I went to sleep at the most reasonable time for me - 11pm because if i go earlier i will for sure wake up around 2am, thinking i was tired and i could make it to the morning. But i had a nightmare and finally woke up at around 3am with acid reflux again. Wondering if it's stress, ptsd, acid reflux caused by anxiety or acid reflux caused by the water here, the place... For what damn reason i can never sleep a full night?! And why i can't, i just can't move out? I open my web browser to come here and see articles about the prices here. Think about going to mom's but i can't go there as she triggers me and yes it's a bit bigger place but it's 3 ppl living there and always fighting. Scared of sis growing up without me and dad. But i just can't go back. Everytime i go back, i have an event to attend here so i have a frame for how long to stay, otherwise i go INSANE thinking how long to stay.Wondering if it's mental or physical. The water here has a lot of carbon. I boil and filter it and it still does me acid reflux. Or maybe it's not the water? Ugh. I can never sleep at night. And my new neighbor (hope stays a bit) has alarm from 5to 6am. I'm sorry if im complaining about the place all the time, I'm just not in the mental state to find myself a new place.
And it might not even be that. Might be just acid reflux. Maybe im reading too much into my anxiety, family and unconscious influence by the place. Ugh i feel like psychology only gets people worse. Overthink the impact of everything. And never a solution. And sis doesn't even give me attention when im back, she's at school or with friends. And mom's starting drinking when she gets back from work. She would assign me to work if i get for longer. And idk if there's sence since im signing up for master's degree in my same university here. Some bug bit me. I need to clear up but my head is like my room or my room is like my head. Both messy. And too little space too clean. And too depressed. Am i being too much? Or is it too much on me? I wish i had someone here to support me. I only have an Ukrainian girl (until my illness or life pushes her too) but i litterary feel like she doesn't understand. All my other friends are busy with boyfriends and friends they like more than me.
What is wrong with me?! Like seriously. Is it my depression, anxiety, ptsd, accommodation, loneliness, quarter life crisis, inflation, acid reflux, allergies, runny nose, overthinking? What the holy hell is wrong with my darn self? Why can't I sleep and why is my stomach upset? Why am i always fatigued? Why do doctors and therapists only make it worse? My nose is running much more after i got it treated and operated as mom's lab rat to see if she can help her nose from running. As if she's not same as me. Fml im same as her. I don't want to become my mom. I freaking need someone to hold me. And feel it. I just feel numb. I hug the Ukrainian for hello but i feel nothing. I need someone to hold me when i wake up at 3am ready to throw up. Is it my stomach or my brain or my surroundings? And none of my therapists help. The analytical one makes it even worse, making me overanalyze and overthink it and think it's my place and trauma and these thoughts yeet me in a hole of self-despair.
I can never be happy.
