that is very confusing at times.
It's hard communicating with my hippie friends because they are always busy. Never text back right away or just plain forget. Can't talk on the phone because they have tutoring or in clAss or with their band.
I once explained my anxiety before but it's been so long and I don't think they remember anymore.
I have been abandoned by family. My dad but he's still in my life. However that stain on the heart never goes away. I have had a friendship ended without it ever being discussed with me. 7yrs of helping and listening to this person only for them to say "plz leave me f* alone.' I have tried to apologize for whatever reason I have made this person so cross with me. This person never reached back. And yet this person still has me on their social media pages for whatever reason. I decided I just do the job for them and I removed myself. Which is why I'm shocked by my other friends. They weren't mad. They just didn't say nothing. I guess they unplugged for awhile or maybe they split up I don't really know.
I totally understand the unsolicited advice and just kind of parroting what they say you should do if you're depressed. Some people just want an ear to listen. So they don't feel like they are just talking into the void. I know people think they mean well. I noticed that a lot of people are truly uncomfortable with sadness. That's why they try hard to "fix it". Sometimes there isn't a way to "fix it". Or it's going to take a lot longer than drinking green tea and going to the gym 😂
Oh ya. My friends are the same way. They honestly live their lives in their head. At least it seems. They never share anything. No one asks me how I'm doing. They're so focused on "things" that they never actually live their lives outside of college. I could not describe my irritation towards college. It literally overtakes peoples lives with business. It's miserable and I don't understand how people find joy out of it. Whats the point of living if we can't share our person with others. Accomplishments, dreams, perception in the universe. It's the reason I've been wearing so much color recently. If you look at tribes for example they're vibrant with color. Now look at society. The average car is beige, silver, or black. There's no color in people. From my own experience. Especially with the severity of isolation. An isolated environment lets me be myself. Everyone has that "weird" thing they do. I've been inclosed and silent for so long I practically seem like a psychopath at home screaming, being loud, releasing that safety energy I suppose. No one to judge me. This is when my wife and daughter are out. It becomes comfortable and it's irritating to be pulled from that. I personally have been so isolated I truly separated myself from relationships into self dependants. My friend said to me not to be "so dependent on others". That was soul crushing because for me it was the exact opposite. Too little dependence. It's so bad its why I fail my only semester of college. I could never bring myself to ask for help because I simply fear facing someone about it. Self isolating was my only way of feeling safe. I actually get so stressed when I can't engage in that. It causes me to just be defaultly mad. Your friend from my own understanding in myself probably was annoyed. It's very possible they regret saying that or just moved on usually out of fear of facing you I suppose. Honestly we might never know. If you feel like maybe the ladder is the possibility. I think I used that expression right. Ask, worse thing they could say is the same thing they already said. If thats the case maybe it's a good idea to move on. I've been on that fence more than once with my own friends. They all have so many problems I very well see from an outside perspective. I also don't think they fully understand what to do to help themselves. I am working on that though. One thing I'm definitely learning is that the Internet, Facebook, Discord. Whatever we use to text. Personally I've always hated it. Could never pin it down. But now I understand it's because it disconnects us from each other. Its pretty easy to ignore someones angry through a text. At a certain point it becomes like the wind. I've been working on that with my friends too. Making a regular habit out of communicating and getting together and making plans. Facing my fears in their potential rejection definitely helped too. Their communication skills are pretty bad 😀. But I'm also not going to by a hypocrite in that. I'm working on that myself too. Honestly focusing on understanding myself and people has helped my depression tremendously. Helps me with a sense of purpose. It's a good step to seek understanding. With my wife. She was that exact way as you. She was so focused on helping me I never reciprocated that. Maybe mention to them how that makes you feel no matter how hard it is. A true friend can get past their problems and see that.
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