feels like my depression has a point

[CroutonBehavior]

It's hard for me to disagree with the points that my depression makes. It says that no one loves me, that checks out. I have no friends and I'm not close to any of my family. When I come to people for comfort or just help, they never do. They "try" but their idea of trying is saying something incredibly insensitive and hurtful. I've tried to rationalize it but it can never be spun into anything other than cruel.

My depression also says that seeking help is too difficult and it will cause more damage than healing. So far, that's also true. I've been seeking professional help since 2022 and have had back-to-back negative experiences. Every medication I've ever been put on has made me sick except for Lamictal which I haven't been able to continue since I was discharged from the hostpital and haven't been able to get a psychiatrist.

It's hard to find the motivation to do anything when my depression has evidence for feeling this way. I don't even come to any kind of negative conclusion about these things. I know I'm worthy of love, I know that someone could love me in the future but I don't think I'll ever make it to a healthy enough place to find them.

[secrets22]

hello CB.....i'm not sure quite what you are needing or looking for, but i am like you in that i am not close to my family at all, in fact I've not seen any of them for years, and frankly it doesn't bother me, but i do have a large network of acquaintance's but very few are real friends, and i guess in truth i'm a bit of a loner, and most of the time i'm happy with that . I have had the help of a phycologist for my depression in the past but honestly it didn't help me at all, and i have come to the conclusion that we must try to manage our depression on our own, of course some people will disagree, but its my take on it.?

[CroutonBehavior in reply to secrets22]

With the severity of my depression, managing it on my own just isn't possible. I also have anxiety that prevents me from learning how to drive and exist in the world on my own. I've been trying to get professional help for over 2 years but that's not working out so I am truly on my own. I've been depressed since early childhood and it went completely untreated. The only reason I say that I don't have a disability is because I haven't applied for it but it's clear that I could never live on my own.

[blackcat64013]

Hi,As a person with depression, I too want to have the massive psychological load of depression lifted off me.

I recently did an interesting exercise with my psychologist to name 10 reasons why this is my goal.

1. To look after myself better

2. Have enough energy to do tasks

3. Get to sleep, stay asleep and wake up feeling 😴 good, even great

4. Have better connections with others

5. Live without brain 🧠 fog

6. Find something interesting to work on

7. Face the wreckage of my depression without anxiety & panic attacks

8. Stop doubting the meaning and purpose of my life and thinking things are going to turn out badly

9. Be brave enough to reflect honestly on what is my depression reality

10. To tell my psychiatrist to give me a personal individualised treatment plan rather than a diagnosis and just meds.

I was a wreck trying to come with the list. The pressure was enormous but with her support I made it. Luckily she emailed the list out of session. Otherwise I would have had another CRAFT (can't remember a f...g thing) moment.

Just putting this out there. Take and use any or none of my goals for yourself 🐈‍⬛

[cashew78]

Hello, I had to chime in because it feels like I've been exactly where you are a few times.Depression is a demon. It moves in and grafts to your soul like a leech and sucks any joy, ease, and vitality from you. It lies and uses half-truths and plausibility to allow you to draw the worst conclusions of people, actions, and situations. That demon loves to sell you bullshit about yourself, your self worth, and your ability to navigate life. It makes a physical change within you that other see peripherally, but don't know how to handle. The worst is when you have callous or unsupported people in your life (for me it's my immediate family) who don't particularly accept or give a damn what you're going through; instead they needle, push, or insinuate the worst of you according to their own needs or agendas, helping the demon along. Insidious doesn't even begin to describe what it is.

People have been fighting these demons for a long time, and some people are better able to illuminate them than others. I can't offer you much, but I can offer these two things and hope they help, even if only a little. Keep fighting the demon; don't listen to it. You can only end up someplace better, or at least different, by doing so. Good luck.

Andrew Solomon is a long time depressive and writer. He gave one of the best TED talks I've ever seen on the subject. youtu.be/-eBUcBfkVCo?featur...(Not working as expected?)

Secondly, a poem by someone who also noticed the demon and it's edges and powers:

“Alone”, Edgar Allan Poe, 1829

From childhood’s hour I have not been

As others were—I have not seen

As others saw—I could not bring

My passions from a common spring—

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow—I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone—

And all I lov’d—I lov’d alone—

Then—in my childhood—in the dawn

Of a most stormy life—was drawn

From ev’ry depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still—

From the torrent, or the fountain—

From the red cliff of the mountain—

From the sun that ’round me roll’d

In its autumn tint of gold—

From the lightning in the sky

As it pass’d me flying by—

From the thunder, and the storm—

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view—

[CroutonBehavior in reply to cashew78]

I can believe that my anxiety is lying and my depression lies sometimes but it has good points. I feel like I already established in my post that I have no evidence that my depression is lying or wrong about certain things. So trying to completely flip stuff on it's head is more hurtful than harmful because it causes me to feel as if you didn't understand anything that I tried to express.

[Riverville]

Hello! I wanted to share a response to your last paragraph, the thought shared that you have to be in a healthy place to find love. I'm always surprised my S/O has been with me for 11 years because I started our relationship when I definitely was worse than I am now. I was not communicative. I put work first. I cried uncontrollable at times. Only this year have I started gaining real improvements by finally seeing a psychiatrist and getting on meds after I ended up in a voluntary psych facility. That place really opened up my eyes!

So I think anybody can find love regardless of how healthy they are. I think I found someone similarly broken and we are working together to get over our hurdles.